TRIGGER - Too much time to think...

TRIGGER - Too much time to think...
S

survive75

Registrant
TRIGGER WARNING

Hey all... taking time off after getting out of the hospital seemed like a good idea, but it has afforded me great amounts of time to think. If I don't get these memories out of my somehow, I'm afraid they'll take over again and there's no way in hell I want to end up back in the psych ward. I see my therapist tomorrow, but I feel compelled to put these memories into words. These are the three flashbacks I had that came out of nowhere and drove me to the suicide attempt - TRIGGER warning. (Please let me know if these was not the best place to post this... still unsure of the rules for triggers, etc.)

Flashback #1
I know it's my stepfather in the memory, but I just see his waist in front of me. I see the 3-D dog poster on the wall behind him, the white lamp with the raised beading on it on the nightstand with the Bambi lampshade, and the wallpaper. I don't want to say the rest of it... too explicit right now. I thought I could do this, but it's helping just to get the vivid shit out of my head - it was like I was there in the room.

Flashback #2
I'm on my knees and elbows in my bed. In the memory, I could feel my butt on fire from the belt... again, it was like I was there in my body and bedroom. I remember crying. He was fighting with my mother outside the bedroom.. I could hear her saying, "Ted, enough... he didn't mean to do it." He is angry, he is yelling at her that I am "ignorant." She pleads some more but he comes back in. Fuck... I am laughing and crying at the same time right now... I cannot make myself write this out!

Flashback #3
This was the one that threw me over the fucking edge... I am walking into their bedroom... he is in bed. I was planning on crawling into bed with my mother, but she is not in the bed. It is just him. I feel so fucked up about this one... this is the only memory I have of the SA that didn't include a violent tone to it... I started to rub him through the sheets. I see the sheets... light blue, the bedposts... it's like I'm fucking there in these flashbacks. Not foggy at all... he wakes up and fuck... he pushes me away and tells me to stop it. "Stop it Sean, what the hell are you doing?" He pushes me out of bed.

Guys, I am hurting SO BAD right now. I don't know what to do with this shit (as evidenced by the suicide thing... I had NO CLUE what to do with how vivid these were!) PLEASE please please... advice is so needed. How have you dealt when things felt so real... you remember everything... your body and surroundings, the images, how it felt to have something down your fucking throat. Sorry... I'm just fucking freaking out.

-Sean

( All I've done is add the trigger warning, I haven't edited anything out . Lloydy. )
 
Sean,

Try to ground yourself in the here and now. Call someone you didn't know back then. Call your T. Look at the newspaper. Anything that helps you stay aware that they are memories; they are the past.

HTH,

Joe
 
Sean,

Joe's right. Ground yourself now. I know your eyes are open, but put your feet down on the floor. SOLIDLY! Feel the floor beneath you. Take in what's around you visually. This is your reality, not the past. The past is very real because it's painful but it's not your reality right now.

Take a deep breath. Say to yourself, "I'm here, I'm safe, they can't hurt me anymore." You ARE safe, okay? Believe that.

Sean, I KNOW what you're talking about, but please believe me, it will pass. It always does. I am here for you and I'm thinking about you. I want you to feel how WE feel about you. That's your reality too.

I hope it helps, man. SOmetimes it seems like nothing can, but it will pass. You're a strong man, I know you are.

Peace, brother, and feel the love we have for you.

Scot
 
Sean
sharing your flashbacks with us will help, we can all take a tiny bit each and spread your hurt amongst us.
Keep writing them down, share the shit out.
A secret that's shared is no longer a secret, it can't hurt you as much as did before.

I hope that you have a therapist Sean, or if not please try to find one.
To deal with this stuff takes skill, we can share your pain and support you, but the real work has to be done properly.

It's not easy, I know that as do so many of us here, but you are doing the right thing.
All of us are there with you.

Keep sharing.

Dave
 
Thanks to everyone... the "here and now" stuff really does help, but I keep slipping into the images and then back out into a state of despair and rage like I've never felt.

I hate that 20 years after the abuse stopped I still have to deal with this shit. And I doubt he even thinks what he did was wrong. These flashbacks... what the hell? Where do I go... I used to always KNOW something more happened than what I had remembered, but now that I have seen in detail... I can fucking TASTE things. Where the hell does memory like that get stored for so long???

Thanks again... really... I don't know where I'd be without knowing others here know where I've been. I hope I can make it through this shit to return the favor.

-Sean
 
sean,
i am sorry that i cannot reply more in depth to your post. i tried to read it but now is not a good time for me on stuff like that. i do want to say that i am with you in spirit thoug i cannot share your pain directly right now. let it all out that you can, that does help. my post from last week was the most explicit one i ever wrote and i still can't go back and read it very well. it did help after i wrote it though. we have to try to stay grounded for no other reason than that we are worthy of sunrise after the night in our own right. others help us with their love and support but the bottom line is that one day we will see and accept that we are worthy ourselves. until that time comes, all we can do is share our pain in a safe place and let others know what is being shared could be triggering. pm me if i can help, or do it anyway just to sound off if need be.
 
Sean,

The brain's capacity for the storage of information of all kinds seems infinite. What is mysterious to me is what determines what comes forward into conciousness and when.

I am fortunate in that extreme (actually physically nauseating) shame and disgust sheild me from conciously going to the reallly scary places.

Grounding in the present moment does help but also teaching myself that I am not responsible for the memories. Though they are in my brain they are really something that someone else created.

Brett
 
I know how hard it can be, to deal of memories and flashbacks, and how real they can be and feel. I wish I have advice to give you. I know that I still strugle greatly with flashbacks, with trying to convince myself they are not real, they are not now or here. Something that sometime work for me, it is to feel myself in now and here, to feel how my body is positioned, whether I am sitting on hard or soft place, how each leg or foot feels against floor or bed, to try to keep myself present in body in where it is now. It does not always work, but it is something that sometime work, and that is more then other things do for me. I wish you luck.

leosha
 
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