took a trip ,tried to visit my mom

took a trip ,tried to visit my mom
S

shadowkid

WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shado
last weekend i was within 50 miles of where my mom lives now ,quick background,my mom left and divorced my dad right before my abuse happend ,after the death of my brother,i have contacted her by phone but she refused to see me .in my usual way i deciced i would just drop in. my mother refused to see me but her husband ,my step dad i guess ,talked to me and let me meet my half brother ,i was there for about 3 hours but my mom would not come out of the house ,i am telling myself that it dont matter ,but not sure if i believe that. my main intrest was meeting my brother he is 7 years old and a very cool kid ,but it does hurt that after 10 years of not seeing me that my mom is so ashamed of her past and me that she wont even talk to me.i have not seen her since i was 10 or 11 years old . i understand that she wants to forget the bad things in her past ,but i dont understand how i became one of those bad things. i wonder does she know i cried everynight for a long time after she left .i had written a kinda nasty letter to her ,planned to leave it there but didnt ,why would i care if what i wrote hurt her feelings? i just dont understand why i still care when my parents dont and never did ,how do i get them out of my heart ,i cant spare the space that they are wasting in my heart .sorry dont have a clue where this is going ,but i got to meet my brother!!how cool is that? he looks just like my brother that died ,,what do i tell him when he asks why his mom wont talk to me ?very hard question ,i dont have an answer .thanks for letting me ramble aimlessly. adam
 
Adam,

It's very cool that you got to meet your brother. Hopefully one day you'll actually get to have a relationship with him. For now, though, I wouldn't worry too much about how to answer his questions. To be honest, if the opportunity comes along for him to ask those questions of you while he's still so young, my own opinion would be to somehow give him no answer at all. A simple, "you're mom is just giving us time alone" would be about as far as I would go. The little guy can not possibly comprehend the dynamic of your place in his or her life.

Another thing to ponder is that he may have already asked his parents. Her husband obviously knows about you, although how much is anyone's guess. If you get the chance to see your brother again, it'll probably be through him, so talk to him and take his lead on what to tell your brother if the subject comes up.

As for your mother, I don't think she's ashamed of you one little bit; the shame is hers. It's her behavior, her shortcomings and what she did and allowed to happen to you. It all belongs to her, not you.

I'm sorry that you continue to feel hurt by her. I can't even imagine the feeling of being rejected by a parent. But you need to learn and understand that what she did was not because of you, it was because of something missing in her. I don't know how you get to that understanding but I do know it to be fact.

You're a good person Adam; it's her loss that she isn't.

ROCK ON........Trish
 
Adam, it's great that you got to meet your 1/2 brother. Sounds like he was pretty cool.

I'd give your mother some time. She is probably working through 1000 things and she might just be scared to talk to you. After all, she lost one child and almost lost another, that has probably done a lot of damage to her mentally.

Like Trish said, the key here might be your mother's husband. He is the closest person to her right now and he probably understands what she is thinking. It might work out that he can bring the two of you together. Crazier things have happened.
 
Adam

how do i get them out of my heart ,i cant spare the space that they are wasting in my heart
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This is really well put. I know just what you mean.

For me, it helps to know that there are reasons for other people's actions towards me, that had nothing to do with me. There are some kinds of sicknesses and heartaches that I can't feel but that caused some folks around me to do some terrible shit, and I can be grateful that I don't know what it's like to live in that person's head because honestly, as much as you begrudge her that space in your heart, imagine if that shame and sickness were part of who YOU were like they are part of her.

Take care
SAR
 
Adam,

i just dont understand why i still care when my parents dont and never did ,how do i get them out of my heart ,i cant spare the space that they are wasting in my heart.
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I have two closely related comments, and I hope you will take them to heart.

The first is that you care about your parents because you want access to your little brother. This is the most natural and loving feeling in the world, in my humble (if endlessly expressed) opinion. And for a boy to discover that his adult big brother actually cares about him...that has to have a powerful effect.

