trigger-feel awful need to vent

trigger-feel awful need to vent
P

phoster

Registrant
The evil seed.

All my life I have thought I was an evil person. When I had sex with dogs as a teen, I thought how the bible called for my death. I remember thinking how no other human on earth could be that low and evil. When I was in therapy, I finally felt I was okay, but now Im not so sure again. Ive hurt my wife. Some she knows, some she doesnt. I keep telling her she doesnt make me happy, because she doesnt have sex with me enough, and Ive told her she is boring because we have this routine. I tell her once every couple weeks of me doing oral and then having my two-minutes of doggy-style just doesnt fulfill me or make me happy. Great, that makes me feel real good. I am so shallow that my marriage hinges on sex. Im a real great guy arent I?

So after years of asking for more, I have an affair she doesnt know about. I met a lady survivor, and we share our struggles. We have so much in common, including our sexuality, so we meet and have sex. I hurt my wife by cheating. Ive hurt my lover because we want this life together I am not strong enough to get out of my marriage to have. Ive hurt my kids. If I walk away for this other woman, I have this image of my baby crying wheres daddy. Every night while mom works, it is just us. He clings to me, calls for me when he has nightmares. I love my boy more than life, and Im supposed to think of myself and go after the mate I need instead of the one I have? Yeah, that feels real mature.

I guess, I just feel so selfish and evil. All my life all I have wanted was to fit in. I have a Christian wife. She is a good woman. Why and the hell isnt that enough for me?! Why cant I ever be happy with the things I should be happy with? Great, therapy tells me that its okay to be sexual. Yeah, allow it to define me, so that I feel my marriage is all wrong.

The worst part is that if I was with this other woman, I would be happy. As a person, if I was fulfilled sexually, I would be happy. I know this other woman would make me happy, but it feels so shallow to leave over sex. It feels selfish to admit I want to move on because of sex. I finally see what would make me happy, but the price of getting it is so high, I dont know if I can pay it. Instead, Ive hurt everyone concerned. I guess I am the evil seed, just as I have always thought.
 
Hey Phoster, I won't say you have bitten off more than most men can chew, but you have taken a big unmanageable hunk out of life that clearly you are unable to chew. I don't think it is about sex, but feeling you have found your place. It seems to me that you are still searching and looking for "what else" outside of you. You are the man who needs to heal. Not your wife, your extra partner or the potential next "exhileration" that comes your way. You are what you are and now it seems other people, your children will pay for your indulgences. I know from experience kids suffer when grown ups don't grow up and put the welfare of their children's interest foremost. Yes, I recognize desire, but it shouldn't cost people who are innocent. Your sexual energy is strong but your compassionate and protective energy needs to be stronger I think. Maybe divorce is an option for you, who knows? But try to weigh what helps your recovery with what helps your true self. I am glad you are so very brave to talk to us about this struggle and I hope can come to terms with all your consequences. You are my brother, so I talk to you like that. Be sure you know what you want bro. Most important, take care of you.
Ric
 
i've asked myself the same thing, and then i look at my first marriage. my ex and i had sex three to five times a week. she didnt really like sex, but she worked hard at it for my sake. you know, i was really happy with her. i know if i am sexually fulfilled i am basically a happy guy. i really need or ask for little. give me some time to ride my bike, a healthy dose of adventuresome sex, and i am a happy camper. i guess the clincher was looking at life with my ex. the fact i was sexually satisfied with her, says that it is possible.

my wife and i have sex once every couple weeks, and Lord help us if she gets sick, then we might go once a month. when we do have sex, it is sex by the numbers. first we shower, we kiss, feel around on each other, i get up close the door, we undress, i orally stimulate her breasts, do oral sex, she rolls up on all fours, i get my few minutes, we spoon until one of us gets too hot, then we roll over and go to sleep. i mean rereading that,am i so evil for wanting more than that? this is so confusing. i want to be bigger than the sex, but man that just leaves me so empty and so needy, i can't stand it. that's why i had the affair, i just couldnt stand it. God help me, no matter how hard i try once every couple weeks of sex by the numbers just leaves me so needy that i cant stand it, and no matter what i say or do we end up right back in that same place.
 
