transformation of life through simple questions
I just looked at this old journal entry and thought it might be useful here. Ive been following this practice on and off (mostly on) for almost a year, and its been life transforming for me. I left the entry as I found it, as it was a revelation and I thought the openness of the voice was appropriate.
Danny
A meditation on the question would I do this particular thing if I hadnt been molested?
I want to open myself to myself through daily meditation practice, and the mantra I want to sing is to ask myself throughout the day, would I be doing this if I hadnt been molested, and to ask the question heart to heart. And then I want to let the answer make my decision for me.
Often Id be getting a beer out the fridge, and my unmolested self would say "No" to that gesture, and I want to allow that self free reign to own my body for at least a year. And I want my reactions to the questions to be honest in every case. And Acted upon. If the unmolested self says Yes, then its Ok; if it says No, the answer is No.
I must be aware that that other self is another person. Years have gone by. That other person never had to bear the weight of the doubt and pain of molestation. But now, I can lift that burden for a while from myself by this meditation. And I can let him see the light of day. In some ways he will be immature, because his life was interrupted by a tragedy. And he's been hidden for a long time. But now he will be able to see the light of day again. And he will be like a brother, comforting and much stronger because undamaged. But still full of the older persons deep understanding and compassion. Very free. Myself.
This is a decent thing to do, to give that other person room to breathe. Im well aware that I might find deep pain; but I must remember that I need to straighten the branches and make myself whole again.
Since I have so many plants the fact that I pruned them today makes a metaphor for me. I clipped them into health. It was not an invasion. And this meditation is a psyche surgery, a blessed wound, a healing of scarred tissue that wants to grow into the sun but has been blocked by a wall, sudden and corrupt that cut it free from time so that it could not grow. Stopped. Then another person stepped forward. Just like that. It changed on that day. Fundamentally. So the other child froze in fear, froze, and someone else stepped forward to make a life. And the unmolested self was left behind, a road not taken.
Not mourned, but not warped either.
So that means hes still there inside me, and he still has things to say if only I will let him speak.
Ive thought about this a lot, and I think that I would like to let his decisions really become mine. They seem better, smarter, more together and focused.
This is not touchy feely nonsense. I genuinely like the kid and want to see him whole in me. And dont tell me I cant make it happen: the voice of my censor speaks, and I become defensive, but in fact I am not afraid anymore.
And the block of ice should melt and the uninjured self should be able to emerge like a wound that has left no scar. So I will look into all my decisions, and more importantly I shall simply remember to generally ask. And then Ill let the answer free me to be myself unmolested. Unafraid.
Let the younger self analyze the older self. Listen to its perceptive answers. But dont ask it painful questions. Dont inflict your pain on it. Dont warp it by making it live through the pain. Im bored by that old story, and I dont want to live it anymore. Not in the sense of killing myself at all. No. I just dont want to be wasting my life. So ask simple questions about the simple actions of the day: would I brush my teeth now if I wasnt molested? Would I like pizza if I wasnt molested? Would I like beer? What about sex? (maybe a scary question!, so dont ask it?). Let the simple questions open doors on the habits of my molested life so I can unmake them. Then the hard questions will answer themselves.
Possibly they'll just disappear. The path not taken wasn't molested. Why not simply find it again, clear away the brambles and start anew?
My younger self told me I was depressed. And now I believe it. And I am able to work, knowing theres a choice between proper, unmolested kinds of decisions and ones that only arise through the warping. I prefer the unwarped, so I will remove that other.
I dont want to give up the past or smother it. Not at all. I want it to have its best effect rather than its worst. I would rather have a life I live than one I dont. I want to draw, and paint and design cities and take photographs I dont know if I want to fall in love, but I sure want to enjoy my life and do the things that mean something to me rather than ones the dont .
So much idiotic TV (and I watch less than the average), and my younger self is bored to tears. Lets go read a book I seem to say through it/ Or pick up the guitar for a minute.
My younger self loved to play and run around. My molested self stayed inside. My unmolested self wandered in the woods and swam and rode around in his boat, fishing, and he played games with his friends (and he had friends) he had dreams about growing up and becoming and then was frozen.
He is the root place, unwarped. Frozen. Someone else stepped on that fateful day. The one with the survival techniques that warped me so much and saved my life. But I don't need the techniques any more. I've survived. Now I just want my life back, and this seems the only way to get it back entirely.
So much better to live as the thing itself without the baggage.
So what does my older self do that my younger self would not? He doesnt watch much TV, he drinks very little. He likes to run around and play but he likes to read. He loves to draw. He loves photography. He loves to tell stories. He is passionate and totally in love with life.
