trigger: cult type memories

[theo]

i am convinced i was never assaulted in a satanic type setting, but growing up i was in a setting that was fanatical. lately, i have been having some recall about something really evil. in my latest t session she was suggesting a technique used in pastoral counseling centers. she started to explain it and got about as far as "kind of like praying for..." and i stopped her. up to that point i was getting increasingly anxious and when she reached that point i knew i would flip if it continued. it took me about 15 minutes to regain control. there was another memory, this one from my college time fifteen years ago. i was toxic with alcohol (fifth of jack in 30 minutes) but was okay till this guy i was talking with said something about demons. i then went totally beserk, literally. i don't recall anything of that time because of the alcohol poisoning, but i did end up in the hospital getting stitches. the point is that even with the alcohol poisoning i was fine until he said what he did. i was writing about something in my journal when i recalled that drinking incident and the effect on my overall memories of the abuse took a sickening lurch. this past tuesday evening i was still reeling from the stupidity of the latest "professional help" i was "getting" when something happened to me that scared the crap out of me. i almost totally dissociated into something that was far darker and more evil than anything i have so far remembered.

there are so many things that i am remembering and i am terrified of them all. i was speaking with my t about the frustration of not being able to face any of it in therapy. how do you face the fact of this kind of abuse? i am terrified of starting to deal with it then losing my mind. that is my real fear. i have had dissociative episodes in the past year, with the last few months being the most in frequency. i am terrified i will start to talk about something then completely lose what little of my tenuous identity i have left. i have already lost so much in the last year. i don't know what to do anymore. it is getting worse and worse.

 

[ScottyTodd]

Hey Theo - I can just imagine those kinds of fears! My wife was raised in a fanatical religious family and talks about the fear she still may experience when the end times/eschaton/"fire and brimstone" is discussed. As a child, she was scared senseless in that environment - she has a very sensative streak. Maybe there are some attachments from that fantaical period that is wrapped around your abuse issues? If so, your T may think she needs support from that particular field of study and understanding in your therapy?

I've learned a longtime ago that no one can take anyone where they are no ready and willing to go. Take things slowly and listen to what your body is telling you. Recovery takes steps - both big ones and baby ones - eventually in safe time we arrive where we need to be.

Howard

 

[Lloydy]

Theo
talk to the T, they aren't mind readers so we have to tell them straight away when something triggers us. Then a good T will will work with you, and not against you. It's got to be a two way thing.

Hopefully the T will listen to YOU and YOUR feelings, it's your time and your problem.

Take care
Dave

 

[Leosha]

I am sorry Theo. I have no words for you, I just wished you know that you have been heard and understood. I hope that you are well, or better now anyway. Please try to keep yourself safe and well.

leosha