Told my story for first time--possible triggers
greyhound999
Registrant
I had a bad day. A bad week. I basically have MS and my therapist, which is ok but I think I needed another outlet that was close to me. My body and mind told me that tonight.
I finally mustered up the courage to tell my husband about all the CSA and sexual abuse I have endured. All the humiliation, fear, pain, disgust, and other emotions I have feeling. And I tried to explain the concept of the body keeping the score thing. He was very understanding. I hope he did anyway. I felt sick telling him about it. Maybe I shouldn't have--but I felt relieved afterwards and my body was telling me I needed to.
I feel really sad tonight. Sad my family is so fucked up. Sad what they did to me--three so far I know of. Sad that what they did to me fucked up my future. Sad what those others who weren't family who assaulted and raped me at 15 and 21 took even more innocence from me and made me more confused and made me stuff down my anger.
Somebody told me about PTSD and me. I haven't focused a lot on it--I'm sure I probably have it. I haven't studied it or talked to my therapist about it yet, at this point the memories are coming so fast we are just trying to work through them. Frankly, I have so much shit going on, I can only handle so much. Judge me or not, it's where I'm at. I don't need others telling me I'm doing something wrong when I'm doing the best I can.
I am hoping that the memories slow down, but as I was telling hubs I am afraid they won't as I already have tidbits of things and even talking I had things start to show. I am just afraid can I handle so much more shit come up? JFC, how much more? I have a fear of what is coming, and I also fear it's just the tip of the iceberg.
Was I just the whore for everybody? Available for everybody to beat up and take advantage of whenever they feel like it, or was I just that dumb over, and over, and over,and over? Or both?
Anyway, enough. Rant over. And no videos so you can not worry that I'm a drama queen to open my post either.
I finally mustered up the courage to tell my husband about all the CSA and sexual abuse I have endured. All the humiliation, fear, pain, disgust, and other emotions I have feeling. And I tried to explain the concept of the body keeping the score thing. He was very understanding. I hope he did anyway. I felt sick telling him about it. Maybe I shouldn't have--but I felt relieved afterwards and my body was telling me I needed to.
I feel really sad tonight. Sad my family is so fucked up. Sad what they did to me--three so far I know of. Sad that what they did to me fucked up my future. Sad what those others who weren't family who assaulted and raped me at 15 and 21 took even more innocence from me and made me more confused and made me stuff down my anger.
Somebody told me about PTSD and me. I haven't focused a lot on it--I'm sure I probably have it. I haven't studied it or talked to my therapist about it yet, at this point the memories are coming so fast we are just trying to work through them. Frankly, I have so much shit going on, I can only handle so much. Judge me or not, it's where I'm at. I don't need others telling me I'm doing something wrong when I'm doing the best I can.
I am hoping that the memories slow down, but as I was telling hubs I am afraid they won't as I already have tidbits of things and even talking I had things start to show. I am just afraid can I handle so much more shit come up? JFC, how much more? I have a fear of what is coming, and I also fear it's just the tip of the iceberg.
Was I just the whore for everybody? Available for everybody to beat up and take advantage of whenever they feel like it, or was I just that dumb over, and over, and over,and over? Or both?
Anyway, enough. Rant over. And no videos so you can not worry that I'm a drama queen to open my post either.