To the Dads out there

To the Dads out there
A

aardvark

Registrant
so.
I have a question for the older men on the site who have kids. I'm considering disclosing to my father about my abuse. Or just the fact that I was abused, without all the details. I am about 99% sure my father is a survivor of sexual assault as well. He has never come out and told me he was abused, but his behavior, and art, lead me to believe he was. That being said I have two children myself and try to protect them as best I could.

I'm not really sure what I want out of this disclosure. I dont know if I want him to feel responcible or not. In my case, my dad was not around much when I was a kid. For a long time he worked 3 jobs just to make ends meet. He was not around when the other kids wanted to have fun with me. maybe if he was home that girl wouldn't have had the opportunity to rape me.

I have alot of respect for the hard work my dad did to keep a roof over our heads and food on our plates. I want him to know I love him and need him around. I want him to know that even though these thing happened, that right now I'm ok. That I'm working it out. That I came close to losing it but now I'm pulling through. I gues I want him to take ownership in his part of my upbringing, good,and bad.

I was also wondering how your parenting has changed since you have started healing. I know for myself I have felt a better appretiation of being a parent and the role I have in my childrens lives. I would like to know how you would feel, as the father of a father, if he came to you and disclosed his abuse.

I dont want to ramble on to much. I just want to know what to expect if I tell him about what happened to me, and I thought some of you might have some insights, any would be helpful.

-Aardvark.
 
I just recently told my own father about the abuse I went through. It was hard to do, but I did it, and I feel better for it.

For me, telling my dad was about not allowing my perp to keep me silent; not hiding any more out of fear. I did it for me, not for him or because I wanted anything from him.

When I told him, he said that he was glad I trusted him enough to share something so painful with him. There is a lot going on in my life right now, and beginning my recovery from SA is just one of the problems he is helping me deal with. I think that the whole event may have brought us closer.

As far as my children, I have two girls under 6, and honestly I haven't really given it a lot of thought before now, but I will certainly be reevaluating how we operate as a family.

I don't know if this helps or not, but there you go.
 
Aardvark,

As I have said elsewhere I plan to tell my own father about my abuse history the next time I see him. That is not as often as I would like, as my parents live in the States and I am now in Europe.

My concern is that he will blame himself. I think any good father would do that, since he would consider it his task to protect his kids and would consider their abuse as his failure to do his duty.

From what you say, it seems to me that your father was one of those guys who had to work day and night to support his family; he didn't ask for that responsibility, but when it came up he accepted it. That's a hell of a way to live, and he should be appreiated for that. It may well be that had he been around more that girl would not have hurt you, and it is normal for you to wonder about that. But many other things could also have led to a different outcome, and the "what if" questions, because they are endless, just aren't very helpful.

In cases where there are major family difficulties that harm a child's sense of security and confidence, then yes, that plays a role in making that child an easier target. But I still think 100% of the blame goes to the one who commits the abuse, not to anyone else. Maybe I am being too rigid about this, I just don't know. I do have difficulty with the notion of diluting the abuser's responsibility by pointing a finger in some other direction: the perp should have kept his/her hands off, period. So in my case I will certainly try to prepare myself as much as possible for assuring my Dad that I love him, that I don't blame him, and that just as none of this was my fault, none of it was his fault either.

At the same time, Aardvark, I think you need to be prepared for unpredictable reactions from him. No parent is prepared for this sort of news from their child, regardless of his age. He may be shocked, he may ask questions or make comments that you find embarrassing or offensive, and so on. For example, what if he wonders what's the problem: she "initiated" you into "manhood"? That doesn't mean he is rejecting your pain, it just means he doesn't get it yet. As I said on another thread, you should be disclosing to him because it will aid you in your recovery. But you may well find yourself helping your Dad first, at least in the short term. It may also be up to you to return to the subject and let him know what you need from him. He may just have no idea what he should do or what the next step should be.

Your family situation is different from mine, since my two kids are a lot older. My son is now 21. I of course hope he never has to come to me with news like this, but if he did I would want to do everything in my power to help him. He may be out on his own now, but he will always be my wonderful little boy.

If I had the opportunity to raise my children again, yes, there are things I would do differently. I did try to reinforce their feelings that they are loved and appreciated without reservations or conditions, and I did try to make it clear that they could come to me with any question or problem. I think I would do that even more, and I would make more of an effort to see the world the way they do, rather than obliging them to prepare for adulthood so much. But that is me speaking as a father with 21 years of parenting under my belt. Hindsight is always 20/20 I guess.

Take care,
Larry
 
I am not a dad, but I appreciate your loving relationship with your kids.

Disclosure is about letting go, something that bugs you all your life.

You are letting him know of your appreciation of him, for working so hard and being good, to make sure you had food.

Yeah, it will work out,

ste
 
I, like ste, am not a father as well, yet I also echo ste's post.

