Told my story for first time--possible triggers

I had a bad day. A bad week. I basically have MS and my therapist, which is ok but I think I needed another outlet that was close to me. My body and mind told me that tonight.

I finally mustered up the courage to tell my husband about all the CSA and sexual abuse I have endured. All the humiliation, fear, pain, disgust, and other emotions I have feeling. And I tried to explain the concept of the body keeping the score thing. He was very understanding. I hope he did anyway. I felt sick telling him about it. Maybe I shouldn't have--but I felt relieved afterwards and my body was telling me I needed to.

I feel really sad tonight. Sad my family is so fucked up. Sad what they did to me--three so far I know of. Sad that what they did to me fucked up my future. Sad what those others who weren't family who assaulted and raped me at 15 and 21 took even more innocence from me and made me more confused and made me stuff down my anger.

Somebody told me about PTSD and me. I haven't focused a lot on it--I'm sure I probably have it. I haven't studied it or talked to my therapist about it yet, at this point the memories are coming so fast we are just trying to work through them. Frankly, I have so much shit going on, I can only handle so much. Judge me or not, it's where I'm at. I don't need others telling me I'm doing something wrong when I'm doing the best I can.

I am hoping that the memories slow down, but as I was telling hubs I am afraid they won't as I already have tidbits of things and even talking I had things start to show. I am just afraid can I handle so much more shit come up? JFC, how much more? I have a fear of what is coming, and I also fear it's just the tip of the iceberg.

Was I just the whore for everybody? Available for everybody to beat up and take advantage of whenever they feel like it, or was I just that dumb over, and over, and over,and over? Or both?

Anyway, enough. Rant over. And no videos so you can not worry that I'm a drama queen to open my post either.
 

Healing light

Registrant
I had a bad day. A bad week. I basically have MS and my therapist, which is ok but I think I needed another outlet that was close to me. My body and mind told me that tonight.

I finally mustered up the courage to tell my husband about all the CSA and sexual abuse I have endured. All the humiliation, fear, pain, disgust, and other emotions I have feeling. And I tried to explain the concept of the body keeping the score thing. He was very understanding. I hope he did anyway. I felt sick telling him about it. Maybe I shouldn't have--but I felt relieved afterwards and my body was telling me I needed to.

I feel really sad tonight. Sad my family is so fucked up. Sad what they did to me--three so far I know of. Sad that what they did to me fucked up my future. Sad what those others who weren't family who assaulted and raped me at 15 and 21 took even more innocence from me and made me more confused and made me stuff down my anger.

Somebody told me about PTSD and me. I haven't focused a lot on it--I'm sure I probably have it. I haven't studied it or talked to my therapist about it yet, at this point the memories are coming so fast we are just trying to work through them. Frankly, I have so much shit going on, I can only handle so much. Judge me or not, it's where I'm at. I don't need others telling me I'm doing something wrong when I'm doing the best I can.

I am hoping that the memories slow down, but as I was telling hubs I am afraid they won't as I already have tidbits of things and even talking I had things start to show. I am just afraid can I handle so much more shit come up? JFC, how much more? I have a fear of what is coming, and I also fear it's just the tip of the iceberg.

Was I just the whore for everybody? Available for everybody to beat up and take advantage of whenever they feel like it, or was I just that dumb over, and over, and over,and over? Or both?

Anyway, enough. Rant over. And no videos so you can not worry that I'm a drama queen to open my post either.
GH

That was a massively huge thing to do , telling your husband , I hope that he is able to support some in your journey healing

I have asked the questions you finnished you post with myself but it wasn't our fault but there's , all there fault I'm sorry for what you faced and face

Wishing you in your healing HL
 
Dear Grey,

So, very sorry have had such a hard time today and this week. As I often tell people if there was a button could like flip and make that not be. That would be the fastest button pushed the history of mankind, sadly I just don’t have that.

Talking to your partner about the CSA was a wise and very brave thing to do, I know that he is your husband but this act always caries vulnerability, and with the wrong people can lead to unfair judgments. I seriously doubt that will be the case with you partner, you had to choose to be with him for some reason and I am betting they are good ones.

As far as your family goes grey there is no easy way to approach that any way you come at it, they are seriously messed up. This must be particularly bad because these are the people that should be loving us and protecting us, certainly not doing these kinds of terrible things. You were betrayed by these people right off the bat and from my perspective horrific anyone would do that to their own.

