Today was a sad sad day
Hi all, I am so sad today. My family has now completely fallen apart. I now have to face the fact that my wife and I will never reconcile. And to make matters worse, I have to face the fact that there will now be 2 more kids who come from a broken home. These two things totally break my heart.
Here is what happened: I promised to give my wife her space to go down her path, and myself time to heal on my path. I thought if I gave her space and she and saw me healing and growing into the kind, giving, loving, and generous person that I am, that she would give our relationship another try. But I couldnt do it. I couldnt live close to her, be her friend, and not show my love for her. I spent much of the weekend crying and asking WHY cant we give the relationship another try?? Im sure the relationship could be different. Everything my wife didnt like about me was in some way related to my SA issues or my smoking pot (self medicating to keep the anxiety at bay). I no longer self medicate and I have made tremendous progress on my SA issues. But in the end the issue I couldnt cope with is my need for attention. My lack of attention from my parents and the loneliness within me is was what made me an easy target to be manipulated by my abuser. My need for attention is what smothered my wife (who is very independent to begin with) during our marriage, and now my need to attention killed any chance we had at reconciliation.
This weekend I could not understand why she would give us and our family one more chance given all the changes we have made. After I talked, cried, pleaded and begged she finally got fed up and told me its over stop acting like a child and get over it. OUCH! I fled from the house and walked for about 2 hours and when I came home, I experienced severe anxiety attacks. Lori was kind enough to nurse me and hold my hand during the shaking, and when it subsided she reheated me diner and got me my meds before bed and then briefly helped me through my next anxiety attack. Im sure it was very difficult for her to help me knowing that she is the cause of much of my pain. I took some extra meds to be sure I would sleep through the night, which I did for the first time in weeks.
But in the morning I woke with quite a bit of anger. I left for the gym figuring the workout would help. But I became more and more angry and left the gym and sped home to confront Lori. When I got home I called her selfish and self centered for wanting to break up our marriage when she has a loving devoted husband who is also an awesome father to our kids. Why brake up a loving family for your own self wants/needs? Well needless to say she did not respond to this well. She threw a humidifier at me, started yelling that I am a needy loser and a weak man. She then hit me with her belt and kicked me many times. All this was happening while the kids were down stairs getting ready for school. I felt really bad for the kids so I was going to let them stay home from school and spend time with them. Well, this made Lori completely crazy and she made them get in the car and took off with them telling me its time to get the lawyers involved.
At this point I was feeling that I was now going to lose everything important to me in the whole world. So, I called the police figuring that if I made a statement to them of how she was violent and took the kids, this would help me when court time came. Well how naive was I??? The police charged Lori with felony assault and me with a misdemeanor of disorderly conduct. We have to go to court in the morning and I can only imagine how awefull that will be.
Tonight I am home alone while Lori has the kids at a friends house. I feel terrible that she got charged with a felony because I needlessly provoked her violence after she was so kind to me the night before. I guess I just could not handle the rejection. My therapist said that my anger is also heightened because I have never expressed my anger that I hold for my abuser. No doubt I feel angry and feel rejected by Lori, but I think my therapist is right. I have never expressed anger about being abused or anger directed at my abuser, so when anger does hit me (which is rarely) it is my little Eddie that takes over.
Once again I am sorry for the pain I caused Lori, and I hope somehow I can make it right in court tomorrow. I have also decided that once we get past court I will agree to see a divorce moderator (tears) and negotiate a way that I will leave (many tears!) my home and kids (more tears) and find a place to live for myself as close as possible (these are the hardest words I have ever typed).
I am so ashamed, sad and in such despair.
Here is what happened: I promised to give my wife her space to go down her path, and myself time to heal on my path. I thought if I gave her space and she and saw me healing and growing into the kind, giving, loving, and generous person that I am, that she would give our relationship another try. But I couldnt do it. I couldnt live close to her, be her friend, and not show my love for her. I spent much of the weekend crying and asking WHY cant we give the relationship another try?? Im sure the relationship could be different. Everything my wife didnt like about me was in some way related to my SA issues or my smoking pot (self medicating to keep the anxiety at bay). I no longer self medicate and I have made tremendous progress on my SA issues. But in the end the issue I couldnt cope with is my need for attention. My lack of attention from my parents and the loneliness within me is was what made me an easy target to be manipulated by my abuser. My need for attention is what smothered my wife (who is very independent to begin with) during our marriage, and now my need to attention killed any chance we had at reconciliation.
This weekend I could not understand why she would give us and our family one more chance given all the changes we have made. After I talked, cried, pleaded and begged she finally got fed up and told me its over stop acting like a child and get over it. OUCH! I fled from the house and walked for about 2 hours and when I came home, I experienced severe anxiety attacks. Lori was kind enough to nurse me and hold my hand during the shaking, and when it subsided she reheated me diner and got me my meds before bed and then briefly helped me through my next anxiety attack. Im sure it was very difficult for her to help me knowing that she is the cause of much of my pain. I took some extra meds to be sure I would sleep through the night, which I did for the first time in weeks.
But in the morning I woke with quite a bit of anger. I left for the gym figuring the workout would help. But I became more and more angry and left the gym and sped home to confront Lori. When I got home I called her selfish and self centered for wanting to break up our marriage when she has a loving devoted husband who is also an awesome father to our kids. Why brake up a loving family for your own self wants/needs? Well needless to say she did not respond to this well. She threw a humidifier at me, started yelling that I am a needy loser and a weak man. She then hit me with her belt and kicked me many times. All this was happening while the kids were down stairs getting ready for school. I felt really bad for the kids so I was going to let them stay home from school and spend time with them. Well, this made Lori completely crazy and she made them get in the car and took off with them telling me its time to get the lawyers involved.
At this point I was feeling that I was now going to lose everything important to me in the whole world. So, I called the police figuring that if I made a statement to them of how she was violent and took the kids, this would help me when court time came. Well how naive was I??? The police charged Lori with felony assault and me with a misdemeanor of disorderly conduct. We have to go to court in the morning and I can only imagine how awefull that will be.
Tonight I am home alone while Lori has the kids at a friends house. I feel terrible that she got charged with a felony because I needlessly provoked her violence after she was so kind to me the night before. I guess I just could not handle the rejection. My therapist said that my anger is also heightened because I have never expressed my anger that I hold for my abuser. No doubt I feel angry and feel rejected by Lori, but I think my therapist is right. I have never expressed anger about being abused or anger directed at my abuser, so when anger does hit me (which is rarely) it is my little Eddie that takes over.
Once again I am sorry for the pain I caused Lori, and I hope somehow I can make it right in court tomorrow. I have also decided that once we get past court I will agree to see a divorce moderator (tears) and negotiate a way that I will leave (many tears!) my home and kids (more tears) and find a place to live for myself as close as possible (these are the hardest words I have ever typed).
I am so ashamed, sad and in such despair.