Tonight I may share this site-Very Important Questions

Tonight I may share this site-Very Important Questions
B

Brokenhearted

Registrant
Hi everyone,

Ok. I think it is about time....to at least let him know this site exists. His inner pain is becoming more and more evident to me, almost a hopeless kind of pain. Yesterday he said, "Maybe I'm just dying. That's just how it is....you are born and then you die."

This morning he said again that we don't even know each other. It goes along with the thing that as these things come to the surface, he has to almost reinvent himself or figure out who he was before csa happened (and still is that person), and so that is why he feels we no longer know each other, which is partly true. But I have loved him for more than a decade and surely *some* of the authentic him was present during all that time.

Anyway, I think he needs to know he's not ALONE. I can sense his pain is almost oppressive now. He needs the hope that knowing he's not alone will give him. Actually I think that TONIGHT may be the night (if he gets home from work early enough). I thought about printing some of these posts out and handing them to him, letting him know he's not alone (how should I word this??????) and have the link on the paper that he can go to (malesurvivor.com)

I have some concerns about referring him this site. Number 1, I am wondering if I even need to edit my posts. If so, how do I do it, because I think I tried it earlier and it didn't save the changes.

Number 2, is this when I will sit down w/ him and sort of pitch my case about he needs to talk to someone if we're to move forward, etc., or merely the time to just let him know this internet support is there? If I don't say the bit about seeing a T now, will there be an opportunity later? I don't want to be too forward too soon, but I don't want to be like a dripping faucet either, letting little bits come out along the way, as in nagging. Do I make any sense? How should I word this, again. It is such a delicate dance.

Please let me know your feelings on this issue. I value your opinions as survivors.

Thanks so much,
 
i would ask him if he would like to have some friends who know how it feels ,he could come here and never have to post a thing just read ,and he will see that here there are friends ,also i hope he is aware of what a gift he has been given ,by having you to care about him ,in that way he is so much luckier than a lot of us.adam
 
Brokenhearted

First, it's malsurvivor.org, not .com ;) You wouldn't want him stumbling around somewhere else.

Second, he may or may not respond to your suggestion that he come to this site. I told my b/f about it many months ago, but he won't come. I think part of it is that he's just not ready to deal with other people's pain. I could be wrong, but that's what I think. Regardless, he knows I come here and he's finally gotten off my back about it. In the beginning, he was upset and even angry because he said that I shouldn't know about this stuff. He said he didn't want his world to invade mine. Silly, I know, since what affects him affects me. We've gotten past that I think and I mention this site occasionally just to gage his reaction, but he's not ready yet.

I tell you this just so that you aren't disappointed if his reaction is not to jump onto the computer right away. This pain has been his and his alone for many years and it's difficult to share.

ROCK ON......Trish
 
Brokenhearted,

To edit your posts, click on the symbol of the pen on the paper at the top of the post you want to alter; that will bring up your original post and you can change whatever you want.

I think telling him about this site would be a good idea, and perhaps print out some posts that you think would help him. Just remember that what helps you might not help him at all, or could even do him harm. For example, if you have read a post that describes a situation exactly like his, that might seem wonderful to you because it helps you to understand. But reading that same post might make him feel totally invaded and exposed. What he needs are posts that stress that he isn't alone, that he would be safe here, and that people here would not judge or reject him.

Trish as usual is so right. He may not respond quickly, or at all. It's a huge step to come to a site like this, and that first post is one that really gets the crazymaker going full-speed.

Much love,
Larry
 
Gotcha.

I agree - the posts I would like to share are not the stories or anything that says what physically happened; I realize they could cause some uncomfortable triggers. I was thinking to share some I have cut and pasted to a document, that merely outline the inner pain one is feeling - able to accept that others may be angry toward him or even like him if he does good things for them, but unable to accept love; just so he might go, "Wow, that is me I'm reading about..." then other posts just going back and forth just illustrating the incredible support network this is. Some of them do mention the words "childhood sexual abuse" however. If you think I shouldn't keep that in there I will take it out - but it might need to stay there so he will be alerted to the cause of his problems today.

I just emailed a quote to him. No subject line. Just one quote of several I found here (including yours roadrunner about sacred places) that I have collected. I thought I'd just send one today. Maybe another another day. Very small pieces. The one I sent today is : "I must destroy my demons before my angels fly once again." Just to let him know I am thinking of him and maybe he'll slowly gather that I DO understand some of what he is going through. I didn't say where the quote is from, of course.

I prob. won't say much about seeing a T and all that yet. Prob. will just hand him some posts and say something like, "Just so you know you are not alone." and leave it. Maybe he won't read them. But I have to think it could be a small crack of the door.

I almost think he is making progress just by realizing "something" is wrong and that it's him, not me or our marriage. Just by him saying I don't know him, could mean that he is realizing he doesn't know himself, almost as if he were already in counseling without me knowing it, but maybe it's more of just a vague awareness of his own internal feelings.

Don't you think the first step is realizing there's a problem? And then, probably realizing the CSA is the problem? And then.....deciding if he wants to change it, or what to do about it or not?
 
i'm sure he knows there is a problem ,and most likely knows its the abuse ,being able to admit it to yourself is one thing being able to look in someones eyes knowing they know is a whole different thing. its all about trust ,the first thing that the abuse takes away and the last thing that healing brings back , most survivors i know have trust problems that go so deep they even include things like trusting youself to make a decision ,very basic things can seem dangerous . good luck and its cool that you care enough to be here looking for ways to help him
 
Brokenhearted,

I'd like to just add a big "Isn't that the truth" to what Shadow has said about trust. It's absolutely huge, and so huge that even the survivor himself may not be able to see it, or to admit it once he does see it. EVERYTHING seems dangerous and harm seems possible from any direction.

