today...
As the weekend passed, I found I kept wanting to breakdown and cry. I had to keep busy on things, because every time I let myself think too much I wept. I have been thinking a lot about why I am so sad. I think it is because I realized the person I am verses the person I thought I was. I thought I was this sick pervert, but I realize I am not. Going back there, I realized just how hard I tried to do the right things in life.
Jeff wouldnt have had sex, and wouldnt have done those things. I was tricked into it, and then surrendered to it. I realized that I always tried to obey, and if my parents had impressed on me that people like Mat existed, I would have run away that day. I would have never stayed if I had only known.
If Mat hadnt bastardized my sexuality, I would have grown into a perfectly normal guy. I believed in God, and in the sanctity of marriage. It was that very foundation that haunted me so badly when I realized what had happened. I blamed myself, so it was all my fault, and I was a sick SOB. I was flawed in some way.
It took going back there, so I could look forward instead of backward on my abuse. It was seeing through little Jeffs eyes to get inside my own head. Only then did I realize I wasnt who I thought I was. Now I know how good that child was, and how much this changed who he became. I can see life without abuse. I know my compassion for others wouldnt have allowed me to act out, had I known better. I know I wouldnt have hurt those others. I know I wasnt sick. I know all these things, and I mourn what might have been. I grieve for the life I lost. I was one moment, one hour away from being a normal kid. If only my parents cared a little more. If only Mat did.
Amazing how I loved the world, and loved life somewhere inside, and hated myself, and hated living so badly. I cry and weep for the boy I might have been. In time, I will grow from it, but for now, I must allow myself to feel again
Jeff wouldnt have had sex, and wouldnt have done those things. I was tricked into it, and then surrendered to it. I realized that I always tried to obey, and if my parents had impressed on me that people like Mat existed, I would have run away that day. I would have never stayed if I had only known.
If Mat hadnt bastardized my sexuality, I would have grown into a perfectly normal guy. I believed in God, and in the sanctity of marriage. It was that very foundation that haunted me so badly when I realized what had happened. I blamed myself, so it was all my fault, and I was a sick SOB. I was flawed in some way.
It took going back there, so I could look forward instead of backward on my abuse. It was seeing through little Jeffs eyes to get inside my own head. Only then did I realize I wasnt who I thought I was. Now I know how good that child was, and how much this changed who he became. I can see life without abuse. I know my compassion for others wouldnt have allowed me to act out, had I known better. I know I wouldnt have hurt those others. I know I wasnt sick. I know all these things, and I mourn what might have been. I grieve for the life I lost. I was one moment, one hour away from being a normal kid. If only my parents cared a little more. If only Mat did.
Amazing how I loved the world, and loved life somewhere inside, and hated myself, and hated living so badly. I cry and weep for the boy I might have been. In time, I will grow from it, but for now, I must allow myself to feel again