too afraid to live, too proud to die

[Broken]

I dont know if im going to be able to get up this time. Been sleeping from dawn to dusk. I feel weak, i feel like i am going to waste away in my room.

I am afraid of my rage. I am afraid it is going to kill me from the inside out. There is so much pain inside, so much anger, it is so intense that i feel like if i felt it i would be consumed by it. I was always afraid that one day, in school, i would snap and just start killing people, like you hear about on the news. I was always afraid that one day, somebody would throw the last stone, and i would just start ripping them apart with my bear hands. If there is enough adreniline in your system, you could rip somebody in half.

Instead of killing someone else, i kill myself a little more everyday. I am watching my life slip away. My anger collapses in on itself, it feels so futile. I don't feel like anything i do makes any difference, i cant change anything. I dont know if anybody in the world understands how deep the pain goes, how primal the rage is. It feels like the universe itself is screaming. It makes me feel like a bug. And so many times, i bore the brunt of the storm to shelter the world from it. Its the kind of force that alters history, topples nations and builds empires. My pain isnt any less than anyone elses, but i followed it farther down inside than most can even imagine.

Im cold. It is like when i went to school, and felt cold all day, even when it got warm and i was wearing a sweatshirt, i felt like i was cold inside. I'm freezing, but it is warm inside my room. I dont want to rot away. I want to live, but i dont feel strong enough. I cant stop, but someday i am going to run out of tommorows, and if i cant find the strength, all i will have to look back on is how each day i wished the next would be the day i started living.

 

[Cement]

Can I ask, are you taking meds regularly? Or drugs, prescription or otherwise? some of this stuff sounds genuinely medical, and maybe you can get a consult for med correction? Are you eating? remeber, as much as it feels good to ease the pain, it always comes back and bites us on the ass. Take care, I am thinking of you and I know things will get better.

 

[New to this]

Broken,
You express so well the feeling of being abused. You have summed up that numb feeling I had during my abuse.

I moved on from that point--I lived with my abuse, but not it in.

I could not stop my abuse anymore that you could stop yours. I could and did move on.

We all love and support you, but we can't move you. Move yourself. Leave the abuse and start to deal with it. Start to live. Start by loving yourself.

 

[Harry]

God it's a scary feeling:
"I am afraid of my rage. I am afraid it is going to kill me from the inside out. There is so much pain inside, so much anger, it is so intense that i feel like if i felt it i would be consumed by it."
I don't know if it's getting harder to hide my rage or easier. I'm so used to it now, but it is still slowly destroying me, and there is only more rage being added into me. No rage escapes. It's much too dangerous to allow any of it to escape. Best to keep it inside. Safer, for others anyways.

I used to say to myself, "John, you need some kind of release," but I've come to the realization that there is no possible way to release my deepest primal rage in a way that wouldn't hurt anyone. I also fear that even if I let out a little tiny bit of lesser rage, that I might lose control in the euphoria of freedom, and release the primal shit inside me as well.

"i kill myself a little more everyday. I am watching my life slip away. My anger collapses in on itself, it feels so futile. I don't feel like anything i do makes any difference, i cant change anything."
I feel my existence is completely void of meaning. My actions accomplish nothing. All I am good for is pitying. Hopelessness, my brother of pain, will never leave me.

I do allow myself one release now that I think about it. I write in this book that I have. The night before last I wrote a suicide note in it. It felt good to aknowledge the reasons I wanted to give up by putting them on paper. Lots of apologies, lots of twisted rationalizations, lots of despair. I know you might be worried now but let me assure you, I did not kill myself.
Writing is my one and only release. Can writing a suicide note be considered theraputic? Who knows? I just wanted to let you know that I am here and I feel your desperation. In my suicide note I apologized to everyone who cared about me for not making it apparent enough that I was this desperate, and that I never gave enough hints that I had become this drastic. Heh, wouldn't want anyone blaming themselves just cause I'm a failure of humanity.
.....

I think it would be pretencious and hypocritical of me to try to give you advice, but it makes my post seem less like a tyrade of self-pity and loathing, so here it is:
Eat food.
Jesus is that the best advice I can give? I even stole that from Cement's post. Ok, here's something original:
As hard as it may seem to do this, treat yourself to enjoyment. Go buy a new cd that you've wanted for a while, listen to it, and sing along really loudly. Go to the beach and ride the waves (or just get thrown around by them). Go get your favorite ice cream and rent a movie that you've wanted to see and throw yourself a quiet little one-man party. You deserve it.

Peace be in you, buddy.

