To The Guys - apology & question

To The Guys - apology & question
K

kolisha54

Hello Everyone!

I'm hoping we can re-visit one of the themes that crops up every now & then - the appropriate level of participation for those of us at F&F.

I am 100% in agreement that partners & family should not be posting in the "male survivor" section: this site is, after all, a place established for the benefit of the Guys.

However, I (& possibly others), have been reading the posts in that section.

Occasionally, when something is very meaningful to me, I will send a PM to the person who has written the post.

I am now concerned that this is undermining the very support that I intend to give.

So. Please forgive if I have been intrusive.

Here is the question: does anyone have any idea how we could begin dialogue among us, yet not offend those who would rather not engage in it?

How about this: if I find a post that is meaningful for me, how about if I send an initial PM asking if it would be OK to send another PM???? Would that work?

Respectfully,

K54
 
Hi, we have to respect the needs of some who would not post if the forum rules were not respected, people have different things going on inside them, for various reasons.

I personally would always respond to PMs, and would help if I can, and I know that it is of course frustrating when you really want to make an input to a thread.

Maybe make another forum called safe harbour, where the thread can be discussed more openly and analysed with everyone involved.

take care,

ste
 
Hey Kolisha,

I'd like to answer your question and talk a bit about appropriate participation in general.

I've done this too:
Occasionally, when something is very meaningful to me, I will send a PM to the person who has written the post.
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and I've never gotten a negative response, although a few times I've gotten no response. I've set a few ground rules for myself because I don't want to make anyone feel unsafe. When writing to someone I don't "know," I am sure to introduce myself up front as a female partner of a male survivor. If I receive no response, I assume that person does not want to hear from me again, and I respect that.

I think in terms of general safety and privacy on the forums, there are a few things that we all should keep in mind. The first is, the public forums are public. When survivors post on the Survivors forum, when I post here, anyone can read that, members and lurkers alike. In my opinion that's one of the greatest and most helpful parts of this community-- we have so many brave and caring people willing to put their struggles and support out there for each other and the world to see. And I know there are many out there who benefit greatly from being able to read it, even if they don't participate.

So I don't see it as intrustive to read the public forum; that's why it's there. Anyone who would like to post in a more private setting can become a member and post in the member forums. And F&F can't read those Member's survivor posts, just as the survivors can't read the F&F Members'.

The other part of "safety" I will quote from the DB Guidelines:
The primary goal for all of us should be to maintain Restraint and Respect.
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The only way to keep these forums safe and supportive is for each of us to set very high personal standards for behaving here, and very realistic expectations about the risks and benefits of being here.

We have to take it upon ourselves not to release personal information, to inform moderators and administrators when someone is threatening our safety here, to stay focused on healing, to read and reread posts and PM's before we send them, with respect and restraint in our minds.

We have to understand that we have little control over how others respond to our posts (people may disagree with us or give advice we don't want to hear), and we have less control than that over who reads a public forum. We have to accept that a few of the people who come here will not hold themselves to this community's standards, and trust that the moderators and administrators will do their best to remedy that when it happens.

Despite all of that, I believe it's more than worth it to have this site here and be a part of it. If you'd told me at this time last year where I'd be today, I wouldn't have believed it-- and I doubt it would have been possible without MS.
 
This is always a difficult question, there are guys who have severe problems with discussing their problems with a woman - for many reasons.
And this site is on of the very few Male sites, and certainly the best, in a whole raft of female and joint sites.

I'm a bit wary of going Ste's route and creating yet another forum, we already have some that are barely used. Maybe if we rationalised a bit?

Perhaps the best way forward is, if you see a topic that you believe is relevent to Fam & Fri as well then raise it with a Mod and we'll ask the topic starter if they have any problem with the topic either being run in two forums or the 'partner' starting their own topic using theirs as the basis.

But if you have had contact before with them, and you know that they're not 'anti' then there's nothing to stop you making the request.

I suppose a bit of thought and consideration - both ways - is the ultimate answer?

