Too much and MySpace to Boot!

Too much and MySpace to Boot!
R

Redsongbird

Registrant
Today is one of the worst days in my life. My wife is over at her parents house right now as I type this talking to them about separating. THis is my second marriage and it feels like it has went into freefall. I am going to end up alone once again. I feel panicky. We have talked and talked but to no afail this is the direction it is going. IT all started with MySpace. She met some guy from there and went to meet him and she had sex with him. The last month she has been totally consumed by MySpace and talking to guys all over the place and giving out her cell phone number and talking to them. Yesterday she went to the park to "journal" she said. Today I went to get us lunch and on the floor of the car I see phone numbers written out. When I got home I gently asked "Did you call someone yesterday when you were at the park?" The answer was yes. Even while we were on vaction this past week up north she had what she called "phone sex" with some guy. (I had went to bed)
She is going to leave me. We attend the same college. We will see each other there. I love her. I told her a bout my addiction to porn when she confessed having sex with that guy. I told her we could work through this.
There has been way too much stress over the last five years....Sexually attacked (me) at gun point....moved back to home state....loss of jobs....having to move in with my mother (thats enough stress right there!) having to go on welfare to get by....depression....chaning careers.....memories.....porn addictions.....her acting out.....all of it equals "break/separation time" I have went thorugh this before. When I separated from the first wife we never got back together.

I am 45 years old and feel like a failure. I feel worthless right now. .....(sigh)

Tobey
 
Tobey,

You are not worthless. You have an addiction (I have the same one), but she cheated on you. Even then you were willing to forgive her in order to work things out. I feel for you when I hear how things have not be working out, but I hope that you keep fighting for what you want out of life. Now is the time to draw on the support you have: from friends, family, your T if you have one and this group. You are not worthless.
 
Tobey
I hate to sound hard, but it sounds as though you both have problems that just make your relationship impossible, there's too much going on for both of you.

If she's acting out with phone and online stuff, and actually meeting some guy; and you're being stressed with the changes in your life, and a porn addiction, then sparks are going to fly.

You're not worthless, and you're proving that by posting your feelings about her behaviour here.
She's done things that are unacceptable in most relationships, maybe you have as well?
Whatever has gone on, you're hurting as a result of what has happened, some of that is probably guilt and shame over what you might, or might not, have done.

Your behaviours have some reason / cause to them, porn addiction is something survivors very often have.
The chances are that her behaviours also have some 'issue' behind them, but she seems to accept those behaviours and then expect you to accept them as well.

That's a bad deal Tobey, remember that the most important person in your life is YOU.

Take care
Dave
 
Tobey,

You're not responsible for her failing to address her issues. You're working on yourself and the stuff, the "baggage" that you have.

She sounds very, very confused about marriage and commitment. You won't be able to reason with her, so save your breath. Keep your focus on yourself and what you can do for yourself.

Do you have any kids with her? If you do, are you able to provide some sense of stabilty for them?

Keep taking care of yourself or you'll see things get a lot worse. It's not easy or fun, but it's the best course with an unfaithful spouse.

Be good to yourself,

Joe
 
Tobey,

You are not worthless nor ever alone. You got us. Your support group. I know that we are physically there with you, but we are always here. The 3000 plus survivors.

Take Care, You are worth it.
 
Thanks for the posts. We moved in with my mother when she could not live alone any longer due to be 80 years old. We were only going to be here another 18 months while going to college. Now, I am here for who knows what. Today my wife left. She spent last nite here. Tonite I told her she needed to go because it was too hard to sit here and watch her talk wkto men online. She will be coming back tomorrow and saturday to get more things..and it might take a while to get everything moved but tonite is a biggy. Tonite she is gone. In the basement appartment where I now live I am alone. I feel so alone. I feel scared. Stupid huh? A 45 year old man who is feeling scared and alone in the very house he grew up in. Sleeping in the very room I slept in when I was in school from the age of 12 on up. I feel abandoned. This is my second marriage over and gone! Shit shit shit shit shit!!!!!!!!!
And today she was talking of thinking seriously about having sex with one of her male nursing classmates! What am I sewage? On her blog at MySpace she makes me sound so....so.....awful. Like I sucked the strength out of her. And am I the only man who has ever went limp during sex? By the way SHE talks I must be!!!! shit shit shit

I have thearpy on Thursday I might just go in the office and curl up in the corner. Thinking about that I might just do that now. DAM! when did I become so needy!?!?!?

I am going to bed and hopefully this day will be over soon.

Tobey
 
Tobey,
You are not alone. We are all here for you man. Sounds like the situation sucks right now but it will get better. If your wife cannot or will not be faithful to you, then maybe she was not the right person. You deserve better. Believe that.
 
Thanks lacansletter for your post.

TRIGGER:

I was wrong I guess every nite is going to be difficult.

I hate this...I hate me

I hate the fucking idiots who fucked me at gun point and ruined my life

used me till they were done and now i am unworthy of love...

used me till their cocks were empty...
filling me with distrust...
and brokeness

my wife and I are going to continue to be friends but thats it.....