I want to ask my sister to remember that boy, and I want to be that person again.
So much of this comes out of my simply having things I want to do that somehow I dont get up and do. And they are little things. I want to draw everyday so my skills become adequate to my design needs, and I LIKE DRAWING~!!!!!!! And Painting!!!!! And sculpting!!! and Im SCREAMING!!!!!!!! So Please let me do the things I want to do. I want to go looking around in the old swimming pool again for copper bellies because that was fun. I want to be able to play dodge ball gain because that was fun. Please let me run around and play!!! I want to go outside more often. Please dont lock me up in a little box of wood. I am not a little precious jewel, I am a person with needs that I want to meet. So dont be distracted by the daily habits that lead to forgetfulness of the passion for living. Take to heart the truth you are scared that you will die, and simply remember it. Youre only scared because youve been in prison for years frozen for years, rather, and now youre melting back into life.
Remember this is general it is not specific to my life. People, like pearl oysters get grit in them and everyone gets warped. How many of us actually live our lives with the perseverance of childhood? I will beat you at that video game if it takes forever and ever and ever and then play the game.
No more worries. Theyre to be treated with proper respect but then go back to the INTERESTING THING. Dont veer away from staring at the ants for hours. Its fascinating in fact lets make a film about it. Color and in 16mm because it will be more fragile. Wear the right clothes. Its so unbelievably specific. I was thinking that my younger self liked to sit for hours and watch ants build their nests. He would mess up the nest on purpose to make them buzz for a while then watch them get back to work. It was a fascinating and amazing show.
Battered and bruised, this shell is too much for me to carry. It will be sloughed off. Must be sloughed off, for it is a prison house. A tortoise, I walk encased in it, all the tiny decisions of day after day of being having been molested. Frightening the nature of the shell to grow. But scars like this shell are, though ones own flesh, something to leave behind that the flesh may be fully healed. Let the new skin come from the unmolested skin rather than the scar.
Every decision in my life has its repercussions. All the good ones, all the bad ones have been shaped by my having been shaped by the tragedy. I will find the starting place and begin again.
So a year has passed, and the Ive done this thing.not as often as I should have, but with great effect. I sit in the evening and ask my younger self what would you like to do? and were you happy with the day? Day by day he becomes stronger and more vital, and I love him more and more. He is becoming me. I listen to his healthy voice and it re-shapes my life.
Sorry for the long note, but it wasn't an easy thought to have, and I thought should be complete.
Danny
Danny
A meditation on the question would I do this particular thing if I hadnt been molested?
I want to open myself to myself through daily meditation practice, and the mantra I want to sing is to ask myself throughout the day, would I be doing this if I hadnt been molested, and to ask the question heart to heart. And then I want to let the answer make my decision for me.
Often Id be getting a beer out the fridge, and my unmolested self would say "No" to that gesture, and I want to allow that self free reign to own my body for at least a year. And I want my reactions to the questions to be honest in every case. And Acted upon. If the unmolested self says Yes, then its Ok; if it says No, the answer is No.
I must be aware that that other self is another person. Years have gone by. That other person never had to bear the weight of the doubt and pain of molestation. But now, I can lift that burden for a while from myself by this meditation. And I can let him see the light of day. In some ways he will be immature, because his life was interrupted by a tragedy. And he's been hidden for a long time. But now he will be able to see the light of day again. And he will be like a brother, comforting and much stronger because undamaged. But still full of the older persons deep understanding and compassion. Very free. Myself.
This is a decent thing to do, to give that other person room to breathe. Im well aware that I might find deep pain; but I must remember that I need to straighten the branches and make myself whole again.
Since I have so many plants the fact that I pruned them today makes a metaphor for me. I clipped them into health. It was not an invasion. And this meditation is a psyche surgery, a blessed wound, a healing of scarred tissue that wants to grow into the sun but has been blocked by a wall, sudden and corrupt that cut it free from time so that it could not grow. Stopped. Then another person stepped forward. Just like that. It changed on that day. Fundamentally. So the other child froze in fear, froze, and someone else stepped forward to make a life. And the unmolested self was left behind, a road not taken.
Not mourned, but not warped either.
So that means hes still there inside me, and he still has things to say if only I will let him speak.
Ive thought about this a lot, and I think that I would like to let his decisions really become mine. They seem better, smarter, more together and focused.
This is not touchy feely nonsense. I genuinely like the kid and want to see him whole in me. And dont tell me I cant make it happen: the voice of my censor speaks, and I become defensive, but in fact I am not afraid anymore.
