Trauma and Ultimately Death

[KMCINVA]

Thank you. My head feels like it is going to explode if I can keep it up. Did not sleep last night. Parts of the trauma kept appearing in my head with me falling to the ground but waking as I was about to hit and then I tried but saw myself hanging in a basement, not the church but one I knew well in recent years. I saw faces and heard laughter as I was trying to escape from a room where the door was tied shut from the outside. I saw the abuser behind me as I was trying to get the door open. He was laughing as were the others on the other side of the door. I know these events were real because I lived them except falling from a building and I am not sure why this keeps appearing.

I have been told I am facing and processing the near end stages of a traumatic event that has expanded over decades. The event itself is processed but what was done to cause me to relive the event over and over has not been processed. It is unsettling to me and scary. I am exhausted and my mind goes back to one whose life was recently lost, could I have done more? I relive our last conversations looking for signs, I have not found any or am I in denial of what I missed.

PTSD has been part of my life for so long, sometimes I know I am experiencing it and many times it takes over without me knowing.

If I could sleep 8 hours I think I could make more sense of this. I was reminded that a few years ago when I was not able to sleep I was living the extension of the trauma by the words and actions of others and today as some think I cannot sleep as I process the terribleness of what was done to me to relive the abuse.

Thank you and your words were helpful.

Kevin

 

[Ceremony]

Hello Kevin, and any of us. In these years here, we read and know. I think that makes sense right there. We know. In that one statement is a realization that when I read these pages, I'm with men who are the connections I have needed my entire life. To me, and bless me for having become this way, I can envision us in rooms together, sharing our lives, pains and progress over coffee, water, or drink of choice. That's who I see here, and what has drawn me these years. I see me, and I see you, and it's description is: We know.

That's a validation statement I have needed my whole life and a bond I can't find anywhere else, except my therapist.

This weeks subject for me is that trigger and a word I've not explored, which keeps me walled up, and that's shame. Each of us have our own description of what that looks like, we've all lived through what describes that. Mine isn't unique, I read some things here and know my feelings are known. I've ignored shame, until yesterday, and journaled about a page.

I really want to help you sleep, and feel safe during. I know the attachment part of you is reeling, and the thoughts are keen. I don't want to put your reasons too descriptive here, I lean toward sleep deprivation is acute at this point. Those dreams you've shared are understandably disturbing your peace and thought process. Lack of sleep at this point inhibits the clarity you've posted most of this year. And the season, with lack of sun, loss of vitamin D, memories and those dear to you not near you... it's time to visit your primary physician and explain. Will that be possible? Is it what you think too? It helped me... and I am not the only one with ideas, but I'm sure many want to express ideas? To help.

You're seen, validated and well known. Please keep writing when you want to... I'm a bit clumsy, but expressing these things seem very important.

With heart felt hope,
Rick

 

[Bluedogone]

Hi Kevin,

I'm sorry to read you're faced with continuing sleep deprivation along with the trauma of almost too real life threatening dreams. Loss of sleep can have such a negative impact on one who is otherwise stable, and dealing with it on an on-going basis can literally devastate.

I would think the recent loss of one so close would have much more impact than you may believe. Especially one with whom you so closely identify. There may be two factors you haven't yet fully processed. Survivor guilt, and the consequences, from a Catholic view point, of taking one's own life.

When faced with the question "Could I have done more?" Possibly.
But no matter what we may or may not have done, (as hard as it is to accept), everyone still is a free agent. He made the final call, regardless of what you may have wished for him.

I hope restful sleep for a couple of nights, and longer, will help get things more on track so all the progress you've made isn't for nought.

Blue

 

[KMCINVA]

Blue and Ceremony

Thank you for the word. The lack of sleep is getting to me, a splitting headache all day, eyes are burning.

I have seen a doctor and I have tried some sleep prescriptions, nothing seems to work, I have a reaction or it sends me into jitters. I have the same problem with cold medications, Nyquil etc. I become more agitated. I know seroquil works it is an anxiety medication that I was prescribed for the PTSD but even in a small dose I was not able to function, total exhaustion even after sleeping 24 hours.

When I was being treated for neurocardiogenic syncope with low blood pressure, the doctor exhausted all known medications and tried a combination of toprol and florinef (a synthetic to increase blood volume). Toprol is used to treat high blood pressure but for me it helped to stabilize my pressure. The doctor laughed when I asked why is this working. He said many times we do not know why. That was reassuring. I had an episode of syncope recently which scared me because I had to be taken off the medication because it was causing palpitation and a racing heart. So far since then I have not had an episode. The episodes exhaust me because all the blood drops to the feet and when I go flat it begins to recirculate and causes the system to go into overdrive which wipes me out.

