Toxic Knot of Hatred

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Toxic Knot of Hatred
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forlauren

Registrant
Its so awful to feel as much anger and feelings of hate as I have. My husband continues to minimize what his father did to him and he re-started his relationships with his dad and his brother just a couple weeks after I let him back in the house. I honestly think that when he calls himself a survivor hes just trying to say the right thing, and he doesnt see that what happened to him has practically ruined his life. I think the reason I completely blabbed the whole story to the social worker is because I dont feel like my husband is any sort of partner to me for the fact that he started up talking to his dad and brother again. He hides their emails from me so I dont know what theyre talking about. This feels like such a huge betrayal when those men said horrid things about me, and when my husbands discussions with them were sick and inappropriate. Now his dad is about to be confronted with CPS because of it. And hell most likely try to retaliate against me and try to hurt me or my children because of it. Our counselor says I shouldnt read my husbands email anyway. I dont agree. I think he lost the right to have private relationships with those sick men. I just emailed him and told him as long as hes talking to those men he had sex with he can stay the hell away from me. Can you imagine being so knotted up with hatred when youre 12 weeks pregnant and have an innocent 21 month old daughter? The therapist thinks I need some type of sedative to help me control my anger. I said no amount of drugs could change how I feel, and I doubt my doctor will have anything for me when Im pregnant. I have a dr. appointment Tuesday, so Ill tell her what Im going through and how mad I am and that the shrink thinks I need more meds (besides the antidepressants). I guess Im probably the least supportive friends and family member there is, I just dont see my husband making any progress despite the thousands and thousands of dollars that have been spent on therapy bills. Ive never had to feel so much fury. I cant even try botox either, because Im pregnant! I shout at people in the mall when they cut in line in front of me. Im a mess.
 
Dear Forlauren

I would like to respond to some of the things you are saying here.
First my opinion is that people are right to tell you you shouldn't read the e-mails your husband receive. I believe this is part of his life, privacy and intimacy. Having been abused means that people did not respect his boundaries and intimacy. Unless he wishes to share with you, respect that. I know it is hard especially because it is about his agressor. It seems that your man is in some kind of regression and denial phase. My guess is that your man still believes that what happened to him is not so bad and he might keep the illusion that he can "fix" the family who abused him. I have seen a few male survivors going down that track and fooled themselves until finally hitting the brick wall hard. I know it's tough to see someone we love making the mistakes and going for it. I guess they need to do that to get to the next step of the healing process. Some people get stuck there forever though and that's where it is important that you keep your boundaries (like saying that the agressor would never be invited inside your house).
I would also like to respond about the anger. I am an incest survivor. I am very angry to what my father did to me but when it comes to V., the man I love, and what his mother did to him, my anger turns to rage and violence and a strong will to strangle the bitch (sorry about the words there !). I have done a very therapeutic workshop with Mike Lew and I took great pleasure in bashing a boxing bag with the wooden part of an axe !!!! That helped me a lot !
This anger is part of the secondary victimization and it is very important that you release it in therapy. From my experience, being angry about my love's mother and telling him about it helped him a lot to connect to his own anger. My feelings of anger and rage helped V to allow himself to feel what he thought was inappropriate (he always tried to be the good boy mommy wanted)
Anger can be a powerful energy when redirected in the right way.
Don't forget that the healing process is exhausting and extremely painful. It takes a lot of time and courage to mourn our families and the ideal images we bought from childhood. Most of all (because I have been through another phase of mourning lately) it is very hard to stand up alone. Building a new family can never replace having lost your own.
I hope this can help and that I have understood your message properly.
Warmest regards
Caro
 
I just emailed him and told him as long as hes talking to those men he had sex with he can stay the hell away from me.
Click to expand...
That's possibly the best move.

There's nobody in the world that can make your husband change his attitude towards his abusers but him, he's got to make decisions, the choices and the changes. And until that time I doubt that your opinion will count for anything.

From what I remember you've said before, the 'family' seem to bonded together through abuse and pornography. The leader of this 'family' has some kind of hold over them, the 'dirty secret' hold and all the other crap we lived with.

Breaking those holds takes effort on our part, a willing and concious effort. Unfortunately others can't do it for us, they can support, but not do the work.

Until he's willing then you have to consider yourself and your childrens health and safety first.

