to tell family?

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to tell family?
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ak

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I try earlier to tell my parents of this. I start to tell my father some what happen, and he get very angry with me, he say I am gay, he say I let this happen. Then my therapist try help me to talk with him some of it, and he be angry that I am in therapy, because that is for crazy peoples.

I want be able to tell them, he and my mom at least, of what happen, of why it affect me now. I also need tell them of what is happening right now with me, physicaly. I was thinking to do it in letter, so that I can think more how to say it, and so that I do not tell it to him and then get upset with how he react. But I am not sure how to say it. I am not sure how much to say.

I guess I just want advice. I know that lot people here have talk about what happen to them to family or other people importent to them. What you say, how much you tell them? How do you make it so they know it not your fault?

I miss my family. I don't want lose my family. But right now, I don't feel I have them at all.

andrei
 
Andrei,

I have no help to offer here because I have no family to tell. But I will pray that your mother and father will understand how much you love and need them, whatever way you finally tell them.

Marc
 
Andrei:
Some families are supportive and put the blame where it belongs, on the perpetrator. Some families can't accept it because it may reflect on their inability to protect the child so they have to blame the child for being in the wrong place or not running away or not fighting off the larger person. Some families have cultural beliefs that make sexual abuse unacceptable, regardless of the circumstances. (Think of how in many cultures, females who are rape victims are shunned or worse.)

It may be that your family is blaming you for one of the reasons mentioned above. What is really important is that you have the support of people at this site who REALLY know the truth about sexual abuse. It was not your fault!

Ken
 
Andrei I have nothing to add but to support what Ken has said.

((((((((((((((((((ANDREI)))))))))))))))))))))

P.S. I think it only relates to your father and not to your mother and siblings.
 
Andrie,

Wanting to be able to share this with you parents is natural. But you must accept that you may not ever able to get the support from them that you have the right to expect. Before you open up to them, think about what it is that you really want to gain from letting them know. It is a risk to tell them. Is what you could gain worth the risk?

Do what is best for you.

Aden
 
Only you can make the decision on whether to tell them, and how much. I know that it has been met with resistence in past, and only you can know how resistence or denial of it will affect you right now. YOU are the important one. Whether they know or don't know, YOU are important. I do think that the health issues, that they should be shared. And I think your family would be more supportive of you in that. For some reason, it seems that physical illness is not seen as the weakness as 'mental illness' (depression, PTSD, anxiety, whatever) is. They would probably be more supportive of you right now for that. And I know you are wanting that. I wish you luck, and will support you with whatever you choose to do.

leosha
 
Andrei,

We have talked before about these matters and how much you should tell your family or not. I don't know who mentioned it above, but I do believe it is your father you need to deal with that is causing you this indecision. YOur father's beliefs are strong. Perhaps it is because of fear that someone truly did hurt his son. Perhaps he just does not know how to deal with it. Or perhaps he is stubborn and will not see things the way you and all of us do. Andrei what happened to you is not your fault. It never was.

I do believe, as Leosha, that you should talk to them about your medical condition. It is important that they know. It is a serious condition that is being treated and I don't believe that you should be dealing with this alone.

The truth is Andrei, you are not alone. You have me, and everyone here at this site. We will support you in all of your decisions. We will be here if you fall so we can catch you. We will be here when you worry and are scared to face your issues.

Andrei, you are the most important person in this situation. YOu must do what is right for you. You must do what is right for your health. You need to stay strong. If telling your family is going to bring you down and weaken you, perhaps you should wait until you are stronger. You need all the strength you can get right now. Lean on your friends. That is what we are here for.

Please take care of yourself. You are in my prayers as always.