I admire your courage aardvark in wanting to tell your father. I know in my heart I never could. Long story short, the local tavern was his home, and its patrons his family. My mom, brother and myself were at best second place. Shame too seeing as he had so much potential in sales to make our lives better. And as for my entire family on both my mom's and my father's side, half of them are self-proclaimed bigots and the other half strongly-opinionated. (And this is the sugar-coated version of my family.) I don't even consider my family "my family" anymore. Just a bunch of faces and names I can connect the dots to. They'd never ever be able to handle my story, instead judging me and criticizing me for not knowing any better. So for you to have a father who'd be there for you is a beautiful miracle in and of itself.

I support whatever decision you choose to make. All the best wishes...

MR
 
Aardvark,
I am a father of two, ages 13 & 11. I have absolutely no doubt that my two would tell me almost immediately if they had been assaulted.
Telling parents long after the fact is a tricky business in my opinion. I talked to my parents about 40 years after my SA. They were not particularly sympathetic, supportive or helpful. They were mostly of the opinion that it was a long time ago and it had best be forgotten and not talked about. If they felt guilty they didn't show it. If I had to do it over again, I probably wouldn't bother telling them, it didn't make me feel any better and I'm sure that they, at almost 80 years of age at the time of telling, were not able to relate. There were many other shortcomings in their parenting abilities, such as extreme violence and mental abuse, but honestly, I think they probably did as well as they were able. It's not like they planned on being bad parents, they were just ill equipped and were lacking in support systems. It was a very different time.
In short, I'm not sold that confronting parents with news of SA is always the right answer or course of action. Sometimes it causes them needlesss pain. And as was mentioned earlier, it is the perps that need to feel discomfort. Maybe causing more collateral pain needs to be thought about. Of course, each situation is different.
Peace, Andrew
 
As I mentioned once, I told my mother when I wa syounger. She told me, "don't ever talk about my friends that way." So I didn't. I kept quiet for longer then was healthy.

I never did tell my father. When I was young he was wandering around in his PTSD induced fog (wierd things, like 'firmly correcting me' for walking on the ridge of a hill. I understand it now, and it is a good thing to never do. However, to a kid it was just plain wierd). There just never was a goog time. Now, I am older, and so is he. It just seems rather pointless to tell him. There is nothing that can be done at this point.

Would it help my parenting, I really don't think so. For one thing, one of my kids is already gone and the other is 17. It probably would have helped if I had gotted therapy before, or early on, in thier lives. I really think that my mothers violence and hate toward men did more dammage to my ability to parent than the SA. That and having kids young.
 
What a very difficult question to answer...

My therapist suggested something that I thought was really kind of strange nearly fourteen years ago.
"Go sit with your father," she said. "Do not confront or disclose. Just sit and talk with him as a man. Not a son."
I did that. It took several weeks of Tuesday morning talks to just break through "you are the father, I am the son" for me. Even at forty I felt as though I was six years old as we sat across from one another. And as I sat and listened, I discovered that he was unable or unwilling to hear me or talk to me as anything other than "his son."
His body was ravaged by a stroke, a lifetime of Manic Depressive Disorder and Alcoholism...and still, the years seemed to fade away so easily when I was in his company.
What I did get out of the conversations was disappointing at first. I was hoping for an explanation. Some sense of how he could make the choices that he did...but afterward, I found, going home to my two daughters, that I was even more grateful, more amazed than ever at how beautifully innocent they were.
When they each were born...I made promises to each of them as I held them for the first time. That I would do everything in my power to make sure that no one would ever hurt them. The promises were made in good faith, but life is what it is...and along the way hurt and a certain amount of pain is enevitable.
I'm not sure I've understood the word "recovery" in the context of this process. Recovery is a word that suggest a return to normal...but normal was not something many survivors knew. So, maybe this process is about choices and quality of life...about building and maintaining relationships that are healthy and life affirming.
So, to your question, "Do I disclose to my father?"

What is right for you?


Dave
 
I - not so the old person here, also am no more long father. But I was. It - unique relations, or it should be, what parent has to their child. That it is not sacred so frequently, it - an awful idea to me.

I would think, whether my daughter grew, and ever arrives to me to tell, that she has this abusing, I would lose my heart on a pain which she has. I would feel the big fault, to not protect her from it. I can imagine, if you have the good parent, they will feel it. But children, they cannot be protected always. Sometime bad things happen. I think, that it - the big credit to you, that your children have safety and 'normal' in their house with you. I think, that make it probably by less chance, it would happen with them or if it does which they would feel themselves more safe to tell to you at once. As the majority of my abusing was in family which was not a choice to me. But it would be my daughter, and will be for any other child whom I have once.

I think, that it probably is good, but also and probably it is heavier, to not know that you expect from the message of your father of it. I think, that there could be a various number of reactions. But from the father of love even if there is an initial anger, the fault or a refutation, will be support and understanding, and continued love. Good luck.

VN
 
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