Dave
 
I am the male survivor that ForLauren is talking about. I have made huge amounts of progress over the past 4 months. I am in group counseling and am benefitting greatly from the experience. I have come to see that my father letting me have sex with his girlfriend at the age of 13 (and joining in) was a reprehensible, unforgivable act. Though he never touched me or my brother, he still crossed a line and this was an act of betrayal. Fathers are supposed to protect their children and teach them right from wrong. My father left when I was 2 years old - he only ever wanted to be a friend, not a father. That doesn't change the fact that he WAS (is) my dad. I cut off all communication with he and my brother on Nov. 19th. I did not speak to either of them through Thanksgiving and Christmas and it wasn't until Jan. 27th that I made the first contact. This was due to a work-related trip to my home state in which we agreed (along with our therapist) that I should confront my father about hispast indiscretion and abuse. My wife got cold feet at the end, but I had already booked the trip and my sister (who I hadn't seen in 3 years) was excited to see me so I decided to go. The trip was great as I did confront my father and he accepted it. He did not judge me or my wife. He only wished for my happiness. I found no child porn in his home (I sneaked onto his PC at night) nor did I see any evidence of abuse towards my sister (and I looked real hard). My wife suffers from depression and her mood swings are famous - her own mother said she would pray for me after my wife told her to leave last time she was here. She is not planning any subsequent trips. I defended my wife when my brother accused her of sending an anonymous letter. I told him he was in denial - we agreed to disagree. I still have not re-connected with my brother. I have been working through my recovery and my wife continually throws my past in my face. Her anger has led her to say she hates my guys, that our daughtr is stupid like me and that she'll shoot our therapist. She is irrational beyond belief. I have listened to all of her fears and concerns. I have done everything she's asked of me, but at some point she needs to leave my issues alone and do som work on herself. She's been driving without a license for the past year (with our daughter in the car) and refuses to act like a responsible adult. She shirks responsibility and blames me for all of her problems. Co-dependence is a way of life for her. I am at the end of my rope. Now she is insisting that I call my father and brother in front of her. Here it is word for word.
"I want you to call your brother and tell him that neither you nor I appreciate the lie he said about me, that he knows it's a lie. You can tell him your wife is not particularly fond of marital rape or incest and is therefore repulsed by m and needs him to just go away for awhile. I also MUST be there when you tell your dad social services is going to be breathing down his throat if he doesn't go get psychological evaluations for the whole family. I want the conversation recorded because I need to know exactly what it is he's going to threaten me with and I need to know that you're not encouraging him to go ahead and harm me."

This is the level of paranoia I'm dealing with. I have put my family and our marriage first in my life. I love my daughter with all my heart. I now have very casual relationships with my dad and brother, and those relationships have become extremely respectful at my request. I am at a loss and would appreciate any wisdom any of you may have.

Thank you.
 
Hi husband, I see you're checking the boards. You say I'm paranoid all the time, then you go do things like sneaking around the ms boards without telling me, writing or calling my mom without telling me, sending my emails to our therapist without telling me, and when my mom tries to give you advice you don't listen to any of it. Think about why you are in such a fighting mode. Do you have such a strong need to win, to be right, that you just don't care about trying to create peace with me?
 
Yesterday was a contentious day, to say the least. After spending the night with Lauren, I was able to pull my head out of my ass a bit. I do want to create peace with you as my actions have shown. Making you coffee and breakfast and bringing them to you was an olive branch for peace. Moving your car before I left was another. I love life with you when we are in harmony and I wish for this above all things. We are very much the same person - we feel things very deply and need to feel loved and supported. Let's try to be calm and loving towards each other. The social worker came to my work today and our case is now closed. We worked out a timeline for my father assessment and they are satisfied with that. I told them that my wish is for us to be married for the next 30 years and to raise our children in a loving, harmonious household. I am willing to do anything to preserve that wish, as long as it is positive.
 
I do not often come to this area, although I have good friend who come here. But I do not think personal relations of wife and husband belong here. I think it is not appropriate. I hope you will work things out somewhere else, rather then public support message board for survivors.

Andrei
 
Sorry about that Andrei. I am new to this site and am unfamiliar with the rules. I hope this didn't upset you too much. I thought someone would be able to give me some good advice - I guess not.
 
I'm going to close this topic to give everyone a chance to find a way of helping without a 'domestic' breaking out.

I hope that everyone concerned understands that we are here to help Survivors and their Partners as much as we possibly can, and we will strive to find a way that you can do it here at MS.

Thanks
Lloydy ( Forums Admin )
 
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