((((((((((andrei))))))))))))
 
andrei,

i agree with what ken said on possible outcomes.

i will tell my sister in brother at the right time and place. they live in fla, i amin nc.
they will understand me so much better when i finally do it. i only came out with this four months ago. i think my brother will help me find my abuser. he is a computer whiz and is on line all the time, if anyone can, he will. my sister will cry but will love me un-conditionally.

i will not tell my parents. they are too old and fragile, will blame themselves and maybe me a bit for letting it happen some out of their guilt or be pissed for not telling them then. i am also afraid my dad may have a heart attack and/or go after my abuser or send his younger friend after him.

you know your family best. think what is best for you, not them. but be careful and be prepared for anything.

best of luck.

take care, guy
 
I just wanted to post back on here, to say I am very proud of you for talking to them at least of the health issues. It is not so much 'they deserve to know'. It is more that YOU deserve their support. I hope you feel it.

Leosha
 
Confronting family is a major issue with me too. It is good for one Main Reason - putting the shame and guilt on the abuser and OFF your shoulders. My advice, after many mistakes confronting my family, is to do it once, do it firmly and do it in writing.

BE PREPARED; prepare yourself for how you will feel in the worst case scenarios ie: if they REFUSE to respond, or (worse) if they try to put the blame back on you. Let them know exactly what you expect from them, all the while realizing you may probably not get it from them...but don:t let that stop you from asking! I advise *in writing* cos it documents what was said and the family cannot give the excuse 3 years into healing *Oh, now this is NEW information*...black and white puts it straight from the getgo.

ALSO; decide how little you are willing to accept from them before you might decide not to continue relating to them...Confrontation is potentially dangerous, especially if you suffer from PTSD, since the family:s insensitive reaction could put you in a spiral of depression and isolate you. Keep relating to us here, and/or get some support from a friend or therapist and have them proof read your letter (or practice your in-person confrontation, if you prefer). You are on a slippery slope here and we all want to believe Family will think of what:s best for us, but Abuse is notorious for making people think only of themselves. I may have lost my family thru confrontation, so this is not a small matter for your consideration. I wish you the utmost strength with a little luck. Come back here if you need to.
 
Andrei,

I did not know you spoke to your family of your health problems. I am so very proud of you. You deserve their support in this. You have been through so much pain, it is not right that you do it without their support. I pray they help you through this. And I pray that your father will someday understand what else has happened without denying anything. You know who you are. I know who you are.

I am so proud of you.

Shawn
 
Things I have told my family (in reverse order):

1994: I have AIDS.
1990: I am HIV-positive.
1981: I am gay.

As painful as it is I have not shared my sexual abuse with my family, other than a passing mention to my brother and a sister back in the '80s and - more recently - a cousin who works in Family Services.

I often wonder how my Dad would have reacted. It's too late now. All I know is that he loved me before, during and after all the other disclosures.

Mom is 74 now. She knows about everything but the sexual abuse - even physical abuse perp'd by a family friend (my teacher). But this...now...I think it would be more than she could handle. Even if it wasn't, it's more than I can handle just imagining "What if she knew...?"

If we were all 20 years younger, maybe, but we aren't. That's my perspective.

Kenn
 
I miss my family. I don't want lose my family. But right now, I don't feel I have them at all.


Above your quote

My parents died early; never confronted or told them: I was'abused while in Catholic school, long ago so no "settlement" as those that did such are gone.

"FamilY" is more than Parents: OK that "family of man" stuf, but it is true. Friends good friends
become ones family.

I have a loving wife for decades who has stayed with me: she is family, I support, sponsor cildren of employees and from my church as to college and such: family: I know I was likley "gay" but was "asexual" my entire adult life.

I almost killed my father when I got back from Vietnam, did two tours, just tossed a plate of pasta in his face,

Wanted so much to have a family: have one sister. Do all I can and she knows and suspected.

This place here in cyberspace can help, can heal, may open doors that you never dreamed of.

I live in my real world and a fantasy world that
I created. I write stories about abused boys in historical context. I live in these places. My therapist is well thinking that for me that is "ok".

Sometimes a healer sometimes a peeler (Welsh words for "cop") I wish I could have talked to my father; but he just got a plate of pasta......

RockyMountainJoe
 
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