Too much, triggers

Too much, triggers
A

ak

Registrant
I do not post so much here at all, and almost not for here in public posting. And not been posting so much personal for some time. But I am supose to be reach out to people. I need help. I am not wanting no more of this. It is to much.

Just feelings, any feelings, they are like to much to handle sometime still. Am not use to feeling nothing. Feeling just come back three, four months ago. After 8 years, feeling nothing. Nothing good, nothing bad. Now even to have good dday, it is so much like to overload. The bad felings are even more heavy.

I don't know who I am now. I feel to much dark, to much broken of things. I know there supose to be 'inner child' of us all. I feel mine. He inside, he is screamiing. My heart goes, and it is him pounding, hiting me from inside, wanting out. Wanting safe. What is safe now? I know is our choice, to choose to trust again. I try. But it is hard. Then something will happen, someone will hurt you, and it make you scare to trust again. Even friends can hurt you, will hurt you some days. They just I hope do not mean it, that is part of them being friends.

I fear what it will take of me. They already, they take of me. I fear what now still is being taken. Last night, I did not pray for them. It is first time. I know they do wrong, I know the do bad, but they also still are of God, just as me. Let God understand them. I just still pray for them, for whatever make them the way they are. I did not do that last night. I felt not angry, I think. But tired. Tired because they steal my sleep, take away peace to sleep, come in my dreams, make me feel I am crazy. I take pain medicine and other medicine for my back right now, they make me so tired, but not to sleep. I can not stay asleep without dreams. I am taking depresion medicine, supose to make me tired, it do, but not sleep. I take sleep pill, one, then two. They sometime help me to sleep, but they do not stop dreams, they do not make it so I do not wake up of the dreams and can not go back asleep again.

My mind discovers the lies now. The one man, who was kind, who was gentle, who even say he love me, he lied. Love do not do that. He ruin that word to me. How I am supose to know what love mean, when it mean that? He never hurt me, not like others, he never cause me hurt. Until now. Because now, I know he lie to me. And with him, he could told me the truth. He could told me, this is wrong, this is bad for me doing this. And I probly would still let him. I probly still would been with him as he want. Because he was nice to me. He was only adult there nice to me.

I get angry with someone yesterday. I say he should not talk to me no more. Because he do not listen what I say, but still ask for advice. He keep how he want to think, and make me feel I am stupid. To try help him hurts me. I get upset, bothered, by something friend say last night. But say nothing of it. Why can I not even say what hurts me, when something hurts me? They take my voice also, I guess. I am not angry person. I do not get angry. Do this make it hapen? they will make me what I am not?

There more things. More things happeninng, more things in my head, my dreams, my body, my memoriess. I am tired. Physical. Mental. Tired of this. All this. Just want it to end, want it all to stop, be gone. Sometime I want me to stop and be gone. I am on medicine to make me feel beter. It is not work yet. I am seeing therapist. That work some I guess. But scare. Because sometime, it is very hard to not do things bad. To see these medicines I am on, and to not take them all and just go asleep. But I can not do that. I remember being afraid to die. I won't let them make me afraid to live. Pardon, but that is shit. But I am quite tired to live right now. But I will not fall beyond getting back up.

But how to get up from all this? How get through of worrse time, when fear to trust who you should trust there, when fear to bother people there. I am posting this here. It is hard thing for me to do. Please help.

andrei
 
Andrei,
I don't know how to help you feel better, but I do understand, somedays I get overloaded too. Its almost like I'm crazy. I'm sure someone will have some suggestions, until then know that you did nothing wrong and you are a good person.

Jason
 
Andrei I am here for you. Just call brother.

I am in the office right now.
 
Andrei,
I am sorry you are hurt, I hope you can get some well needed sleep. The hurt will get better, as time passes.

See the good in yourself, you are a good man, and you deserve to have good feelings. We have all been through these same type of feelings, we fall, and we get back up.

You are a survivor with immense courage. Nothing was ever your fault, always remember that.

There is beauty in the World, reach out and feel it, your inner child is safe now, let him know that. You will keep him safe, with no-one to fear.

take care of you,

ste
 
Andrei,
you are starting to feel all accumulated pain. The pain that you hidden from your self.
The pain that is almost impossible to manage and that is very hard to speak about it.
You are now aware of it and that is frightened you.
Be strong because it is going to be very hard. Maybe you are not thinking about it on this way but this is progress. It will ease after some period but not so quickly.
When you would feel that you are overloaded try to speak with someone who would listen to you about it. Try to let emotions go out from you, cry if you can, just let it go out, do not keep it inside anymore.