I'm not a therapist and would never presume to have any answers cause I am beginning my own recovery. It does sound a bit like you have learned the misinformation of sex equals love. Perhaps, and I do not know your story, maybe you can PM me what happened, that you were sexualized so early you internalized that in your search for love and acceptance? Can you be held and embrassed without it becoming sexual? What about you own company, can you be happy taking care of you? I don't want to step on any toes in here, just proposing ideas to shuffle around in your deck of recovery cards. I don't think sex is more important than love and maybe we can look at that idea at some future post or PM? I can feel you are truly torn over this issue and my input as your brother survivor is to own your truth, your story and disect it with a therapist or good friend. You are so brave and honest here, be that for yourself. I trust you and believe in your recovery.
Ric
 
this has kind of come full circle. see you question why sex is overly important in the beginning. you go to therpy, you finally start feeling okay with the things you like. you learn to love yourself. you examine your motivations for things. then when all is said and done, you say to yourself, i'm okay now. it's okay to like what i do, and to be a very sexual person if that is who i am inside. so you go and tell your mate the great news. hey, the key to happiness is accepting the real me and being true to him. so you define the real you, and tell your mate this is who i am, and he likes sex a lot. it is important to him, would you work with him to make our life together better. then she refuses, and tells you everything wrong with you, and basically tells you to get over it. so you step back, faced with the knowledge you need to be the real you. okay fine. she doesnt want to be what the real me wants. okay, i should leave, but if i leave it hurts my kids and i lose everything. this gets very agrivating as it runs in circles.
 
Your are right Phoster, it is aggravating. Sometimes it feels like damned if you do and damned if you don't. Sometimes you have to weigh the options and accept some losses. We could talk about this as often as you need but that doesn't resolve your pain. I hear real hurt in your frustration regarding your needs versus those of your kids. Man that's a big firey hoop to jump through. I stand by you and support what makes your recovery work for you. We can talk as often as you wish.
Ric
 
well. thanks all. my time to go has come, and i wont be back on until monday. my wife and i are in for a long weekend. i've decided it is time to get off the fence, and the place to start is by talking with her. i have to get a feel for whether we even have a chance. i have to decide what is right for me as a person, and i have to stand by what is right for Jeff. i've always done what i was told, or what others wanted me to do. it is time i grow up and be my own person, and part of growing up is paying whatever price comes up for the mistakes we made. it may come to me walking away, and paying the price of losing all i have. if that is what must be, i must stand up and do what needs done.
 
Phoster, the early sexual feelings I can identify with here, but to be fair, did we not all feel like were evil somehow?

I dont wanna go into what I did, for my own reasons, but nothing illegal.

I never got married for the same reasons you feel today, I knew I would just get bored and screw up the relationship, and Ive had a whole load of practice on that subject.

I have kicked myself so many times my ass is sore,and in many cases, I never knew just why the relationships went sour, but I can only put it down to the secrecy and past mental stuff that did it every time.

I always think right now, that it is better to have a little than to end up with nothing at all.

just a thought,

ste
 
Hi Phoster, I hope the talk goes well. Keep us up to date. No we don't think of you as evil, Confused as a youth, yes. Maybe confused now, but it sounds like you are starting to work on it. If you and you wife decide to stay together, I think you two should have couple counseling, and maybe your wife could have some counseling on her own. I know I should not give advice, my own life is more than screwed up. But there you go, just my 2 cents worth.
 
thanks all. it was a long weekend of soul searching. i guess when it all washes out there is no perfect solution for me. what i have decided is that being part of my baby's life each day is important to me. there are things worth putting your life on the line for, and i guess even if i am never totally happy, i am happy enough to endure, or i'm not hurting enough to leave, so it is time to sit down and shut-up, as it were.
 
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