tormented (may trigger)

tormented (may trigger)
S

sonlite

Registrant
books i have on my bed

1. victims no longer
2. don't call it love
3. the optimistic child
4. happiness is a serious problem
5. getting real
6. feel better now
7. the gestalt therapy book
8. born to win
9. wild at heart
10. how to be an adult
11. awareness: exploring, experiencing, experiementing
12. the comptetent child
11. change your brain, change your life
12. taking charge of adhd
13. 16 ways to love your lover
14. gestalt therapy in pastoral care counseling
15. the prayer of jabez

i have been busting my ass trying so hard to heal and figure me out. i feel overwhelmed. (no sh*t sherlock you checked out half the county library) but seriously i have been tormented and tormented by this puzzle called recovery and by my own resistance to feeling better ... i don't want to be so messed up. but i just cannot find "the key" to accept me as sucessful and happy. i am smart, handsome, humorous, graceful (to everyone else), loving, sensuous, physically fit ...

SO WHY DO I ALWAYS, ALWAYS HAVE THIS NEVER ENDING FEELING THAT I AM GOING TO BE "FOUND OUT" A LOSER AND BEAT UP!!! WHY DO I ALWAYS RUN LIKE HELL AND AVOID LIFE!!!

i am tormented by this persistent pattern of self destruction and self neglect. why do i want to avoid life?

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!!! I WAS SEVEN G-DAMN YEARS OLD!!! OF COURSE I LIKED IT, THAT BASTARD HAD THE KINDEST VOICE AND WAS HE WAS NICE TO ME!!! BUT I HAVE BEEN "F*CKING MYSELF OVER FOR THE LAST 30+ YEARS!!!

something inside me just won't let me forgive myself. something inside me torments the hell out of me and makes me terrified of emotional closeness w myself and others who i so much want to reach out to. i am tormented bc i would so much rather be on the phone talking to a real friend than annonymously typing this.

I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH YEARS AND YEARS OF THIS HEALING-JOURNEY BULLSH*T!!! I WANT TO LIVE ... NOW!!! ITS NOT FAIR!!! I HATE LIFE!!! I GOT YOUR "ACCEPTANCE" RIGHT HERE!!!

tormented. sad. angry. very lonely. tired. bored. afraid of success. not afraid of failure.
used to failure. don't feel like a man. feel "not good enough" [almost crying]. how can i help anyone else?

gotta stop now

sonlite
 
Oh sweetie (sorry if this triggers you, just how I am),

You can read book after book it isn't going to matter.

1. You are as impatient as I am.
2. Doesn't matter how 'perfect' you are.
3. What is in your Heart?
4. Stop looking for for What is 'perfect' for you. Look only for the truth of what makes you happy. (Truly happy)
5. Love is most important. Regardless of what you've 'LEARNED'.
6. Number five is the 'magic pill'.
7. All the rest is crap but love.
8. Love is unconditional. (Think about that!)
9. The 'value' of yourself is not your own but of others. Doesn't matter what 'value' you believe you have.
10. What the hell is there to forgive?

something inside me just won't let me forgive myself.
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Self destruction and self-neclect don't matter.

Wanna talk to a 'real' friend? Call me!

"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!" No shit? Really? Stand in line!

I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH YEARS AND YEARS OF THIS HEALING-JOURNEY BULLSH*T!!! I WANT TO LIVE ... NOW!!! ITS NOT FAIR!!! I HATE LIFE!!! I GOT YOUR "ACCEPTANCE" RIGHT HERE!!!
Click to expand...
Stand in line... bring it on!

how can i help anyone else?
Click to expand...
To late... you already have.
 
how can i help anyone else?
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Marc's right, you know. You have already helped. Here's a quote from RickL, in a recent follow up to one of your posts:

Thanks again, everyone who posted on this thread, and especially you, sonlite, for having the courage to bring this up. It's what makes MS so valuable to me. We are not alone in these feelings!
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Rick's right, too. Being here for each other makes this place better for all of us.

Hang in there. I have a ton of books on my bed, and in my car, and everywhere else. Haven't found the answer book yet. I promise to tell everyone when I do!

If there's shit inside that needs to come out, get it out.

Later,

Joe
 
Sonlite,

Hang in there. Your posts are very helpful to me in that they help understand. I read a lot too. I noticed that books do not solve anything in themselves but they do help formulate certain things and provide the words to express what is/was going on. They are a tool, not the cure.

