Trauma and PTSD Flashbacks to my Childhood: 9/11 Up Close

Status
Not open for further replies.
Trauma and PTSD Flashbacks to my Childhood: 9/11 Up Close

iceman67

Registrant
**** TRIGGERS ****


In addition to my sexual abuse, I was physically and mentally abused by a bipolar mother. This may be off topic but I thought I'd share my traumatic day on 9/11 and how it ties back into my past.

9/11 was like any other day in NYC. The only streets were fairly empty in the early hours. I was on the 12th floor having breakfast when it appeared like it was snowing outside. I thought nothing of it and finished breakfast. I went back to my office on the 48th floor and noticed WTC had smoke and fire coming out of it. I got up and walked around to see if anyone knew what was going on. A colleague told me a prop plane struck the tower but no one was in the building at the time and fire rescue was on their way. As a NYer, nothing surprises me and I thought nothing of it.

I cant remember the time but I had a meeting with a VP on the same floor. I got there but he appeared to be running late. Seems everyone in my office was running late. I think the subway to WTC was shutdown so people were stuck in JC or Penn with no way to get to work. A friend of mine was on his way in and somehow caught the last PATH train I to WTC... more about him later.

So there I am standing next to the empty secretary desk standing in front of the floor to ceiling window. It was quite some time after the first plane struck but looking closely I could see people hangout out of the building, waving their hands for screaming for help. I had suppose several people survived the impact. I also noticed debris still spewing out of the side of the building. Everything on those floors were being sucked out the window cuz the winds are strong up that high.

I waited for the VP for a while but no text or page from him, which was very odd. I continued to watch the burning mess and saw lots if people suddenly on the roof of the building. It was a full house of people, like more than a 100. Clearly I could see them screaming, yelling and waving their hands in the air for help... it was heart wrenching.

It was that moment when I watched an airplane flying south very low over the city. I honestly thought this was help for those people but thought how would they get them off the top of the building since the plane seemed to be moving so quickly.

I watch the plane pass, make a u turn and started heading north. Naive me thought, this must be the rescue people. Needless to say, it was not. I watched as it crashed into the building, right where one of my old employees worked. My hope was she didnt get to work her since mass transit was stopped for quite a while but she perished.

The plane just melted into the building and suddenly it started to sway and debris and people spewed out as the building leaned in the opposite direction. It was quite a site to witness being so close. The window I stood near moved a lot and I thought it was going to break but I stayed to watch.

Debris and what looked like people spewed out of the damaged part of the building. The fire was insane like nothing I have never seen. My heart went out to these poor souls, they never knew what was coming.

I waited at least 30mins more before finding a few colleagues. We talked for a moment and an announcement came over the PA informing us that no one is to leave the building. That was our cue to get out. Our building has always been #2 on the terrorist list because of what we do.

We went to the lobby and it was pandamonia. Everyone was screaming and pushing the crowd of people into the street. Truly, it looked like the end of the world. No one appeared calm, except for me. In my mind, I was hoping it would be my last day on earth considering my past. I kept the few guys with me calm. I remember saying, if this it, is it what a nice way for us to go all at once. Macabre, I supposed, but that's the best thing I could think of.

As each moment passed the situation got worse, so we decided to slip out a door that the crowd did not know about and we were in the street.

I remember looking south over the water and people were jumping in the water while others were climbing up street lamp poles. Pandamonia was an understatement, it was like armageddon.

I convinced the guys that we needed to head north and out if this mess. As we walked, I remember seeing people's personal stuff all over the place. Wallets, pocketbooks, business cards and family pictures, all charred a bit.

We walked a few blocks and the air smelled of diesel. I saw several ppl who were were walking in the same direction. Some had clothes torn up and others bloody. A few people who were in the towers were telling me the horrors they saw. All I could think was, too bad that wasn't our building and my personal nightmare would be over... sad but true.

They were saying people were stepping on others in the stairway, crushing people's neck and heads. People were dying on the stairs by the dozens. One person was on fire and jumped into the stairway and set fire to those she landed on. Others were barely dressed since the force of the strike literally ripped their clothes off. A lot of people died in that stairway but other kept walking over them since there was no other choice and panic had really set in.

We walked a few more blocks and we heard explosions and the ground shook like an earthquake. The noise was deafening. It was maybe a minute longer when the sky filled up with smoke. Again, I thought this was the end. I had to comfort my best friend since he started to have a panic attack. I remained calm and the others guys did not say a word.

A few moments later a large white dust storm was approaching us and we heard a fleet of F16s flying over our heads. My best friend quickly got his handkerchief and ripped it into four pieces and said, cover your nose, mouth and close your eyes. He knew before us what may be in this cloud. The cloud hit is hard enough to almost knock us down. All I could feel was glass fragments cutting my face, arms and hands. I held my breath for a few seconds but couldn't do anymore so i breathed with handkerchief over my face. I felt sharp pieces of whatever tearing up my lungs and it became tough to breathe. The cloud disappeared within two or three minutes, which felt like an eternity. I figured this is how we die, we suffocate... hmmmm.

After the cloud was gone, we removed our handkerchiefs and proceeded to walk north to the bridge. There was a sigh of relief when we were further away but the bridge looked miles away. One guy said, let's walk over the Brooklyn bridge but I said, wouldn't that be a great target, all open with a thousand people on it. I convinced the guys together walk further north to the Manhattan bridge, which was somewhat empty.

Once we got to the bridge we looked back and both towers were gone. All we saw was smoke. We walked towards Atlantic Ave and caught a bus. I don't even remember how many hours it took to get home. When I arrived my wife said I was covered in white powder and my shoes were a mess.

Unfortunately, we had to go back to work the next day. It was not an option. We worked out of an office building nearby but in week we were back in our building.

Over the next month. As soon as I got closer to our building all I could smell was burning rubber and something electric. It was a smell I could not identify but it was really nasty and made me nauseous and light headed. Our building AC would suck in some of that smell so the office did not smell nice.

Over the next month, all of it became like a bad dream and we continued our with our lives. Many people just quit their job immediately. The guy who I spoke of above also quit and moved out of state. He was closer to the impact and in the street. After the impact he said it rained diesel all over him. With the fires all around him, he feared he would burn up alive. Luckily, he didn't.

So, that's my 9/11 story. Kinda crazy, no? Very few know this story and I kept silent about it for well over a decade since I cant really talk about it. Talking just makes the sexual abuse to the front of my head and the flashbacks occur. Only a few know and it feels good to get this out on paper.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top