I lived this before when the unraveling began, it was a year of little to no sleep each night. Nightmares, flashbacks, all so debilitating. I am hoping it will be a shorter duration this time. Not sure. Never had a headache like the one today--

Sleep is the answer. I asked myself a stupid question, if I was in one of my dissociative fugues would I sleep? I could not answer because in the past I must have slept but do not know how much or where. Scary stuff. I am somewhat scared today because of how I feel and being so down and sad. I continually reach out to people. Some know my past others do not. When people say you look like hell you know you are not hiding that there is something wrong.

Kevin

 

[Esterio]

hi Kevin

I lived on about 4 to 5 hours sleep a night for decades. When my PTSD symptoms came to the surface in the 90's I started to have night terrors with no memory of what was happening. I would wake up in full on panic cold and all my bedding on the floor. Scared the shit out of my wife and our dogs.

They tried many different medications. nothing helped most the side effects were as bad as the night terrors. I started to not sleep until completely exhausted. I would get two or 3 hours a couple of times per week.

The way I got the best sleep was to stay up until I was falling a sleep at the table and go to bed. That was usually around 2 am and I would be awake at 4:30 to 5 am. did a lot of things to get sleep and I started to sleep longer. I started to take an anxiety medication Clonazepam .5 mg. that help my GI problems in the morning so I started to sleep longer.

The thing was the night terrors got worse. So a couple of months ago my Psychiatrist knowing I am deathly afraid of most Psychiatric medication started to talk to me about a medication that was showing a lot of effect on night terrors. It is a blood pressure medication meant to lower your blood pressure.

I am not good with the names of the part of the brain it goes to. I am still having some bad wake up but they are less intense and I have not been striping my bed and throwing it to the floor as much. I started at 1mg and am now at 5mg the name of the medication is Prazosin.

I have a hard time at night I don't remember much just wake up cold sitting in bed. I wear a Fit Bit to track my sleep and it works good when I go to either my Doctor or Psychiatrist I don't have to think to get the answers I just unlock my phone and pass it to them they can see how I slept how much activity I have had and they can see my resting heart rate all good info for them and they say it real does help them to know what is going on with me.

I hope that info is of some use to you Kevin

Take care
Esterio

 

[KMCINVA]

Hello,

I will heading off the grid until either Wed or Thurs. My friend who passed was to attend a retreat with 2 of his Army friends. His wife asked if I would go seeing everything had been arranged. I know the two friends and next to them I am like Radar from Mash. Nice guys. It has been described as silence and the mind. The days are in silence, meditation sessions, mindfulness sessions, reading, praying at ones choice, reflecting, exercise/walking but silence surrounds. Talk is allowed during meals. No electronics, no technology, no phones. I have turned my phone off and I have let work related people know I would not be available until late Thursday. I plan to complete the retreat.

I am mixed as I get ready to head out now. Will be staying at one their homes tonight and tomorrow we leave. They have been to the retreat in the past and I know my friend had been to one. They say one becomes recharged and the relaxation releases many emotions. They said it sounds light but silence, meditation and reflecting on life--present and past--can be exhausting. They guarantee I will sleep well, may not the first day but by the end of the second. I think I am most excited about sleep at this point.

I am will to try different healing options and hopefully the disconnect from the world will recharge and energize me. I hope the mind will get clarity and resolve the trauma related memories post the CSA to allow me to accept where fault lies and not to judge them for they can only judge themselves.

Guys you have been a godsend these past weeks, who kept me going, you supported me, you reassured me and most importantly you were there for me.

Well time to close down the computer. I wonder how the withdrawal from technology will impact me. We are so reliant on it. It will be nice not to hear news because it is hard to figure out what truly is happening in the world.

I will report back once I complete this journey, this retreat.

Kevin

 

[Esterio]

Hi Kevin

I hope it is a good retreat for you. Take care talk to you when you get back.

Esterio

 

[Ceremony]

I 2nd what Esterio wrote. We'll be looking for your return.

 

[KMCINVA]

Hello

I returned. It was a wonderful experience. The first two days were a struggle. I thought there was to be talk during meals, I was wrong only silence 24 hours per day, no reading and I had brought books and no writing. The first two days I looked at several people who were able to immerse themselves into this new world. I could see serenity on their faces, a peace in their hearts. I struggled, I could meditate for 20 to 30 minutes and then would have to walk, while some could sit in the position for 2 to 3 hours at a time. Slowly, I began to listen to my breathing as I practiced several of the mudra's--hand placement which directs energy within and out of the body. Somehow I became fascinated--the meditation mentors could speak as they tried to guide us through with positive thoughts and encouraging us to look inward at our souls, our hearts, and energy.

I practice mindfulness which allows thoughts to wander and I know with PTSD it is important not to focus on the thoughts but to let them travel through and over time the thoughts are just thoughts and not one to control our lives. Because if we allow the thoughts during mindfulness to control they can trigger symptoms of PTSD.