Dave
 
So, Dave:

How's about it? Can we post this thread somewhere else so that those to whom I should most apologize can see it????

Thanks!!!
 
WOW- this thread just made me realize something- i thought every time i saw "Male Survivor" next to a name, it meant they were a male survivor! I just got that it's just indicative of paid membership of females and males!
must be the stress- thanks for helping me realize that- clears up a few thoughts....
 
wanna say one more thing (on a roll here). I really value hearing from the men- i actually searched the male boards to hear what they say about relating with women, etc.
it's a way to remove the personal hurt when I'm dealing directly with stuff, cause when one of the survivors other than our partners explain the behaviors, we can hear it more objectively.
so i have to say i'd love to see a way to do that. BUT I don't know the answer also because I totally agree with what Dave said about the priority being their right not to have to worry about intrusion- (I'd have quoted there but I haven't figured out how to do that yet) I agree this site is pure gold, actually, it's White Gold to me -which I value even more-
 
I have been here off and on for years. I have seen women reply on the male board and sometimes it causes a up roar. I have seen some F&F's bring a topic to this form before on there own. I think Dave's idea is a very good way of doing it. Contact a mod and ask them to ask the poster if they would mind the topic being started in the F&F's form.

James
 
An--
I really value hearing from the men- i actually searched the male boards to hear what they say about relating with women, etc.
it's a way to remove the personal hurt when I'm dealing directly with stuff, cause when one of the survivors other than our partners explain the behaviors, we can hear it more objectively.
so i have to say i'd love to see a way to do that.
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This forum is open to male survivors as well as family and friends. If you are looking specifically for input from survivors, you can put it in your subject.

Your friendly neighborhood moderator,
SAR :)
 
Thank you SAR. I'm at a real low sad point tonight and making a new year's resolution to detach for now to establish my own healthy boundaries for 2005. I expect I'll be back here when I get past this episode of hurt. I'm at one of those points where I can't constructively talk about it,but I thank you for all your helpfullness in several posts. I did order the books through the site connection - I guess there is some "behind the scenes" way that it's tracked for credit to the site cause I couldn't tell how that actually worked. thanks again- An
 
Well last night's low point passed so quickly it's a testament to the board and the magic (soundness really) of healthy detachment. I've realized that I now need to "stand aside" in our relationship ( a Quaker term meaning you'll step out of the picture but that there is no negative judgement in doing so- it's not a protesting withdrawal but a "letting be" forgoing my own involvement) during this very dysfunctional, deceitful time of his behavior. I guess I see it like when a sick person has a fever- he's in the grips of the illness, the damage done- he's in his past right now, but my belief in a different future for him is so strong when he's ready. I know these ugly times are a part of the process and it was very important for me with the symbolism of new years to have an alternative- these boards made that possible. He knows I'm available for support should he make healthier, honest, choices, but it's so good to feel healthy boundaries for myself and just stop the hurt by not participating- I did forward some of the MS board pages to him- they were my "Happy New Year" message to him- I added nothing to those emails because there is nothing I can say that is more powerful or profound than the words of survivors on these boards. It is so wonderful to have this resource. Again, thank you all!
I'm hoping if he sees the words of other survivors- which are IDENTICAL to his words about his feelings and thoughts- e.g. the emotional roller coaster, the intense "wave" of emotions",etc, he'll realize what friends he will find on these boards.
My little period of grief I had last night at my disappointment re: his choices, passed so quickly relatively speaking- I felt it all and with the help of this board just worked (walked) right through it. and was on the other side of it well before midnight. The power of the sharing will never cease to amaze me. It's my new year and I want to be entirely healthy in it, physically and mentally.

I am also experimenting with this post to see if the MS Member logo comes up for the first time next to my post- membership here was my first expenditure of the new year, a symbolic way of marking my committment to a healthy soul year. I think it's very cool you made it a sliding scale according to income- thank you again and I am hoping for the most transformative year ever for us all, Peace, An
 
As a victim of a female, this is my 2 cents.

