Training center taken back
So finally, after being gone for almost 6 years, I went back to the training center where most of the sexual abuse occurred. Where he still trains other athletes (none under age 18 anymore though). Where one of my students is preparing for national competition (not training with HIM of course). Where how many others had been hurt also? Anyway, of the times I have been back home, never before have I gone near there. I am on a mission of 'reclaiming' parts of my life now, and decided that this visit home, I would 'reclaim' this other part of my life.
So, with permission of the manager, I was able to work some with my student there. It was so strange, seeing it again, seeing his office again, seeing him there, marching around so importantly. So much of me felt like a child again, a scared child. There was absolutely nothing for me to be afraid of there, and still I felt that fear, like I was entering some dangerous jungle or something.
Anyway, he was there, he knew I was there, and I know he was very surprised by it. He made a point to be watching us working, even though he pretended not to. But he was watching. I worked some with A and was also able to do a short amount of skating also, to be able to feel myself on THAT ice again, that which he tainted so much to me. And it did work some. I was able to not look so scared of it all. I was able to be 'together' of things. I even did some good jumps, including one jump combination that I KNOW he saw, one that I had never even done before, haha. (And of course, acted like i did that all the time! oh yes, if I could always jump like that, I would be still competitive skater!)
Anyway, it was another time of 'reclaiming', something I am trying so hard to do right now. I think mostly it went well. I did 'fall apart' some yesterday, just have been working hard at maintaining so much, but with being tired, and sick, and the emotions of being home (even for short time), I think just got best of me. But I am still here.
leosha
So, with permission of the manager, I was able to work some with my student there. It was so strange, seeing it again, seeing his office again, seeing him there, marching around so importantly. So much of me felt like a child again, a scared child. There was absolutely nothing for me to be afraid of there, and still I felt that fear, like I was entering some dangerous jungle or something.
Anyway, he was there, he knew I was there, and I know he was very surprised by it. He made a point to be watching us working, even though he pretended not to. But he was watching. I worked some with A and was also able to do a short amount of skating also, to be able to feel myself on THAT ice again, that which he tainted so much to me. And it did work some. I was able to not look so scared of it all. I was able to be 'together' of things. I even did some good jumps, including one jump combination that I KNOW he saw, one that I had never even done before, haha. (And of course, acted like i did that all the time! oh yes, if I could always jump like that, I would be still competitive skater!)
Anyway, it was another time of 'reclaiming', something I am trying so hard to do right now. I think mostly it went well. I did 'fall apart' some yesterday, just have been working hard at maintaining so much, but with being tired, and sick, and the emotions of being home (even for short time), I think just got best of me. But I am still here.
leosha