What you were 15 and 21 are equally egregious and that another human being would do that to another is beyond my comprehension. My mind can’t accept any possible reason someone would act in such a manner other than they are just evil assholes. A price is tallied up when people do this kind of stuff to you, it damages us, sticks with us, and demands that we still pay for it as if we have done the wrong. It is not always going to be this way and your life if not [email protected] as you so aptly put it. One day, you will have collected all the tools you need and gotten the right support, as are you’re doing here now. When that day arrives, you will begin go pull away from this stuff, and then at another point you will motor on down the road from it. Can I promise you it will all go away completely, sadly I can’t do that for anyone here? Move past it and feel better though you will, and you will discover your life is not [email protected] at all.

The last thing would be the memories and that is impossible to predict without knowing exactly everything you went through. There is a reason these memories are surfacing now; it is like unpacking a suitcase from your mind. Your mind puts in that suitcase to begin with to protect you. I hope there is not anymore, and the darn things stop coming out people should not have to live with that. This is not a phenomenon I have ever experienced; I think I remember most if not all of mine, don’t know why my brain did not defend itself like as so many peoples seem to? I have read a lot about repressed memory and understand what the literature says. But understanding a book and living something are two mutually exclusive concepts to me.

You Take Care grey (You Will See Better Days)
Jrpereky010101
 
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That was a very courageous thing to do Grey AND it was vitally important to allow your partner to share your healing journey. I expect he married you because he loves you. I know how disappointed my former wife has been that I didn't give her an opportunity to support me as I unpacked the terror of the past. But I couldn't tell the truth as you've done. My former wife is still a dear friend and supporter, but our marriage didn't survive my not telling the truth.

That said, please remember this is a marathon and not a hundred yard dash. If the material you're encountering feels overwhelming you may wish to slow the process down a bit... ask your therapist for guidance in self-care. It might be good for you to limit your reading on MS, especially material that can be triggering. I don't know if you have anything in your life that calms you down but it would be good to engage in such things. For me it can involve taking a walk in nature, taking a few photos to process and share online with photographer friends. Some people find comfort in music. I do. Some find it in reading.

Please be gentle with yourself. Eat well, get plenty of rest and move your body. Take exquisite care of yourself... that is an antidote to all the painful material you're addressing at the moment. You're worth it.
 

tony passey

Registrant
Hi greyhound 999. All power to you. I hope you keep that power.and nurture it . I’ve had a bad week to made a LOT worse yesterday from having to report a clear abuser abusing this sight for his needs.So I led him up the garden path as we say here so he’d say something in print and he said loads so I reported him for obvious criminality etc. I not sure what happens after you report someone but I hope he’s been identified and arrested. Cheered me up no end. When I got to the point of aeroplaning round house like Superman thinking I the worlds greatest peado catcher I calmed down lol
I wish your health well and strength to your testimonial release. And don’t worry if anyone was a drama queen yesterday it was me because of above
Blessings
 
Thank you everyone for your support. Today has been better with more sleep, some social distancing with a friend, and dinner from an old place we hadn't had for a very long time (and not on MS all day--or on online all day either). I think taking some time or limiting my screen time might be good as @Visitor said might be good and definitely get enough sleep as I am in a sleep deficit. So working on that. But again thank you for all the kind words and support, I really appreciate them and need them now.
 
Hi TP--

I am doing a bit better. T has helped with more sleep and trying to eat better. I appreciate you checking in on me. I hope you are doing good too.

GH
 

JDylah_da_Kylah

Registrant
Hey friend,

I also just have to jump on the bandwagon and say that I'm so proud of you for telling your husband. He does love you and care about you and frankly I'm almost willing to bet that having you tell him was a relief for him, too. I think a lot of the people we're closest too have an inkling, even if they don't know the details before we share them.

I'm also a fan of asking your therapist for help "slowing down" as well, especially if it's feeling overwhelming. There's something to be said for getting all the cards on the table, but since you've been through a lot lately, it's probably also worth knowing that you can tap on the brakes, too--and your therapist should be able to help offer some guidance.

And-and . . . taking a break from here (or limiting what you read here) may be good as well. You only have so many spoons, to borrow a popular analogy. There's only so much water in the well. Reading here, posting here--that's like drawing up another bucket of the same well-water that your body and brain use to help keep you afloat. You can't pour from a cup when it's empty, you know?

Anyway . . . So proud of you, friend. I sincerely hope that telling your husband opens all sorts of other doors to you on your healing journey--namely that you can talk to him, too.

And it's okay to feel sad. It's okay to feel pretty much anything--and recovery really is a whole lot of feeling, as crappy as it can be.