Understanding is power but the healing still has to come about from somewhere. The wound has to be cleaned up and healed; otherwise it festers indefinitely. I have been fighting to stay conscious to it all and it has been one big turmoil after another (putting it mildly). I have never felt so alone, yet now there are also moment of so much hope. I keep repeating to myself regarding the pain, confusion, and sense of loss "It is temporary. This too shall pass."

Sometimes that is all it takes. Sometimes I wish someone would just take it all away.

It has occurred to me lately that each one of us is such a unique human being that no book will address us specifically unless we "write" it about us. So I look at my life now as something I create. I choose what stays and what goals and I accept the price for both. (BTW, this is harder than it sounds, because of all the bad habits instilled when I was a child.)

I hope that eventually good life becomes the habit of a life time. I just need to define it. In the meantime, I am working on giving myself the fredom to go through sad, painful moments in peace.

I am grateful that I grew up with a sense of faith in God. I think most days that is what is holding my life together.

Peace,
Freedom.
 
i have been busting my ass trying so hard to heal and figure me out. i feel overwhelmed.
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Maybe you're overdoing it a little. It sounds like you're trying too hard. Try relaxing and doing some nice 'normal' every day things. Go for a bike ride, a walk by the lake or something that is unusual for you but that you would enjoy and look forward to. The business of healing isn't something that will happen by cramming down a bunch of books or spending all your time on this forum trying to set records for postings! A big part of healing comes from doing healthy activities that are building blocks to mental health. Maybe volunteering at a hospital or humane society might help take your mind off your own troubles. By helping others we help ourselves. Peace, Andrew
 
slept ok last nite - i guess i needed to get that tantrum out. i have been SOOO disconnected and dissociated from my own sense of self that now that i am trying to be aware of life it is overwhelming me. so here are some random thoughts and feelings i am having

i feel a little dissappointed that many have responded to my 'helping others' comment bc there is a part of me that i need to accept which says "screw others i want MY help"

i am disappointed that today it is cloudy and i wasted a beautiful sunny day yesterday, looking at porn.

i am encouraged that i have NO desire to do that now.

i know that i am overdoing it.

i am aware that i am using healing and reading and thinking as another means of escape from everyday life.

i am aware that i have an opportunity to do private practice work w foster kids and that is scaring the hell out of me. i don't know how to overcome this fear which is why i either go back to my analytical cocoon or do stupid things.

i am aware that i am anxious about my $ bc i am getting unemployment but it comes weekly and if something gets messed up w it this week's installment i will have less than zero money to live on.

i am aware that i miss swimming. but i feel ashamed to go up to the ymca and follow up on the scholarship application i submitted after i was laid off.

i could write tons more but feel like i should stop here.

thanks everyone for being patient w me. i am a hurt boy [damn, crying] shoulda stopped at the last sentence.

sonlite
completely unedited
 
i am smart, handsome, humorous, graceful (to everyone else), loving, sensuous, physically fit ...
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Darn right you are and don't you forget it!

...WHY DO I ALWAYS RUN LIKE HELL AND AVOID LIFE!!!
i am tormented by this persistent pattern of self destruction and self neglect. why do i want to avoid life?
Click to expand...
Becuz like most of us what you know about yourself
deep down and what you know about what others told you and the way they treated you are so different. Just remember you are right and they were oh so wrong.

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!...BUT I HAVE BEEN "F*CKING MYSELF OVER FOR THE LAST 30+ YEARS!!!
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Damn right you didn't! They did! Get the help it takes not to let them do it to you anymore! So says the one who waited 35 years from the last time he was abused! :rolleyes:

something inside me just won't let me forgive myself. something inside me torments the hell out of me and makes me terrified of emotional closeness w myself and others who i so much want to reach out to. i am tormented bc i would so much rather be on the phone talking to a real friend than annonymously typing this.
Click to expand...
Sonlite I can so closely relate to all of this. As to forgiving yourself--for what?! The main thing that has helped me with this is beginning the process of forgiving my perps. Not becuz they deserve it or even know it, but becuz it helps me heal. One way it does this is that as I forgive them for abusing me, I am reinforcing w/i myself that I'm not the one who needs forgiving for it. If you put forgiveness, forgive, forgiving into
"search" you will find several helpful threads.

