too vulnerable today

too vulnerable today
F

fhorns

Registrant
I'm at work and I feel like raw hamburger. I can't even put any hours in for this morning because all I did was hide in the custodian's closet. I couldn't be seen. I felt too vulnerable. I couldn't look anyone in the eyes. And I wouldn't call my wife. She wouldn't understand or want to know about my panic and pain today. I don't want to be here...but I am. And I don't know how to get on with it. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be responsible when all I want is safety. Do you know what I am going through? Could you do anything about it? I could NOT push IT away and I did not/could not/would not do that. God Dammit I'm tired. Of pushing it away. Of making believe it didn't matter. Of not feeling or caring a shit about ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God Dammit I'm mad. If anyone wants to move this topic go ahead. It doesn't matter. God Dammit, I don't care. It hurts too much, and I don't care. CAN'T GO BACK TO BEING AFRAID!!!!!! CAN'T GO BACK!! CAN'T GO BACK! What do I do? Got to love someone, even myself. But who cares?! Nobody but me can make that happen. If I don't WHO will??!!!!!! Won't it go away?! NO!! IT WON'T. CAN'T STAND IT, BUT CAN'T ABANDON IT. "IT" IS ME. I WENT THROUGH THAT. I SUFFER THE PAIN. I GO THROUGH HELL AND CAN'T ADMIT IT TO MYSELF. AND NOBODY CARES. NOBODY CARES. NOBODY... I'm sorry, but I'm not making this up. SOMEONE ELSE WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS. SOMEONE ELSE DAMAGED THAT PART OF MY SOUL AND FOR WHAT? TO GET THEIR KICKS OFF FOR AWHILE. WHO IS GOING TO MATTER IF I DON'T? WHO CARES? I COULDN'T. UNTIL NOW. I AM GOING TO GO THROUGH SOME MAJOR CHANGES, AND I AM ASKING FOR YOUR HELP. I DON'T WANT YOUR HELP. IT MAY MEAN I MAY GET HURT. BUT AT LEAST YOU COULD UNDERSTAND FOR ME. IT'S TIME...FOR ME TO TAKE ACTION!!! NOBODY ELSE COULD DO THIS. IT'S MY TURN.....

THANK YOU.

FHORNS
 
Well we care. You are taking control and that is good. Why move the post? We all feel that way some times and then we take action.

You are human, we are all human. What happened to us was inhuman. What else can I say!!!

Sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do and that is that.

Just remember that there are a lot of strong shoulders here.
 
FHORNS - a year gone December I was feeling very similar at work. I had regressed to being a 12 year old and I had a Department to run. I was terrified and there was so much going on in my head, that the only way I could escape was to go and hide in a toilet in a remote part of the building. I work across several areas of the plant, so people didn't even realise I was missing.

I hit rock bottom & took time off work - it took a while, but I am so much stronger now. I found that forcing myself to eat properly & cutting out stimulants also helped.

I understand - believe me you can recover from this. I offer you strength - I hope you receive it and use it.

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Rik, I don't know how to thank you. I need honesty more than you know (no, you know). That was what I needed today. Thank you too much.

fhorns
 
fhorns, You are safe here to get all that crap off your chest.

We are here for you!
 
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