Hugs if you like them,
Dyl.
 

tony passey

Registrant
Yes I’ve stopped being a drama queen as well as moderators all over it. Well I’m settling down with a thick cut honey roast ham sandwich with loads of English mustard and a punnet of sweet as you like strawberries all made by my fair hand except the bread as I run out of dough lol.
Glad you resting and I hope your hubbie is as sweet with situation as these strawberries
Keep it cool and real
Regards
Why don’t dogs like fruit - weirdos
 

tony passey

Registrant
Moderators all over it in reference to my detective work on site and catching a baddy on here . Not all over me , if you were confused as to what I meant as it’s not so easy for me to chat over the pond as we found out with traps. Good God we speaking same language , how difficult can it be lol
Keep sleeping and eating my friend
 
LOL. You're all good, friend. Sometimes, it's just a difference in American English and terms and British English and terms. That's why I ask. And dogs do like fruit. Mine will eat it, but they can't eat it a lot if it--it will make them sick, and in some cases die. However, for greys pumpkin is very good for them and their stomach so they get that. Other grey owners feed them a lot of different fruits that are safe to help with their diet--along with good meat like boiled chicken and liver and stuff like that. We have been good on canned and dry food as that is what the vet has recommended.
 
Hey friend,

I also just have to jump on the bandwagon and say that I'm so proud of you for telling your husband. He does love you and care about you and frankly I'm almost willing to bet that having you tell him was a relief for him, too. I think a lot of the people we're closest too have an inkling, even if they don't know the details before we share them.

I'm also a fan of asking your therapist for help "slowing down" as well, especially if it's feeling overwhelming. There's something to be said for getting all the cards on the table, but since you've been through a lot lately, it's probably also worth knowing that you can tap on the brakes, too--and your therapist should be able to help offer some guidance.

And-and . . . taking a break from here (or limiting what you read here) may be good as well. You only have so many spoons, to borrow a popular analogy. There's only so much water in the well. Reading here, posting here--that's like drawing up another bucket of the same well-water that your body and brain use to help keep you afloat. You can't pour from a cup when it's empty, you know?

Anyway . . . So proud of you, friend. I sincerely hope that telling your husband opens all sorts of other doors to you on your healing journey--namely that you can talk to him, too.

And it's okay to feel sad. It's okay to feel pretty much anything--and recovery really is a whole lot of feeling, as crappy as it can be.

Hugs if you like them,
Dyl.
Yes, I have been slowing down this week. T and I had a better talk and was a bit different this week. I am in a different place. Had a bit of memories yesterday but pretty good today for the first time in a long time. Him and I try to tell the truth to each other when we have so much crap going on. Thanks for your continued support, I appreciate it.

GH
 

tony passey

Registrant
As I a butcher/ slaughter man / fishmonger she lay here is as fit as a butchers dog as we say here, I just avoid onion and chocolate. When I find a fruit she likes you’ll be first to know . She likes chasing apples around the orchards but that’s not eating is it lol
 

uvbnwrnd

Registrant
I had a bad day. A bad week. I basically have MS and my therapist, which is ok but I think I needed another outlet that was close to me. My body and mind told me that tonight.

I finally mustered up the courage to tell my husband about all the CSA and sexual abuse I have endured. All the humiliation, fear, pain, disgust, and other emotions I have feeling. And I tried to explain the concept of the body keeping the score thing. He was very understanding. I hope he did anyway. I felt sick telling him about it. Maybe I shouldn't have--but I felt relieved afterwards and my body was telling me I needed to.

I feel really sad tonight. Sad my family is so fucked up. Sad what they did to me--three so far I know of. Sad that what they did to me fucked up my future. Sad what those others who weren't family who assaulted and raped me at 15 and 21 took even more innocence from me and made me more confused and made me stuff down my anger.

Somebody told me about PTSD and me. I haven't focused a lot on it--I'm sure I probably have it. I haven't studied it or talked to my therapist about it yet, at this point the memories are coming so fast we are just trying to work through them. Frankly, I have so much shit going on, I can only handle so much. Judge me or not, it's where I'm at. I don't need others telling me I'm doing something wrong when I'm doing the best I can.

I am hoping that the memories slow down, but as I was telling hubs I am afraid they won't as I already have tidbits of things and even talking I had things start to show. I am just afraid can I handle so much more shit come up? JFC, how much more? I have a fear of what is coming, and I also fear it's just the tip of the iceberg.

Was I just the whore for everybody? Available for everybody to beat up and take advantage of whenever they feel like it, or was I just that dumb over, and over, and over,and over? Or both?

Anyway, enough. Rant over. And no videos so you can not worry that I'm a drama queen to open my post either.
You have echoed a lot of feelings I have had lately- thanks for sharing that.
 
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