- John_

 

[SoCalJohn]

[john] hugs kevin

[john] hugs john_

helplessness is seeing your combined pain and knowing there is nothing i can do that will make much of a difference to either of you, knowing that its up to you to find some thing or some reason that makes it worth it to hang in there and keep going at it.

I hope you know i care. I wish i had something more than a stupid cyber hug to give you right now....

John

 

[abcd]

It's tough bud, I know--especially as someone our age. Sometimes, I too feel like I'm moving in circles, but if I look back on it all...I have actually moved quite a bit, and I think so have you. The fact that you are here bud, posting as you do...says a lot in itself. I've been through where you are, and perhaps am even hitting it now, but never give up.

Two things that help...One thing that helps me is to get off my ass and do something (LOL)... More helpful than others is to volunteer at something (say a hospital, a shelter, whatever--the applications are fairly mindless and they can even open job opportunities later...a hospital for instance usually has a volunteer office that you can find out about just by asking the info desk or calling their main number). I know it sounds bad, but it helps to see the plight of others to keep things in perspective sometimes. Trust me, we have it bad, but there are others like us that have been abused AND homeless AND physically sick without any way to vent their frustrations about abuse as we can say on the internet. More importantly, you are helping others, and I truly do feel, that that also helps you heal.

Another thing that helps me is to well...talk. Not to be preachy, but talk to God--whomever you think He/She is. Just talk right now about your feelings, frustrations, and where you wish you could be (it sounds silly, yeah, and I know my friends would laugh at me if they saw me, but it helps). More important, I know He listens.

 

[Lloydy]

abcd & Broken
Volunteering is a great release, and an even better way to get back into living, and meeting other people.

I volunteer at the therapy charity that helped me.
I answer the phone, the door and make coffee.
It helps others in just a tiny way, but I wouldn't change a thing.

Lloydy

 

[Zoot]

I am so shocked. I have been reading what you guys have typed and I can't stop crying. my heart breaks for all of us. I always thought it was because I was some sort of freak and would never be a human being.So many things you write are part of my everyday life and I never related them to what happened to me. I have been in "therapy for four and a half years and I never heard any of this or got any help. i don't know what else to say for now . Thank you for listening.

 

[Wuamei]

Zoot:

While I know its painful, I'm glad you're finding help here.

I think this is an affirmation of what Lloydy & others said on the thread about the radio media saying online support can do more harm than good and live therapy is better. In a word, bullshit!

I'm not knocking therapy or therapists, including yours. The right ones can be very helpful.

But I saw a T fairly regularly (off & on) for about 4-5 years, and nothing about my abuse ever came out. I consider him a good T who helped with lots of other stuff.

I saw my current T over a year before a session with him, talking about my sex addiciton, triggered my flashbacks. And even that was after I found an online forum where I talked to some people & read some stuff, including things about sexual abuse.

Online support has done so much to help me see how my past affects me in the present and what I can do about it in the future. I'm glad to see it helping you & so many others too.

Yes, what we've been thru & what its done to us is horrible. But that we can find support, healing & growth in a place like this one is great! I'm glad we're all here.

Take care Zoot & all

Wuame

 

[Lloydy]

Zoot
stay with us friend, it's a rough ride but not an impossible one.

You're certainly no freak, you've just been missled by those that abused you.
You can overcome that.

Be strong Zoot
Lloydy

 

[Zoot]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply; it had made my day in a way I can't explain. Such a strange reaction in me - almost a sense of worth or value or something ?? I had quite a strange day; many rushes of powerful emotions,tears, fear etc. but also a lot of insights and forgotten memories. But most of all, I felt a warmth (?) of not being so alone. Whatever happened last night, it opened something in me that's scary but more real. Thank you, guys. This is my final week here in the US and it's comforting to know that I can keep contact with you all from the other side of the pond. Now I have hope. Slan libh.

 

[Lloydy]

Keep in touch Zoot, I have friends and relations in Ireland - I'll send the boys round if you don't

Lloydy

 

[Zoot]

Thanks for the smile Lloyd; I had two pints of Guinness and a feed of Shepherd's Pie in New haven tonight (my first spuds in 6 weeks) so I'm going to have an 'early' night. I hope I will be able to log in from home. Be kind to yourselves, you guys. And thanks for giving me hope.

 

[rolling_is_life]

Hey everyone, im new...and for the first guy with how he felt about feeling like he could just go out and rip someone apart..i know how he feels totaly. I may be a messed up kid inside..but one thing that has served me well about abuse is that every fight ive ever gotten in the other person has been pumled because they got YEARS AND YEARS of feeling how that guy felt. So im just sayin that I know how u feel man. And also..if anyone wants to talk..i was kinda hoping to talk to someone..
-keith