TOXIC mother

TOXIC mother
B

bec

Registrant
hello men:

where do i start. i am angry and hurt. earlier today i made the mistake of hoping that my mother had changed, had become a better being. i spoke to her from my heart, in an honest way and i got burnt.

i take responsibility for this. i need have known better. nothing she has done in years would justify believing that she has changed. but, a part of me still has hope that she will heal, grow, and be a loving mother to me.(fat chance)

she emotionally incested me for 30+ yrs. i confronted her and she accepts no responsibility. instead she gets angry at me. indignant. as if I somehow did wrong by her.

i pray for the courage to let go and accept that she may never be a loving mother to me. i am 42 now and she is 60. if she hasnt gotten it yet she may never grasp humility and take responsibility for the many ways she hurt me. i must let go. no good can come from holding on.

so men, i am not feeling my best. i pray for strength and courage. i may have to be near her soon and i hope i recall the insights i had earlier today about her and our empty relationship. here's to taking care of and protecting ME. i can't count on her to. sincerely,


bec
 
bec,

I've been waiting about, oh, 40 years now for my mother to change, and I think hell will freeze over first - just my hunch. ;)

I recall years ago trying to confront my mother on something very small and simple compared to the big, ugly stuff. The mistake may have been doing it in public. I got this gentle, phony denial from her, and that something must be wrong with my memory. That little lesson taught me that confronting her on any issues is near useless.

I commend you for trying, since one never knows when a perpetrator of any caliber just might come clean and try to rectify things. It has happened in the world of other people I know, but not in mine. I can live with that too, since I know what to expect. I'm sad for you that it worked out against your hopes. Here you are trying to make things right in your life and in this case it just didn't go like you'd hoped. At least there are other avenues to getting things worked through.
 
bec-

i don't have the facility to respond very well at the moment - but i am hearing the strength in you to make such a healthy move for yourself -

i too am growing very strong right now - with getting rid of toxic people who perpetuate the affect the abuse has had in my life -

on the mother front - i had the fortune of my mother dying - to actually cut her out is a bigger step altogether - - good for you -

way to go

mgb
 
Bec,

there are times when we want something to be true SO much, we disregard warning signs and rational thought and reason. It happens. Humans are emotional creatures, creatures that will sometime act and react only on emotion, not intelligent thought or natural instinct.

You are human. You wanted to believe something better. I am sorry that it failed you. But she has failed to be the person she should be or have been to you. Her error is much more greivous then yours.

Try to be kind and gentle to yourself.

leosha
 
My elderly mother has been going thru some difficult time lately. She calls me up to fill my awareness with negativity. The other day I started to tell her what the source of her problems might be. But before we got to far into that conversation I realized that it was a pointless road with a dead end.

Many of my problems are the result of her selfishness. Most of her current problems emanate from that same source. But she will never hear that truth. Been burnt by trying to tell her more than once.

So, I let it go. Much as I want her to know, to admit knowing, it just isnt going to happen. That may be one of the greatest losses that I have to face. Even when she lies on her death bed I will not be able to crush her warped self-image. To try would be to insure that one of us would damn the other. And I love my mother, confused and painful as that love is...

Aden
 
an update men:

my mother called me today. she invited me out with her and other family members. i made the mistake of asking her if she was providing a 'peace offering'. i was honest with her about feeling very hurt the last time i spoke with her. she blamed me for everything. according to her I am the one in the wrong.

i am disapointed to admit this and that i once again 'took the bait' that she offered. i pray for the day when i will recognize that bait and go the other way. i believe she is either deep in denial or mentally ill or just plain evil. i must let go of her and forget about her changing.

men, i hope each of us enjoys the holiday for we truly deserve to. sincerely,


'struggling to learn', bec
 
Bec,

I am sorry that your mother has'nt changed - I feel for you - I really do! - my mother physicaly and mentaly abused me the whole time I was living in her house - I wrote her a letter of confrontation over a year ago - to this day she still refuses to even say one word to me about it (she did however have dad jump all over me for being so mean and cruel to my own mother - the old guilt trip ploy) - it's sad that she'll never change and it has been hard to pull away from her but both of us must for our own future health

Every single child born wants nothing more than to be loved - growing up through the lifes that we have had has left a very large hole of unfilled love in us that the child part is still trying to fill (that's why we continue to let our mothers have their way with us - in hopes that somehow they will come to love us if we let them get their way) - but the adult part of us must keep us safe - love can be found in other places... (friends, other family, significant others, ect.)