I will be lonely for the rest of my life

what i wouldn't give right now for someone to hold me......

being needy again....

i guess I am destined to see other be happy....

have a normal life....family...kids.....

but me? nooooooooo just one crisis after another....

I know this sounds bad I am just at a low point right now....


tobey
 
maybe i am looking for love in the wrong gender

maybe it is men who get me

maybe i have been fucked so many times that it is my nature...

fucked as a kid...

used for porn....

many many m..a..n..y men then too when 6 & 7 my own father took me there.....

step father abused me too

a high school friend....fucked (male)

i think the total is waaaaaay above fourteen .........

i was in love with hs friend....parents made me separate from him...

don;'t know where he is now....

been married to two women...

trying to do the right thing

trying to be a good husband

try to make them feel important'

first wife the childhood abuse came up...
she left with her girlfriend...

now my second wife ....assualt..since the attack you are different.....no shit

so see been looking for love in the wrong place...

i will not get married again...ever

never never never never.....

so tired...

so confused....

so worn out ....

tobey
 
Tobey,

Sorry I have come to this thread late, my friend. I was bouncing around for the past few days.

I think the thing you most urgently need to think about is that when we are really low, that is the worst time to be analyzing our lives and future prospects. The results will always be dire, since all the input at that moment is so grim. That won't stop us from analyzing - I guess we are hard-wired for this sort of thing. But it's useful to realize what we are doing.

The same with your sexuality. That might be something you want to look at, I don't know. But now isn't the time. You need your emotional resources to deal with the present crisis.

Do you have anything you can distract yourself with from time to time: friends to communicate with, things you like to do with others, something fun that you have been postponing? Just try to avoid things that normally you would have done with your wife.

You are not worthless or stupid; you are reacting to some very heavy emotional troubles. It's really quite cruel of your wife to post comments about you on her blog, and even more so to engage in these flings and flaunt them in front of you. There's a lot of anger and bitterness in play there. You are being disrespected big-time, and you have every right to react to this.

Much love,
Larry
 
Tobey I hope you are feeling better about yourself, I know things have been crazy for us both the last several years.

Sorry buddy that you are where you are, but change will happen and at some point you will be in a different place.

For now Hugs and find some positive things in your life, one is all the suport you get here.

mike
 
Thanks Larry and Mike for you post. I am trying to not anaylize my life too much but it is difficult. I have been packing things up and she had been coming to get them. I started my college classes this week and I don't even care about them....I go because it gives me something to do and I need the financial money to live on now. If you miss a clas during the first three weeks then you don't get the money till later. I am not working - can't find a job for over a year now - so I really need this money. Last nite was the first time I came out of a nite class (near tenpm) and she was not there to pick me up or meet me at the car. I Cried the entire way home. I came home and went to bed and cried all nite. I feel so hollow.....I go to therapy tomorrow thanks god because I am a mess. I am taking wellbutrin but I don't think it has kicked in yet.......

I did change the bedroom around to make it more "mine" now....and I did go and meet with a couple of freinds who are teaching still for a short time. I just feel so lost and confused. The plans were I Was going to go full-time to college and get this Social Work degee. .....now I am not sure what is going to happen.

The other day I kid you not I look at airplane ticket prices and almost got one and just took off somewhere...anywhere.....to just get away...but I figure I would feel the same no matter where I am.

Tobey
 
It's a bummer sometimes ain't it? I know exactly how you feel, been there. I remember crying out to God from way inside....... I'm praying for you man, that you experience strength that is not your own. From the creator of all things. D
 
Thanks Dewey for your prayers. I need strength so bad right now. I am doing better during the days but at nite I feel so out of balance..nothing seems right anymore. I just wish I culd go back to the start of all my abuse and do SOMETHING to have stopped it so I would be a different person today....maybe I would of had a better life.....more noral at least. TIme to go curl up again.

Tobey
 
Tobey,

I'm really sorry for how hard all this is been.

Not sure that this input is wished for: But...

You are maybe looking for love for fear of being alone with yourself. You need first to love yourself, to know that you do NOT deserve to be treated so much as shit. You are NOT a failure or worthless at all. YOU are a precious, wonderfully strong man. You deserve better, of yourself, and from whoever else is going to be a part of your life.

PLEASE, keep coming back here, and keep hearing the words of the good men here who know your heart and understand you so much. Please do get some help, and know that you are valued and appreciated here.

Leosha
 
Tobey,

I'm so sorry all these troubles are continuing for you. But please, if you can, resist the temptation to look back and think that if you hadn't been abused everything would have been better and more normal. None of us have any idea what our lives would have been like if the slightest change in them had occurred.

Also, when you do this you are in a way taking responsibility, as if you should have coped with the abuse better or done this or that other thing. What's more important now is trying to ensure you have the emotional resources you need for your studies and for adapting to the new situation.

I hope you will stick with us here and talk about things as you feel able. It does help.

Much love,
Larry
 
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