Totally depressed
Today I went to a playgroup with my son and suffered fairly extreme social anxiety. I felt inferior and a failure and a mess.(I don't think I actually look like that) A woman there smiled at me and I know she's shown interest in me talking and getting to know me before, but i felt totally threatened by it and didn't want to talk with her at all. I did make conversation with another woman who I've talked with in the past, who is more guarded and shows less interest in knowing me. I presume this is a trust issue. Then I began worrying about the whole issue of sex/intimacy. I tried dealing with the issue of triggers from a sensitive point of view and to keep the lines of communication open, but that fell flat on it's face, as he told me it was things to do with me, I repressed anger and the whole thing was useless. I can't seem to cope with the ignoring/rejection if we are playful, if I flirt.The few times my bf tried to make eye contact with me a month or so ago, I found I couldn't trust him enough to believe what he meant/wanted by it. I seem to have reached the point where I am worried I will not be able to share that side of myself with him again. I have no confidence left.
I started worrying all over again about what bf might want sexually. I came home, cried and we talked. I asked him if that's what he wants. He said what he wants is for us to properly connect, like he's had a few glimpses of. He said he sees how that can be ultimately satisfying and erotic. I understand what he means, but worry that he more wants this other thing and he's just not being honest. (to be dominated/whatever) We have previously talked about the possibility of him going outside the relationship for this, and also me giving it. After much thinking, I have come to conclusion that I just can't do it myself, as it really doesn't get me off. He said he doesn't feel it would be a good idea for him to go outside of this relationship for this kind of thing at the moment, as it could badly trigger him, or just be traumatising. He also said that just like it says in one of our books, it could be something which might be good for his healing in the future. I said, if in the future, how come you don't want to do that now? And he said, because of where he's at in his healing. I told him I don't feel that is something I will ever be able to give him and that I was sorry. I also asked him how he felt about that, but strangly I can't actually remember what he said.
Also in the past I have shared with him openly sexual desires I have had, which we have acted out.(Like to be dominated etc) I now feel it was all a lie. He says he was triggered all the time, but OUTSIDE of the actual act of sex?? I just feel badly lied to and I now don't understand what any of that meant. Also, in the past I have asked him what he's wanted, we've done those things too, but I don't think any of that was actually to do with me. He wasn't 'with' me, if you see what I mean. I now see he wasn't 'with' me for any of it, and that explains why I 'checked out' so aften too. I used to feel like some kind of prostitue to him or something. I have been so honest with him. I've shared my deepest stuff. I even told him it was important for me to please him. In the context of all that, I just don't understand how he repeatedly(I now know) made it into an issue of 'getting it right' for me??!! Afterwards and even out of context, I asked him so many times if he enjoyed things, and he always convinced me he had.
How can I trust anything he says to me during our conversations now? I'm having such a hard time believing him. I'm having such a hard time believing I really do anything for him. I know he finds my body attractive, but i mean ME! Who I am. Part of me thinks that really wants at the moment is the thing I can't give and I'm not even opposed to that, but i don't know where it leaves me and especially if he's not being honest about it all. Also, if that's something he might want in the future, where does that leave me? I'm just starting to feel horrible about myself more and more in this relationship. How can I ever trust him again? I just feel like I don't know who he is, but then I've felt like that for about 3/4 of a year, so it's not a new thing
I feel there is so much passion/playfullness lacking in our relationship. I can't do it anymore and bf said it makes sense that it should come from him first, but he thinks that is a long way off yet. I feel so low about this.
I feel so tormented by all of this.
I want to be with a man who can really love me for who I am and be kind to me. And I no longer feel I can be good for bf in any way.
sorry to sound so depressing, but today I just feel like I'm on the edge of a breakdown.
peace
Beccy
I started worrying all over again about what bf might want sexually. I came home, cried and we talked. I asked him if that's what he wants. He said what he wants is for us to properly connect, like he's had a few glimpses of. He said he sees how that can be ultimately satisfying and erotic. I understand what he means, but worry that he more wants this other thing and he's just not being honest. (to be dominated/whatever) We have previously talked about the possibility of him going outside the relationship for this, and also me giving it. After much thinking, I have come to conclusion that I just can't do it myself, as it really doesn't get me off. He said he doesn't feel it would be a good idea for him to go outside of this relationship for this kind of thing at the moment, as it could badly trigger him, or just be traumatising. He also said that just like it says in one of our books, it could be something which might be good for his healing in the future. I said, if in the future, how come you don't want to do that now? And he said, because of where he's at in his healing. I told him I don't feel that is something I will ever be able to give him and that I was sorry. I also asked him how he felt about that, but strangly I can't actually remember what he said.
Also in the past I have shared with him openly sexual desires I have had, which we have acted out.(Like to be dominated etc) I now feel it was all a lie. He says he was triggered all the time, but OUTSIDE of the actual act of sex?? I just feel badly lied to and I now don't understand what any of that meant. Also, in the past I have asked him what he's wanted, we've done those things too, but I don't think any of that was actually to do with me. He wasn't 'with' me, if you see what I mean. I now see he wasn't 'with' me for any of it, and that explains why I 'checked out' so aften too. I used to feel like some kind of prostitue to him or something. I have been so honest with him. I've shared my deepest stuff. I even told him it was important for me to please him. In the context of all that, I just don't understand how he repeatedly(I now know) made it into an issue of 'getting it right' for me??!! Afterwards and even out of context, I asked him so many times if he enjoyed things, and he always convinced me he had.
How can I trust anything he says to me during our conversations now? I'm having such a hard time believing him. I'm having such a hard time believing I really do anything for him. I know he finds my body attractive, but i mean ME! Who I am. Part of me thinks that really wants at the moment is the thing I can't give and I'm not even opposed to that, but i don't know where it leaves me and especially if he's not being honest about it all. Also, if that's something he might want in the future, where does that leave me? I'm just starting to feel horrible about myself more and more in this relationship. How can I ever trust him again? I just feel like I don't know who he is, but then I've felt like that for about 3/4 of a year, so it's not a new thing
I feel there is so much passion/playfullness lacking in our relationship. I can't do it anymore and bf said it makes sense that it should come from him first, but he thinks that is a long way off yet. I feel so low about this.
I feel so tormented by all of this.
I want to be with a man who can really love me for who I am and be kind to me. And I no longer feel I can be good for bf in any way.
sorry to sound so depressing, but today I just feel like I'm on the edge of a breakdown.
peace
Beccy
Your support is very valuable to me and the support/advice from everyone else here too.