I have an internal conflict with women. On one hand, I would like to talk to them about my abuse because women are more understanding and kinder sometimes than some of my male friends. On the other hand, it takes a lot from me before I can trust a woman, and even when I am able to talk to them about it, I feel very afraid of being judged or victimized again.

There are some things that I just don't feel comfortable talking about with a woman, which I feel you understand. To get around this, for me at least, if any of you ever wants to open up a dialogue about something I posted more...just send me a PM and ask me if I'd feel comfortable talking about it more with you, and tell me who you are too. I will most likely respond either way I feel about it. It doesnt get more complicated than that with me.

Jon
 
Speaking for myself, I would not mind a PM or two from a F&F sometimes. I think a mixed forum would be a good idea also. One of the first persons I told about being raped was a gay girl in the navy. While I have lost track of her for about 20 years, I still miss talking to her and getting her female point of view. While I did get married, my wife does not seem interested in having me talk about it. In 1992 when I told the navy about it, both her and the navy did not believe that a rape that happened in 1968, could be cause me to have problems in 1992. One of these days I'll talk more about the navy and my wife.
 
Ladies, I am responding publicly here because Lloydy asked for our feedback.

I rarely post here in F&F. Its MY opinion that we (men) should stay out of it as much as possible, just as F&F should stay out of MS areas.
But for different reasons.
I support the F&F section, its a Great resource.

BUT, I don't agree with having women posting in the Male Survivor area because,
1) You(women) have a ton of Female sites you can use & get feed back in. We men really only have this one. And there are ONLY 2 areas here with the word MALE in it.
2) Once you allow it, its easy for it to become over-run.
3) I NEED a Male dominated group to relate to & get feedback from.

I would support the creation of a new public area for the discussion of Topics started in other areas.

Once Women start posting in Male Survivor, it will lose its power & comfort. & I will lose it also.

It may seem a small detail to some, but Male Survivor should stay Male only, Otherwise you should change the name to just Survivors, make it a Non-Gender specific site.
And THAT would certainly be a Terrible Loss for us Guys.

Please don't take that Male Only area away from me.

Sincerely, & without any hostility,
Blacken
 
I use to come here some times, to respond to people who asked for advice or something. I mostly do not come here anymore. Honest, this area is trigger for me, and I do not know why. It is nothing against anyone here. There have been some people here who are not who they present themself to be. But that has happened in the other areas as well. I am not sure what it is of this forum that bother me, but that is where I am right now I guess.

I have received PMs from several of the ladies here before, including you Kolisha (is good to see you here), and have never been offended other then one person who would just be rude anyway, whether male or female. I have become very close with someone who used to post here more often, and value that. I have no problem with PMs from the female members here, and actually, MOST of the time would have no problem with posting with them in the same forum. But there are some things that are just my feeling of being male-survivor things, specific to us, and I feel to embarrased to share with ladies. I also know of some other male survivor members who uncomfortable with the ladies at the 'male only' areas of the site. If it doesn't bother me, it doesn't matter, if it bothers one of the male survivors here, that is to much. That is just my thinking on it.

Thank you Lynn, Kolisha, SAR and few other ladies here who have contacted me by PM before, everyone I have had contact with here privately has been very appropriate and helpful.

leosha
 
The first person who abused was a woman, and the abuse lasted 2 years, so all my life I expected women to abuse me. If they didn't I would show them how and most were more than happy to oblige.

When I met my wife she refused to, so I thought she really didn't love me.

I would love to hear from women. All I ask is that you treat me with respect. Please don't judge me.

I would like to treat women with respect but all my life I've thought of them as whores. I am learning otherwise.

K
 
KAKDLA

all my life I expected women to abuse me. If they didn't I would show them how and most were more than happy to oblige.

When I met my wife she refused to, so I thought she really didn't love me.
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It could be my boyfriend, writing this.

Thanks for your honesty, and welcome.

SAR
 
SAR

You are so very welcome. Permission to PM whenever you like. I only ask that you be nice and understanding. I have been hurt too many times.

K
 
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