The second is that all "boys", whatever their age, want and need the approval of their parents. I am 57, bro, and I DESPERATELY want my Mom and Dad's approval. Again, it's a natural inclination and as human beings I guess we are hardwired for that.

This isn't the first time you have referred to your feelings for your mother. Adam, that's okay! But concerning your mother ask yourself this. What do you WANT? What do you NEED? And in the interim, how much damage is it doing to you to be rebuffed?

True, she may eventually see the light and realize she has a precious opportunity here. But what's the price until that magic moment? Isn't this what addicted gamblers do? Continue to lose hoping for a change in their luck? It can't work like that. Try to have a good hard look at your emotional needs, how your mother might fit into them, and what your prospects are for success. Try to view things the way they really are.

Much love,
Larry
 
thakns for the help guys larry i am trying to understand what i want from my mom and the more i think about it the more i see that too much time has passed to get what i needed from her ,i dont need her ,but the little kid inside me cant give up trying to get the love of his mother ,and yes it is hurting me everytime she pushes me away ,though i dont want to admit that,got to be strong you know got to show them i dont care ,but i do care.and its like being abandoned again everytime she wont see me ,i dont need to feel that over and over ,the adult in me sees my mom for what she is ,but the little kid sees the women who once held him and seemed to love him before the world went to hell . why does he have this overwhelming desire to just say i'm sorry mommy ,so sorry ?he has nothing to be sorry for .what do i want from my mom? i want to be able to tell her i'm sorry ,but i dont know what for,i'm not to blame ,but i feel like its my fault that her life got so bad that she just wants to forget everything,guess i'm confused as hell which seems to be normal for me,i have decided in respect to my visit that i can be heartbroken cause my mom wont see me or i can be glad that her husband is trying to understand and that he agrees that i should be in my brothers life .i have lost my mother but i have gained something so much more important ,i have my brother ,and for me the loss of my brother so long ago is the loss that hurt me the most ,so i choose to go with the good that came from my visit ,concentrate on that instead of the hurt i feel from my mom.but sitting in that yard with my brother knowing my mom was in the house and would not come out is a very hollow way to feel ,i cant say it didnt bother me cause it did ,i waited so long to be with my mom its like i wasted all that time and love on something that really didnt exist at all. sahdow
 
like i said before when it comes to my mom ,i would love to hate her ,but i hate loving her .
 
Shadow,

Your post illustrates EXACTLY why therapists will try to get a survivor to focus on the present and future as quickly as possible. Yes, we have to face the past. Yes, we have to go through the anger, grieving, and what have you. We have to OWN OUR PAST (I like this phrase).

But why? Not to get answers to questions like why couldn't my parents protect me (you and me both), or why didn't my mother love me (you). The idea is these processes can be turned into tools we can use for our recovery. For example, I spent a lot of time coping with toxic people in my family. Finally I wised up and detached myself from them; I learned that this was what I needed to do. The hell they put me through I could see instead as a tool I really needed to have: the ability to identify toxic people and other users and block them out of my life as soon as possible.

And in the case you are talking about there is also a huge plus: you are reuniting with your little brother. That's great news, and I hope that helps you as you learn what it feels to me loved by a little kid. A little brother ADORES a caring and cherishing big brother!

Much love,
Larry
 
Adam,

I don't feel that I can add to what has already said about the situation with your mother. I can understand your feelings of hating loving her.

I would just like to say this about your relationship with your brother. In November of 2005, my relationship with my brother John was healed. I hope that the relationship you are now starting with your little brother is as good as what John and I have if not even better.

Love ya

Darrel
 
Adam,

she must be too ashamed of what she did in the past.
Write and tell her how much you grieved her loss, and offer her forgiveness.

She was probably in her room deep in worry about what you might have talked about with her husband.

Your little brother will ask for you, his parents should grant him that wish.
You could tell him you have been living too far away to get there sooner.

He will believe that, he is only 7.
The first meeting is always the hardest, so she wont be so distant in future meetings.

I am glad you got to see him,

ste
 
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