Take care,

TJ jeff
 
BEC,

I read your posts about your mother and I have to say that I thought it might have been me writing that stuff!

I understand exactly what you mean. The way that I've dealt with my mother is I have confronted her several times but she has never gotten it. She wraps herself up in her religiousity which seems to neutralize every issue (in her mind).

One side effect of all this mental abuse from our mothers is on our self confidence. I've found that as I've worked through my issues in my life and allowed myself to be more open with some friends (some are here on ms.org), then I seem to feel better about myself and less needing of a relationship with my mother or for that matter my biological family.

I do hope that you will begin to see yourself for who you are and not who you think your mother wants you to be.

Cheers,

Jimmer ;)
 
BEC - your mother sounds like a narcistic bitch -
my mother was a narcisistic cunt -

I am so sorry dude -

Mark
 
Bec, I am really sorry that your mother blames you for all of this.

It sounds like so much of deep denial, nothing ever happened, let's get back to the "way it used to be", to further make you feel guilty by transferring the blame on you.

I know you love her deep down, but she does not know how to do it without hurting. She needs to confront her own issues, and know just how much she hurts, but denial does not allow it.

take care of you for the new year,

ste
 
an update men:

since my last post i was around my mother once and i called my nephew's family's home twice and she answered both times. i said as little to her as possible.

she seemed angry with me given how she spoke on the phone after hearing my voice. whatever the case is i really do not care. i know i did her no wrong.

i was respectful with her. i refuse to accept her guilt trip. i became angry and decided the best thing to do was to speak as little to her as possible.

i do not feel guilty but i do feel sad. i know i did right by her. she did not do the same toward me but 'that is on her.' i do not have to worry about some day answering up for HER wrongs. only my own do i worry about.

i am grateful she flew out of town hours ago. during her 10 days here we had 2 phone conversations that upset me much, and i had 3 bouts of constipation. i believe this was due to the upset from talking to her.

when my nerves are in bad shape my stomach is often the first place i feel it. i cant afford such upset. i have had trouble with both a hemoroid and a hernia before. and, i dont need more of either.

i have no plans on contacting her again. she is either very sick or just plain evil and self-absorbed. i am done with her. and, i hope i remember this the next time she comes around trying to talk to me or see me. may we all take good care of ourselves. sincerely,


bec
 
good for you!
 
I wish you all the strength and courage you need to engage in this familiar struggle.

Acknowledging the pain that you feel when she responds to you as she does and when you remember how she has used you and responded to you in the past is a good thing.

If taking responsibility for what recently happened, for the hurt that you feel, means that you are thinking of it, feeling it, as your fault, you needn't.

Feelings are feelings. There is no fault in them and the guilt and shame we have about them is bogus. We are taught to feel that way about expressing some feelings, about feeling angry or feeling sad, all of it, but that is not part of what feelings are actually.

She was a child when she became a mother. Sounds like she is still struggling with that, as well. Too bad she's wasn't prepared to be a parent (and she could've been any age and not be prepared as many of us can attest) and too bad she isn't up to speed even yet.
 
a further update:

now my sister is mad at me men. my emotionally incestous mother stayed with her while she was visiting. and, i guess she cried on my sister's shoulder more than once.

i stopped by my sister's house last night. and my sister said she was not happy with me and that she was concerned with my mother's welfare.

i had no reply. i became angry and i knew that a reply could start an argument. my sister's comments showed no concern for me. she has been indoctrinated well by our mother i feel. and, to my mother I am the bad son. I am the reason we do not have a relationship.

sometimes i fear my sister is just as ill as my mother. i will do my best to keep away from my sister for the next week. no good can come from fighting. i surrender her and her family to a power greater than both of us. and wish for the best for her son and daughter.

i must do my best to meet my needs and take care of me. i cant rely on anyone else to. may we all take good care of ourselves men. sincerely,


bec :)
 
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