But the biggest problem is that at first you don't even trust yourself! Or rather, you ESPECIALLY don't trust yourself. And why should you, if as a boy you were learning that everything was your own fault, or if you can't find any reasons why this was happening except that it was your own fault?

In adulthood this trust problem continues because one of the first things we have to learn and accept is that our feelings about ourselves are largely wrong. Those feelings are so negative that in a way that's good news. But as we jettison the bad feelings we find that we still don't have the resources to rebuild our lives, or to discover what's already there inside us that's worth admiring and keeping. So the result is that for a long time you work and work and find that as a result you are just as confused and fearful; it's just that you are confused and fearful about different things.

Just some further thoughts.

Much love,
Larry
 
Wow, I think I can almost get inside this.

Gosh, I feel like that part in the movie "What Dreams May Come" - where Robin Williams has to go to hell himself to retrieve his depressed wife who had killed herself and was there. It is very physical, where he descends down into the deepest abyss and finally finds her face among thousands of others, embedded in the bottom and surrounded by muck and darkness , and he reaches down into it and pulls her up out of it.

I don't want to do any harm to him like make him feel panicky or unsafe. So I want to choose what I say very carefully. I don't want to be intimidating to him. I want to learn all I can first.

Some things I'm going to be sure he hears from me are that the shame/guilt was never his, none of it was his fault, I'm staying with him through this, he is not alone and there is help and healing. I'm having some doubts now as to whether I'll talk w/ him tonight or not - feeling maybe I need to brush up on my approach better. Want to be very gentle, safe, etc. At the same time I want to do it ASAP because I know his feelings about himself are near hopeless.

Roadrunner you mentioned the Crazymaker coming on full speed if he starts reading this site; is it mainly in the early stages of healing that that occurs? In other words, it calms down after a bit, doesn't it? I know there are ups and downs the whole way, but I'm just hoping to get a glimpse of the way it might be. Isn't there some *relief* also at first, starting to put the puzzle together and realizing the reasons he feels this way? THen do the memories start coming more and more, until there might be stuff he didn't remember till now, causing more panic?


And Adam you wrote: "i hope he is aware of what a gift he has been given ,by having you to care about him ,in that way he is so much luckier than a lot of us."

Adam, thanks, and I hope he realizes how much I care. The trouble is he probably doesn't really see it that much. It's hard for him to believe since he has such awful feelings inside. Just like he is probably largely unaware of the pain the situation is causing me. He can't see out of his own pain right now. I'm just trying to be his friend - he has said we are Friends so at least I've got that going for me,and I believe he trusts me or can learn to more once he sees I'm not going to leave him, don't judge, am gentle about this,etc.
 
Hi Brokenhearted,
I told my husband about this site about 9 months ago and he has still not come here yet (at least that I know of) When my husband first told me that he was abused he could not even look at me because he felt so embarassed and ashamed. Everytime I bring up the subject I see such pain, guilt, shame, and low self estemm in his face. I suspect that bringing up this subject will cause many of the same feelings in your husband. He will probably feel threatened and not want to confront the situation. However, I do feel that you need to talk to your husband. Even though he may not want to hear some of things you have to say....I believe it is your duty to inform him of the reasources that you have found. But that is all you can do. You can't make him do anything...you can't nag and think it will help. Once you have given him this gift...it is up to him to open it. I think it is also important to try and talk about what is going on with what you husband is feeling. Even though he might not want to tell you much what he does tell you can be very valuable. But once again what he tells you can be very painful. My husband told me that he feels ashamed when he is arround me. He told me that whenever he starts to get intimate with me he feels like he is having an anxiety attack. Of course these are not pleasant things to be told....they made me sad. But once I found out why he does these things...like not want to hold my hand or kiss......it made me understand him better and what he is going through better.
Last week he brought up the subject of his abuse twice without me bringing it up first....which I see as progress. Hang in there.
Also I would suggest that he go to the other parts of this website and not the family and friends forum.. I personally would not want my husband in this forum because I need to vent. I know he would feel bad about some of the things I have written and I need a place I can go without having to censor my posts/
Good luck
 
Thanks for the advice and encouragement. I still have not been able to approach him - last night he got home about 10:30. I really need to have the right opportunity and time. But I can't wait to tell him there are thousands of other men that seem to be going through the same things he's going through and give him this link.

Weepywife, it is progress, I am sure, if he is bringing up the abuse subject. Even though it is taking a long time - I almost feel it doesn't matter now long it takes for him to begin to heal, as long as it happens some day. But I know it will be a hard wait.

IT is amazing how, after being married this long, it is only NOW that I feel I finally understand him. We are peaceful together at last because I'm not frustrated from not understanding him, and I think he senses this. I know it won't always be this way, but I sense a peace w/ us that we've never had before. I am merely being there for him as a friend, giving him a hug now and then, not expecting much back, not approaching him sexually, just totally understanding of him. It is such a relief to finally know my husband, but of course there is sadness too that he feels the way he does and I wish I could take that away, but maybe with lots of time....

I feel so tender toward the little boy inside him.
 
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