Today, feeling...

Today, feeling...
J

Jaysen

Registrant
I feel like shit today.

I get drunk last night and decide to call the woman who calls herself my mother.

It's been about 2 months since I've spoken to her.... I should have known better, she hasn't bothered to call me or come by. But I was hopeful, thinking maybe we'd have a nice conversation, maybe I could tell her a couple of things, maybe have a laugh or two...

Of course the whole conversation was all about her... her job, her vacation plans, her aches and pains, her most recent tax bill, her most recent headache...

She never once asked how I was doing. Never asked me anything about my job, my life... nothing.

I don't know what the hell I was thinking but I asked to speak with dad. So she told me to hang on and I could hear them in the background "Mike do you want to speak with Jaysen?", and his reply "I don't know any Jaysen."

So she gets back on the phone and tells me he's out mowing the lawn or some shit and can't hear her calling him... she totally lies for him.

What the fuck did I ever do to make him hate me so much? And why does she continue to take his side? He's treated her like shit for 20 years and he tells her she can't call her own son and she complies with that? What the fuck is wrong with these people? The bigger question is why do I care? Why do I need them to love me and why do I need them to be proud of me? They never will and there's nothing I can do to make it happen, I know that but I guess I don't believe it.

So I'm hungover, pissed off and hurt. Before I came here I would have just called in sick and continued to abuse/punish myself for the next two or three days... So this is new for me, putting it here in words instead of looking for it at the bottom of a bottle or at the end of a needle or in someone's bed.

Thanks,
Jay
 
Hi Jay,

Several years ago, when I was beginning therapy, I kept going to my mother, who was completely indifferent to the whole thing (abuse) and kept alluding to the fact that it was my fault, that I had brought my abuse on myself. I kept going back, and going back, and going back. Finally, a counselor told me that I could get up, cross the room and hug a lamp and that lamp would not hug me back because it was incapable. Maybe I should stop trying to hug the lamp.

I cut my mom out of my life for three years, and healed a lot during that time. We began a new relationship last year, but by email so I didn't have to listen to her tone of voice or anything like that, so it's been good.

During the time of distance between us, I met other men in similar situations and told them all that the best thing I ever did was take a break from the people who were continuing to abuse me.

I don't know if this helps, but I hope your day gets better.
 
one thing for sure, all of this is something to talk over with your therapist, because all you are feeling is right. we can't make our parents love us as they should, and we cant change them, but it doesnt make it hurt any less. now the challenge becomes what are you going to do with all that pain and anger? hopefully your therapist can help you find a way of dealign with it so you can move past it.
 
Jay,

So this is new for me, putting it here in words instead of looking for it at the bottom of a bottle or at the end of a needle or in someone's bed.
Click to expand...
Right there you see the benefit of developing an ability to talk about it.

Toxic people come at us from every direction Jay, and sometimes from our own families. I'm not sure there are any answers to your questions of why your parents behave as they do, but I can assure you that you deserve a LOT better and that the issues have to do with THEIR failings, not yours.

Family doesn't have to be blood my friend. If the door is locked then after a time we stop beating our heads against it and start looking for other doors.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thanks all.

I don't know why I'm so hung up on it. Just wish I could make them proud. Would be nice to hear them tell me I'm doing the right thing or that I've come a long way in 4 years. Or that it wasn't my fault... that would be nice too.
 
Hello Jay,

I don't know how old you are but I am 45 and I still feel like I never got my parents to approval of me. About 10 years ago when I told my mother that my step-father abused me she said what if he did....where would we be if he had not married me? (she had been single and my birth father left)..yet I have always wanted her approval. Its a strange set of circumstances now because my step father passed away about 6 years ago...my mother is going to be 80 years old in november and guess who is living with her because she can't live alone anymore or drive anymore? Yup, me and my wife....we both lost our jobs and ended up here....for my mother its good because she can hang on to her home a little longer before she has to move in with one of my sisters....for us it makes it possible to return back to college....(only a year and half left - thank God!) Anyway, she is a very difficult person to live with....it is not easy balancing a wife AND a mother in the same house....you know what? I am geting off your topic here....I just meant to write that I understand a little the wanting to have your parents approve of you...I think its because wether we like it or not they are people in our lives who are "suppose" to show love towards us. I like what Larry said: Family doesn't have to be blood.... I can agree with that big time....I am much closer to friends than most of my family.....sounds to me like you are doing good though you are starting to take care of yourself.......

Tobey
 
Jay,

My heart is sad for you. You so deserve to hear an "atta boy" from your dad and an "I'm so proud of you" from you mom. It is one of the most important things for a child to hear regardless of how old they are. The realization that you will probably never hear those things has got to be such a disappointment even tho you try to tell yourself that you don't care.

The only option left to you is to find a friend or friends with whom you can feel accepted and loved. With whom you can find acceptance and be accepting. With whom you can share unconditional love.

When family fails us, it's up to each of us to create our own place of comfort, acceptance, and safety.

I wish you good things as you work through this issue. Don't be afraid to talk to us about it and anything else you need to.

Lots of love,

John
 
"Atta boy"? "I'm so proud of you"?

Right if I had a dime for every time I heard anything like that from them I'd be fucking broke!
All I ever heard from him was "Not good enough". All I ever got from him was the back of his hand in my face and his belt across my back... why? Because it just wasn't good enough.

Right... "thanks dad, at least uncle kenny understands me"

My mother is just a fucking robot that he controls. She says and does exactly what he wants. If I can't make him proud there's no way in hell I'd ever make her proud.

And you know what, fuck it I don't even want the acceptance or praise... how about an "I love you." Damn that would be nice! I've never heard those 3 words come out of either one of their mouths. I've heard a lot of "I hate yous" and "You make me sick". The last time I heard "I love you", was from Kenny. And I believed him and he fucking fucked with me and then left me.

I know I have to find my own place, but it's hard to let go.
 
Keep on trucking Bro

I myself know now that after 33 years there really is light at the end of that shitty dark tunnel.

fight the good fight

Peace
 
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