I hope that you would forgive and not be angry with your friend anymore. We are sometimes terribly selfish to see only our issues and not problems and needs of other people.

Who can you trust, real trust? How?
How terrible questions with our uncertainty and fragility.

For the beginning trust only to yourself.
Are you aware how kind and good person are you? If you were aware of this it would be much harder to be hurt by other people. This helps me always. I know who I am, I trust myself, I forgive myself and I trust to all people because of it.
Maybe word trust is not good.
I should say I believe in people because of it, because I believe in myself.
Believe on yourself Andrei endlessly.

And you should never, never think that you bothered people here. You are too precious to all of us. Please try to remember that, too precious to all of us.

Ivo
 
ANdrei, my dear friend,

Of course you're right. It IS too much, what those bastards did to you, how much they hurt you and lied to you. It isn't fair and it sure as Hell isn't right that they ruined so much for you growing up, even screwing with the idea of love. They're animals, 'Droshka, and they deserve no more consideration than the jackals who feed on teh weak and the dead.

I know, believe me, I KNOW, how overwhelming this gets, my friend. Everyone here does. We live it each an every day. But you ARE a strong man, a compassionate one, certainly better than I am because you strove to forgive them. I wish I HAD that humanity. I don't.

It's okay to hate them, Andrei, but hate THEM. Not yourself, NEVER yourself, because those bastards USED you, EXPLOITED you, it was NEVER, EVER your fault.

Medications? Right now, I think you know, I've started taking some. Paxil (tm) and Seraquel (tm). I hate them. I hate the idea that I have to take them and there's not EVEN and instant fix from them. The nightmares still come on occasion. I get tired. I'm suffering through some other unpleasant side effects that I won't get into right now (but, strangely, these are welcome). I haven't started getting the benefits from them, except that I'm getting more sleep. But they will work. They will work, along with the therapy I'm doing right now. They will work for you, little brother. You just have to keep plugging along.

One other thing: You ever feel that you're at the end of your rope, that you can't make it anymore, then I want you to reach out, like you do here, and call someone. Leshka, Mike, other people. Hell, you can even call me. I don't care if you can't talk. I'll just listen. I want you to hang on, little bro. Just hang on, because things WILL get better. I PROMISE they will.

Please don't take this the wrong way, my friend, but I love you. And I mean that the RIGHT way. With no strings attached whatsoever.

Scot
 
I responded to you in PM. I did want to say here, I am very proud of you for even posting all this here. It shows how strong you truly are. I love you my friend.

leosha
 
Andrei,

Your good brothers speak good words to you. Along with the words come real caring and concern. Kinda like you when you respond to one of us.
That is what is so amazing to me, the brothers here, responding with such care and concern. And I've seen you, too, respond to other brothers with such tenderness and sympathy. Where does that come from? From the brothers, here, and from you?
I mean, that isn't what we got, from those nefarious characters that told us that they loved us. Like it's already been said, all they wanted was our spirits, our very souls, because they had a hunger for something so personal, so precious, so not theirs to take.
And what are we left with? What do we have to do to get it back? How long will we have to work at it?
Some of us feel like empty shells. Some of feel like we are climbing Mt. Everest. Some of feel like it will never end.
But, listen to your brothers, Andrei. Some of them have been there. Some of them know how difficult it is to get through. Some of them know that while it may feel that there is no end in sight, they know that sometimes it is darkest before the dawn, that it is toughest just before the trail improves.
Keep coming back, keep writing your heart out, spill your guts if you have to, your brothers will listen and offer you their hearts in return.
You are so important to those of us who know you.
I wish you better times, sweeter sleep and smoother trails. It does get better, your fear will subside, and as you realize that you are a loving person, and that wasn't taken away from you, you will appreciate how your real friends apreciate and love you.

Peace, strength and courage,

David
 
Andrei,

You have to speak up when you are hurt by someone. Silence is what you had to do in the past. Feelings get hurt, but only when you can talk about it will it lessen the hurt.

You know I am always here for you.

Tvoi druk,

Marc
 
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