today is our birthday

[Sterling]

If I was my dad. I would put my clarinet away
"Goran you want to play the drums...."
"yea.
"hmm , okay we will have to soundproof a room in the basement.
"what else goran?
I would like self-esteem. I want to talk to boys, can
I hang-out with boys? "
"Ah, let me check in with your grandmother, see what she thinks..."
"dad , can I ..." he leaves me.

all alone in their apartment.
"YOU ARE MY BOY! I WANT YOU IN THE BEDROOM, YOU STUPID
KID!!"
"don't talk. t don't talk ton tno to...."
hearing laughter from two cousins..
"you are stupid goran...".
inner voice ..."what have I done?
picture my self eating her food.
I just wanted to be a boy.
I wanted to play football, hockey, gymnastics.
"think I can get into gymnastics dad...."
grabs a hold of my stomach...."you are too fat for gymnastics!!!"
why I am. here. why do I look like a girl?
where is God? will I kill someone like my aunt tells me,
and shows me?
create stuff in my conscious .
twenty years later...God saved my brain.
and I donate no more to my dad!
He will never hear my voice.
Thanks for listening.
Feel free to blog and tell me what kind of dad you would be
to your inner boy!

Goran

 

[don64]

Happy Birthday Goran!

My challenge is to be a healthy dad to my inner boy, one that is able to hold him/me in safety and love. I don't usually think of my inner dad, but the truth is that the place in me that I have to grow strong is the part of me that is able to parent my inner boy--nothing remotely like my actual dad. To become the strong, loving parent that is able to keep my inner boy safe. What that means to me is to learn to know when myself as inner boy is wanting to act out from a place of being damaged. My inner boy has run most of my life, with disastrous results.

It's only now in my 60's that I am beginning to differentiate a healthy parental self. My inner boy is still able to exert enormous power over my decision making process, but at least I'm now aware that this is not a good idea, and my challenge is to grow me as inner parent so as to become strong enough to set limits with my inner boy and keep him safe. Safe enough to grow up anew in a healthy and safe environment provided my ME!

Sending you love and support,

Don

 

[Sterling]

Thanks Don!
Just to clarify , I meant it is everyone's birthday.!

Thank you for sharing.

hugs,
G

 

[tommyb]

(Sterling)

"... I just wanted to be a boy. I wanted to play football, hockey, gymnastics ..." ... haunting.

It's not that I'm my own father.

It didn't land that way for me when I realized I was from extraordinary abuse and was truly on my own in my own truth.

It was more like I became my own judge, and could not get it wrong or would be forever lost.

(but yeah, every June 1st, it's like an anniversary)

(and happy birthday to you, too)

 

[Sterling]

Thank you Tommyb.

Thanks for your reply.
I cant thank you and the guys here enough.

Yor words mean a lot!

G