And the block of ice should melt and the uninjured self should be able to emerge like a wound that has left no scar. So I will look into all my decisions, and more importantly I shall simply remember to generally ask. And then Ill let the answer free me to be myself unmolested. Unafraid.
Let the younger self analyze the older self. Listen to its perceptive answers. But dont ask it painful questions. Dont inflict your pain on it. Dont warp it by making it live through the pain. Im bored by that old story, and I dont want to live it anymore. Not in the sense of killing myself at all. No. I just dont want to be wasting my life. So ask simple questions about the simple actions of the day: would I brush my teeth now if I wasnt molested? Would I like pizza if I wasnt molested? Would I like beer? What about sex? (maybe a scary question!, so dont ask it?). Let the simple questions open doors on the habits of my molested life so I can unmake them. Then the hard questions will answer themselves.
Possibly they'll just disappear. The path not taken wasn't molested. Why not simply find it again, clear away the brambles and start anew?
My younger self told me I was depressed. And now I believe it. And I am able to work, knowing theres a choice between proper, unmolested kinds of decisions and ones that only arise through the warping. I prefer the unwarped, so I will remove that other.
I dont want to give up the past or smother it. Not at all. I want it to have its best effect rather than its worst. I would rather have a life I live than one I dont. I want to draw, and paint and design cities and take photographs I dont know if I want to fall in love, but I sure want to enjoy my life and do the things that mean something to me rather than ones the dont .
So much idiotic TV (and I watch less than the average), and my younger self is bored to tears. Lets go read a book I seem to say through it/ Or pick up the guitar for a minute.
My younger self loved to play and run around. My molested self stayed inside. My unmolested self wandered in the woods and swam and rode around in his boat, fishing, and he played games with his friends (and he had friends) he had dreams about growing up and becoming and then was frozen.
He is the root place, unwarped. Frozen. Someone else stepped on that fateful day. The one with the survival techniques that warped me so much and saved my life. But I don't need the techniques any more. I've survived. Now I just want my life back, and this seems the only way to get it back entirely.
So much better to live as the thing itself without the baggage.
So what does my older self do that my younger self would not? He doesnt watch much TV, he drinks very little. He likes to run around and play but he likes to read. He loves to draw. He loves photography. He loves to tell stories. He is passionate and totally in love with life.
I want to ask my sister to remember that boy, and I want to be that person again.
So much of this comes out of my simply having things I want to do that somehow I dont get up and do. And they are little things. I want to draw everyday so my skills become adequate to my design needs, and I LIKE DRAWING~!!!!!!! And Painting!!!!! And sculpting!!! and Im SCREAMING!!!!!!!! So Please let me do the things I want to do. I want to go looking around in the old swimming pool again for copper bellies because that was fun. I want to be able to play dodge ball gain because that was fun. Please let me run around and play!!! I want to go outside more often. Please dont lock me up in a little box of wood. I am not a little precious jewel, I am a person with needs that I want to meet. So dont be distracted by the daily habits that lead to forgetfulness of the passion for living. Take to heart the truth you are scared that you will die, and simply remember it. Youre only scared because youve been in prison for years frozen for years, rather, and now youre melting back into life.
Remember this is general it is not specific to my life. People, like pearl oysters get grit in them and everyone gets warped. How many of us actually live our lives with the perseverance of childhood? I will beat you at that video game if it takes forever and ever and ever and then play the game.
No more worries. Theyre to be treated with proper respect but then go back to the INTERESTING THING. Dont veer away from staring at the ants for hours. Its fascinating in fact lets make a film about it. Color and in 16mm because it will be more fragile. Wear the right clothes. Its so unbelievably specific. I was thinking that my younger self liked to sit for hours and watch ants build their nests. He would mess up the nest on purpose to make them buzz for a while then watch them get back to work. It was a fascinating and amazing show.
Battered and bruised, this shell is too much for me to carry. It will be sloughed off. Must be sloughed off, for it is a prison house. A tortoise, I walk encased in it, all the tiny decisions of day after day of being having been molested. Frightening the nature of the shell to grow. But scars like this shell are, though ones own flesh, something to leave behind that the flesh may be fully healed. Let the new skin come from the unmolested skin rather than the scar.
Every decision in my life has its repercussions. All the good ones, all the bad ones have been shaped by my having been shaped by the tragedy. I will find the starting place and begin again.
So a year has passed, and the Ive done this thing.not as often as I should have, but with great effect. I sit in the evening and ask my younger self what would you like to do? and were you happy with the day? Day by day he becomes stronger and more vital, and I love him more and more. He is becoming me. I listen to his healthy voice and it re-shapes my life.
Sorry for the long note, but it wasn't an easy thought to have, and I thought should be complete.
Danny
