Dewey,
That exchange between Jasper and myself (Gay Survivors, "The other little boy who hurts") was very important to me and I am glad you read it. A lot of the issues are there. Jasper helped me to see a lot of things in their true light and he didn't let me off the hook when things got tough. I owe him a lot for being such an honest and loving friend.
I think you need to look at this from the perspective of what is good for you. Survivors often have serious self esteem problems; we underestimate how abuse fills us with a sense of worthlessness. A lot of recovery has to do with fighting back against these old feelings.
In my case, I plan to tell my Dad the next time I am back in the States; I can't ring him up and say "Oh by the way, your friend who helped with the Scouts abused me and other boys for years", and then just hang up. It will be very difficult for him, and I feel I need to be there to help him see that just as all this wasn't my fault, it wasn't his fault either. But yes, he will be devastated.
So why do it? In my case, it is because I am close to my family (with all the usual problems of course) and my father will always be my father. That's it. Big Larry will be able to say "I wish I had told you this years ago, but I was so frightened and ashamed. Now I am trying to recover and deal with all this. Please help me, you're my Dad." Little Larry will be able to say "Daddy that man hurt me so bad. He made me do things and I don't understand how it happened but I feel so guilty and mixed up. Please tell me it's not my fault." Right now I feel my relationship with my father is clouded and wrong; I should have trusted him 40 years ago, but my abuser had me filled with a lot of lies to keep me quiet.
I myself find that talking about these things builds my confidence and strengthens me. That enables me to talk to others about their issues, but that too strengthens me. I find that gathering up my emotional resources and talking about it is empowering. It puts me back in control. I am no longer that terrified and shamed 11 year old, and I can assure you, were my abuser still alive there would be hell to pay now. But of all the talking that I should have done, the person I should have told first is the guy who after decades is still "out of the loop".
The question is, how does all this work out for you? Ken is absolutely right when he says only you can answer that, but here are some considerations to think about.
1. It would be unfair to tell your Dad and then not say who abused you. That would be just torture for him, and all the rest of his life he would be guessing. Every time he sees someone he knows, he would be thinking, Is that the one?
2. I of course don't know how your relationship is with your father, but if you are feeling a need to tell him then my guess is that you guys are close, or at least on good terms. A good father will always want to protect his boy, whatever his age, so I would not worry about the possibility that disclosure would wreck your relationship. I have a son now 21, and I can assure you, I would ALWAYS want to know anything that is troubling him, so that I could do whatever I can to help.
3. Dewey, a lot of what you say in your post has "Little Dewey" written all over it. One huge reason why kids don't disclose is fear, and especially fear of being disbelieved and rejected. We often carry that on into adulthood in ways we don't see. When you point out that your perp is someone close to your father, you are basically saying that you fear what will happen when your father has to choose between you and his friend. I of course can't judge this, but a good father would never disbelieve his son on something as massive as this. Apart from all else, why on earth would you make this up?
4. From what you say in your post, I can see that this issue is a huge burden on you. Believe me, brother, I sure do know about that one. It's like carrying a huge rock on your back. It will take some courage (which I am not sure I have) to cast it off, but what a relief it will be to be rid of that burden! In all honesty, now that I have decided to do this I can hardly wait.
5. You suggest that your Dad has guilt issues as well. So your abuse history is a rock on his back as well.
6. Your post shows that both of you need to heal from past problems and want to do so.
So there we are. I know what conclusion this would take me to, but this really is something you must decide. All I would say in conclusion is that if you don't shed this burden it will weigh down on you and your father for all the rest of your lives. Once you decide, yes, let's get rid of it, then it is only a matter of finding an opportunity. If he is with you now, maybe this is that opportunity.
One last thing: don't just go in cold and blurt it out. Think about it and review what will have to be discussed. He will want to know how bad the abuse was and will immediately conclude you were raped. If that wasn't the case, then he needs to know. He will be concerned how long this went on: was it one time or something that continued for years. He isn't prying; as your father these things will jump to his mind immediately. He just needs to know what the scale of the problem is.
Parents aren't prepared for this kind of news, so be prepared for a big emotional reaction at first. He may ask questions that to you, as a survivor, may seem offensive. For example he may ask why you didn't say no. Give him a break; he is just blurting out whatever comes to his mind.
You will also have to be prepared to comfort him, even though you are disclosing for your own benefit. He will think this is all his fault and that he should have protected you.
Your post wasn't a ramble, but this one surely is! It could go on forever, but as I said, a lot of what needs to be thought about is already in that thread where Jasper and I discussed this. I hope this is of some use to you. You can see, I think, how I would handle this, but you really do need to call this one yourself and do what you think is best.
Take care, my friend, and good luck,
Larry
