Triggar warning Movie night

[Brian Cardoza]

Each and every day is an amazement to me. I am watching a movie a simple and innocent movie that millions of people enjoy every day. As this movie unfolds and plot is arranged into a neat little pile of decent to good memories. I find out that I am plowing through an entire bag of Lays potato chips (cheddar). I reach the end of the bag and find oily pants and tiny chips. I search through the gambit of emotions and realize I am being triggered. I am feeling emotions that are stemming from somewhere. It has been years since I felt triggered about a movie I have not seen. I mean I get triggered when I watch a movie that I have seen a bunch and know my moments. But rarely have I been triggered by a movie I have not seen by a random character or story line.
The movie is Inside Out. It is a movie about a little girl who moves to San Francisco from Minnesota, but before she moves we discover that the main characters are her emotions her memories. In the movie they are covering the emotions. Joy, Sadness. Fear, Disgust, and Anger. While they cover them they speak about these certain memories caller Core, they comprise of great memories like her first hockey goal. Or being chased around be her family being called goof ball. All these amazing memories that are so fun. Then I realize my core memories are Abuse, Neglect, and almost dying. This movie is pushing me this movie is part of a system that tells me I have ages to go before I am complete. I have to stay diligent and always document these days. I do not know who might one day read my letters and realize what they can accomplish whether that is because they are further along or just behind. I have to remember that there are people every day that only wish to be where I am at now. I am writing these letters to document my progress and set back triggers and all.

 

[KMCINVA]

Brian

I have moments like yours, when I realize the abuse defined and still defines me today. I have part of me still stuck in childhood, the time of the abuse. He is becoming more a part of me but not totally part of me as I had thought for so long. Movies have a way of getting into my soul, my thoughts, and not always anticipated.

I think this is all part of our healing. It takes time--much longer than I ever expected. I thought by now I would be like most people--memories in the distant past. But no, the memories and sometimes new details come to me when least expected. Certain situations and people can really trigger the past. I have been told due to the nature and repetitiveness of the triggers they created I am conditioned to respond as I have in the past,except I have better control to remain in the present. My ability to escape through dissociation protected me from the pain being inflicted and the past resurrected. Now staying in the present has put me in a tail spin for so long. Recently the TV was on, and there was a show and it dealt with abuse, before I could turn the channel I heard something that was said by the character and I sank low and cried, he was with me, in the room, I could feel. Strange even though I know he could not be here, it felt as though he was.

Sad it takes a lifetime to heal from abuse that last for a far shorter period.

Kevin

 

[abused9]

I also get triggered by watching movies. Does not matter what type of movie, it seems there is always a trigger or a few of them. Some even cause panic attacks.
It's terrible to be this way every day, all the time.