Today's session (Triggers)

Today was probably the most productive session I have had since I started this journey.

With my T, who I trust as much as I am able to, I have always been rather reserved. Yes, I cried a couple of times. But it was for God knows what.

Today we talked about what I felt last Thursday. And probed it a little. Just a little. But enough to find out it wasn't just what I lost, i.e., the family "traditions". It was knowing that at NO time was I safe. Anywhere. Ever. Even on holidays.

Other than one instance at the recent retreat, I have never "felt" the memories and the fear like I did today. For a few minutes, just that little boy, searching frantically for a place to hide. Or trying to be "good" so I wouldn't get hurt. Praying my mom wouldn't get drunk so he could do it. The tears were there. The real, pain filled tears.

It will sound strange to say that I think it was the best session so far. Because I realized that for the first time, I have really let my T see Mikey. Or, rather, what Mikey was back then.

On I go. Well, I guess this is recovery. And I will embrace it. To move farther away from being the helpless, silent and scared victim, to the man I want to be.

Rambling

Marc

 

Marc -

Can I ask how long you have been in therapy? I have my third seeion tomorrow. I don't feel anything when I talk to my therapist. How long does that take?

Thank you

Bronc

 

[Mark S]

Marc.

I'm pleased your therapy sessions are productive for you. It sounds like you have made a huge leap in allowing your therapist to see the whole you including your vulnerability.

Bronco.

Just want to say that we all vary in the time it takes for us to move away from our pain. So many factors are invloved, the quality of the therapist and the age we were when the abuse occured are just two. I suppose what I'm saying is, take your time and try not to put yourself under pressure. You have made the first step towards recovery and that's great.

Also, it is not uncommon for us not to feel anything when we start therapy. We as survivors often learnt to desentise ourselves when we were abused and we can carry this over to later life.

I wish you both luck in your therapy.

Regards Mark S