I would take mindfulness walks, focusing on my breath, my motion of moving, sounds I heard when a twig would break, I would feel the air against my face. In every day life I never focus on myself, my feelings, my breath or pay much attention to surroundings. I did on these walks. I would return to meditate or just sit and focus on the positives in life, the happy times, the joys and slowly realized we all have some happy times in life. I allowed the negative aspects to dominate my life, my being, my soul, my heart.

By the fourth day I was immersed in this new world. I was finding myself. On the sixth day we had to leave. I was a bit sad because I was truly getting to know myself in a way I had never known.

We have so much noise in our lives. The noise triggers stress hormones which can cloud our thoughts. I felt free. When we left I realized the noise is everywhere, traffic, construction, people yelling. I also realized I was listening to what was around me, feeling happy for those with smiles and laughter and sadness for those downtrodden and others who were trying to make a statement about their greatness at the expense of others.

I missed most of the George H W Bush remembrances and heard one of his best remarks was do not brag about yourself but rather lets others do it for you. As I was reading last night one remark made by a speaker at his funeral hit me "Hatred corrodes the container it’s carried in." I realized those words pertained to me, I hated myself and I was the container. I also realized I do not hate anyone let alone myself. I let the actions of the abuser and others to allow feelings of despise for myself to control me. I felt those emotions slowly leave as I sat in silence for the days. I also realized hate of anyone including myself will only corrode my inner being. The days of sitting on the mat and feeling negative energy leave or may be dissipate made me realize I should not react negatively to others comments, words, actions or tone because a negative reaction will only corrode my soul. I learned how I live is about how I feel about myself and to respect and honor others, and more importantly their hatred, their actions will only corrode their inner being and should not be allowed to corrode my inner being. Reacting to their hatred gives them control because it inflicts hatred within myself. I believe we can see it within others but now I can see it within me.

I would go again and for a few days longer. I came away refreshed and I was tested yesterday. I had a medical procedure performed. Fluid was taken and a few snippets of tissue for further testing. I had a reaction to the anesthesia, blood pressure dropped during recovery. It was a 20 minute procedure which was longer than expected. Fortunately the reaction occurred while I was there. An IV was administered, pressure stabilized and I feel asleep there for about 3 hours. It was not a surprise due to the neurocardiogenic syncope, a condition I have that has been under control. I left feeling good and maybe because of the 6 days of silence the outcome of the day was what was meant to happen and what the results hold will be what they will be. I will face what I need to face with the new tools to calm, reflect and keep positive energy flowing, life will be the best it is suppose to be.

I thought about those who started the 6 days, approximately 30 people and only 3 withdrew during our time there. I saw myself in others who struggled the first days and found something, the most important thing one can find in life, themselves. The key is to take the time each day to find a quiet space, away from the noise of life, meditate, reflect contemplate on the positive which can help to release the negative from our lives. I know I tend to dwell on the negatives in life, the abuse and post abuse actions, but in the scheme of 62 years they should not be what controls me. I need to keep looking into myself.

 

[Ceremony]

Dearly moving to be here reading so much hope.
(((Kevin)))

 

[Esterio]

Hi Kevin

Thanks for sharing. There is a lot that can come from the days of silence and meditation. it sounds as though you embrace it and let some good travel through you. I am glad it went so well for you.

Take care
Esterio

 

[seachange]

Thanks Kevin, I second Ceremony, really moving and hopeful to read. I'll be reading this over again. You've given so much in this thread. I was looking forward to hearing how the retreat went, and I feel happy for you that you got a lot out of it. Up to now I've been afraid of being silent & facing myself for that long, afraid of failing, of falling apart. I feel suddenly hopeful about the possibility of taking on a silent retreat challenge myself. THANK YOU. seachange

 

[focusedbody]

Beautiful.

Thank you.

FB

 

[WG]

Kevin - glad to know you were able to get away and have that time of reflection. In this busy,hurry-up world we seem to take precious little time to get ourselves grounded. I, too, take the time each morning to do so. I am retired yet get up around 4AM daily. Since when you're retired every day is like Saturday, I won't say I even get up that early on weekends.....I make coffee and sit out on my porch in the dark. I am a Christian so my focus is on what I believe. Some might say that in retirement you need quiet times? Yes, I do. The daytime is taken up with the various things at hand to get done - my wife is partially disabled so am needed to assist with her dressing and getting ready for the day. Her health challenges require my reminding her to take meds, be careful, etc. She cannot drive so we go to appointments, the pharmacy, and on and on. I cook, shop, clean and handle the finances. I've had a full day by the time I've washed the supper dishes and sat down to watch some TV with her. So, like you, I find the reflective time so very important.
On a different note - I am gladdened to know this was a positive and settling experience for you and in memory of the man who was a friend to you. I imagine you greatly miss the sound of his voice and his presence in your life. Be well.