Trained not to be a man
ForeverFighting
Registrant
I come from a family of powerful women and abusive men. It's the perfect recipe to mess with a boy's mind.
My mom taught me that my dad was lazy and stupid. He showed me that he was unpredictable, could lose his temper at any moment, and he was perfectly willing and able to hurt me. He tried to show his power. His idea of playing with the kids was to lay on the floor and have me and my sister try to keep him from getting up. He thought this was a great, fun game until I started growing. I remember the day he couldn't get up. Suddenly the game went bad, he blew into a rage and told me to get out of the house.
My uncle (dad's brother) was also unpredictable. He used to play with us--the same kind of rough play. Until the day he SA me. Again, the game had gone bad.
I had learned that being a man was bad. I remember, if you can believe it, praying when I was about 11 that my voice wouldn't change. I would do anything if God would keep me from turning into a man. Men were selfish, uncaring, unpredictable, mean, judgemental, violent, lazy, fat, stupid, and they would use another person as easily as turning on the TV. I would NOT become that. So I became the workaholic helper that never gained any weight. I never raised my voice or expressed my anger. And I used myself through porn and MB over and over and over so that I would never ever use anyone else. That stayed with me long into marraige. Sex was using another person, and I wouldn't do it.
I've come a long way. I'm here on a site full of men saying these words out loud. That never would have happened before. But I still have trouble with men. A family we love has a boy that's hit 14. He's always looked up to me, combed his hair like me, said stupid jokes like me. But I see man in him now, and it scares me. He stands too close, like he always did as a kid, but it was OK then. Now it makes me uncomfortable. He's becoming a threat to my safety. Another man at a meeting the other day came over and started talking to me. He's never done that. I can see that he wants to be friends, he needs to have a normal relationship with another guy at these meetings. I can't do it. He's a man. A cabinet-making, mechanically minded, emotionless man wanting to have idle chit-chat with me. I back away and try to get him talking to somebody else. He follows, because he probably thinks he and I could be friends. I leave and start talking to a woman.
In my mind still, men are judgemental. They want something from me. They expect me to be somebody I'm not to please them. Some days I detest this thing between my legs. Especially the days when things are hectic and emotional, when men are arguing and people are upset at me. It's still in me. If I could just be something I'm not, people will be happy.
Abuse isn't an event, it's a lifetime of training by a cast of mis-shapen characters in a bizaar play nobody wants to see. It's training by moms and dads and grandparents and aunts and uncles that I am nothing and I never will be as long as I'm a man.
This site gives me hope that it's OK to be a man and feel what I feel. It's a very vulnerable place, writing a post like this, but it's who I am and where I came from. I believe it's possible now to be a man and not be judgemental. I can be angry without losing my temper and hurting others. I can care and feel in front of others. That's my goal. Little by little, I'll find it.
My mom taught me that my dad was lazy and stupid. He showed me that he was unpredictable, could lose his temper at any moment, and he was perfectly willing and able to hurt me. He tried to show his power. His idea of playing with the kids was to lay on the floor and have me and my sister try to keep him from getting up. He thought this was a great, fun game until I started growing. I remember the day he couldn't get up. Suddenly the game went bad, he blew into a rage and told me to get out of the house.
My uncle (dad's brother) was also unpredictable. He used to play with us--the same kind of rough play. Until the day he SA me. Again, the game had gone bad.
I had learned that being a man was bad. I remember, if you can believe it, praying when I was about 11 that my voice wouldn't change. I would do anything if God would keep me from turning into a man. Men were selfish, uncaring, unpredictable, mean, judgemental, violent, lazy, fat, stupid, and they would use another person as easily as turning on the TV. I would NOT become that. So I became the workaholic helper that never gained any weight. I never raised my voice or expressed my anger. And I used myself through porn and MB over and over and over so that I would never ever use anyone else. That stayed with me long into marraige. Sex was using another person, and I wouldn't do it.
I've come a long way. I'm here on a site full of men saying these words out loud. That never would have happened before. But I still have trouble with men. A family we love has a boy that's hit 14. He's always looked up to me, combed his hair like me, said stupid jokes like me. But I see man in him now, and it scares me. He stands too close, like he always did as a kid, but it was OK then. Now it makes me uncomfortable. He's becoming a threat to my safety. Another man at a meeting the other day came over and started talking to me. He's never done that. I can see that he wants to be friends, he needs to have a normal relationship with another guy at these meetings. I can't do it. He's a man. A cabinet-making, mechanically minded, emotionless man wanting to have idle chit-chat with me. I back away and try to get him talking to somebody else. He follows, because he probably thinks he and I could be friends. I leave and start talking to a woman.
In my mind still, men are judgemental. They want something from me. They expect me to be somebody I'm not to please them. Some days I detest this thing between my legs. Especially the days when things are hectic and emotional, when men are arguing and people are upset at me. It's still in me. If I could just be something I'm not, people will be happy.
Abuse isn't an event, it's a lifetime of training by a cast of mis-shapen characters in a bizaar play nobody wants to see. It's training by moms and dads and grandparents and aunts and uncles that I am nothing and I never will be as long as I'm a man.
This site gives me hope that it's OK to be a man and feel what I feel. It's a very vulnerable place, writing a post like this, but it's who I am and where I came from. I believe it's possible now to be a man and not be judgemental. I can be angry without losing my temper and hurting others. I can care and feel in front of others. That's my goal. Little by little, I'll find it.