I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH YEARS AND YEARS OF THIS HEALING-JOURNEY BULLSH*T!!! I WANT TO LIVE ... NOW!!! ITS NOT FAIR!!! I HATE LIFE!!! I GOT YOUR "ACCEPTANCE" RIGHT HERE!!!
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Sonlite, you are expressing the cry & lament of the male survivor, the mournful howl of the wounded wolf. One I've belted out a few times myself... :rolleyes: :( You are so right on target! Just hold onto "I WANT TO LIVE...NOW!!!"
Becuz you can. We can.

tormented. sad. angry. very lonely. tired. bored. afraid of success. not afraid of failure. used to failure. don't feel like a man. feel "not good enough" [almost crying]. how can i help anyone else?
Click to expand...
My friend, you have so powerfully & poignantly articulated your feelings and the feelings of so many of us, that you have already helped somebody else, me included. Thank you.

In expressing your feelings, even in writing & anonymously, there can be great healing.

TC & TTYL fellow survivor.

Victor
 
me again,

well i stopped crying ... and had some breakfast: toasted blueberry pop-tarts, coke, and chips & salsa (breakfast of champions).

i checked my bank online and my $ came in, so i won't bounce any checks.

i am going to completely shut down the computer for awhile and walk away from this site.

i am aware that i feel good about my little steps. so i am going to try to keep moving while i still have some momentum. one way or another i HAVE to go for a swim bc swimming is like spiritual for me.

thanks for everyone's support. i'm glad i came back here. i'm not used to trusting guys or even talking to guys.

sonlite
 
Your excellant list of books and desire to dive in to them and resolve (heal) the pain and symptoms shows your dedication but also your impatience (somethng I recognize in myself)- but I have had to recognize that much of the healing I need is on a feeling level. My deep seated emotional mind sets are still there even after my intellectual mind sees the answer or the path out.

I have noticed that I have a long commitment to not feeling anything and the work I need to do starts with getting out of my head and allowing myself to feel the feelings I have for so long stuffed.

I hate it. But I am forcing myself to feel at every opportunity so that I can process them and be done with their power over me.

Yes, I want it over with, and want things to be "normal" but I also know I have never known what it is like to be "normal" the way I imagine others to be. "normal" for me has been to not feel, to be in denial, to dwell in my unhealthy distractions, to avoid myself and my problems (my anger, hurt, confusion, depression, distrust, lack of boundaries...etc.) - and when I realized that it was a kind of slow death that started when I was 6 years old - I got afraid that I would succeed at it - to become a totally encased shell of a person - unreachable, incapable of loving or being loved, dead to all I thought I cared about.

It was when I understood that, I became as driven to deal with my emotions as I was to deal with my stuff in my head.

I now know there is no way I want to be "normal", my old normal or someone else's. No way I want to return to my slow death. In fact I say, F***k normal! This is me - and I am doing my life's work of shedding the old, looking toward an emerging new me, and living in the present a little more each day. (yea, day by day).
 
Sonlite,

Go ahead and cry. I read today that sometimes we get depressed/emotional right before new memories emerge. Maybe you are getting ready for something new to be uncovered. I suspect that just because we do not remember, it does not mean that IT does not affect us. So maybe we might as well know?

Thad,

I like what you wrote. But I have been thinking that I need to know what I want as a replacement for all this trash from the past.

Peace,
Freedom
 
sonlite, you have already taken a giant step in the right direction in finding yourself....right here. We are all in the same boat and Victor said, it took him 35 years, it took me over 40, a marriage in shambles and 3 years of reading everything and everything I can get my hand on. I think if Lake Superior was in my back yard, I could have refilled it with all the tears I've cried and I could have kicked Roy Rogers horse from Maine to Calif and back with all the times I have kicked myself for all the stupid things I have done, the gay porn, drinking in excess, the lies, the pretending etc, etc.
Don't be so hard on yourself, get the help through this site, through books but above all from your heart. If that starts to heal, then so can the rest of you. My journey may take the rest of my life but I am feeling one hell of alot better about alot of things now that I have confronted my issues head on, listened to people a heck of alot smarter than I am and listened to my heart. I cannot forget what happened to me but, I can let it not dominate my life and the life of those I love.
Be strong, love yourself, do something fun and if you slip, pick yourself up and start over without the kick this time.
Bob
 
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