To share or not to share?

[StrangerInAStrangeLand]

My memories and feelings about my SA have been on my mind more and more lately, and it's what prompted me to find this niche of cyberspace. But, it's still only text. I'd rather talk to real people. But where to turn? A girl that I barely know at my school asked me today what was wrong. I was lost in despair, and she could see it. I refused to tell her, but she kept prodding(it was like she actually cared!) I told her that it was personal, that I'd be okay. I wanted to tell her so bad, but I don't feel safe telling anyone who I can't trust explicitly. What if she told her friends? How would she react? She would probably pull away, frightened by getting more than she bargained for. Then she would be left with my secret, free to do whatever she pleased with it. Why is this so hard? Am I paranoid? Has anyone here experienced positive results by being open about their experience? What should I do? If I don't want to tell her, what should I say if she talks to me again? Sorry about all the questions, but I'm feeling a little confused right now.

 

[outis]

I'd rather talk to real people. But where to turn?

I know what you mean. I love the brothers here, but I need to talk to people, face to face, sometimes. I use 12 Step groups for that.

A girl that I barely know at my school asked me today what was wrong. I was lost in despair, and she could see it. I refused to tell her, but she kept prodding(it was like she actually cared!) I told her that it was personal, that I'd be okay. I wanted to tell her so bad, but I don't feel safe telling anyone who I can't trust explicitly. What if she told her friends? How would she react?

If you really think there's a good chance that she would tell friends, as in break your confidence or gossip, then she's not the person to tell at this time.

It is scary, because you can never know in advance how someone will react. She might be someone who cares.

She would probably pull away, frightened by getting more than she bargained for. Then she would be left with my secret, free to do whatever she pleased with it. Why is this so hard?

It's hard because you're considering baring the pain the ripped your soul. Pretty personal stuff. Keeping it inside will not work, though. It is possible that she would be frightened. We've all felt that no one could possibly bear to know about what happened to us. That's not quite true, though. People that haven't lived it might not understand, but there are people who care enough to stand by us.

Am I paranoid?

Doesn't sound like paranoia to me. Sounds like someone with a terrible hurt trying to be careful about being hurt again. In that light, it sounds pretty much like a survivor. Me, for instance.

Has anyone here experienced positive results by being open about their experience?

I have only told my wife, my therapist (after my wife let the T know I was "hiding something") and the people at the SIA meeting I attend. I got a great sense of relief when I posted my story ("What I Can Write") here, more than when I talked with anyone. Not sure why that was, 'cause I still feel the need to talk in person, too. You can read what I wrote:
https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=10;t=000080

Breaking the silence to my wife last year started me on the journey to recovery. It can be a very difficult task at times, probably more than I have yet realized. But I spent a long time solidifying terrible habits. I don't want those habits in my life anymore. Hell, I didn't want them before, but I didn't know/wouldn't admit where they came from.

It's a positive experience because I began to learn that my life doesn't have to be shitty.

Survivors of Incest Anonymous (SIA) is a 12 Step group something like AA, but for people recovering from effects of sexual abuse. And they define incest very broadly. In one of the recovery books I have, the "Resources" section in the back says that SIA merged with Sexual Abuse Anonymous into a single group, so you don't have to be dealing with abuse by a blood relative or anything.

You can look for a meeting in your area by calling the office at (410) 893 3322.

What should I do? If I don't want to tell her, what should I say if she talks to me again? Sorry about all the questions, but I'm feeling a little confused right now.

When you're ready to tell someone, you will. Perhaps this girl, perhaps someone else. Don't force yourself to do something that you feel isn't in your best interest.

You will need to find someone, perhaps a school counselor? Do you have a relative whom you trust? Are there any of the friends that know what happened to you that you feel are trustworthy?

In the meantime, keep coming here.

Thanks,

Joe

 

[StrangerInAStrangeLand]

Thanks for taking all my thoughts seriously. I have told people about my SA before(my 2 best friends, my mother, and police). But, it still feels like I'm alone sometimes. My friends were supportive when I told them, but I know they are not comfortable thinking about so I don't bring it up. As far as they're concerned, it never happened, and I don't remind them of it because I feel like I am burdening them with something they can't handle or understand.
I know that they keep secrets from me and never come to me with their problems. They are not mature as I am, and they don't really know how to talk about their emotions. That is why I enjoy talking to women. I find that they can often be more supportive, more willing to listen, and more empathetic then guys. There's no way I'll talk to a school counseler. Not that I'm interested in therapy, but school counselers in this suburbian nightmare tend to be underexperienced, niave, by-the-chicken-soup-book psychobabblists who won't respect your confidance and immediately go to an administrator, their best friend, the neighbors kid, and your mom with your secrets without bothering to inform you. Where is this SIA? Are there a lot of men there, or young people? I don't think I'd feel comfortable being the only male in the room, or the only person who wasn't abused by their mother or uncle. Thanks again for helping.

 

[The Dean]

Hi again Chris,

It is good you have talked to the police about your ordeal.

You do need to talk to a well trained counselor with experise in CSA or PTSD at least. A good therapist can help you. It will be hard work for you, but you are young enough that the harm done to you can be somewhat neautralized.

A school counselor would not be trained to counsel you in a matter like this. Many counselors would not be so trained. But some are. There is a T out there that helps with our retreats. I will look up where he is. I do not know where you live--are you near Olympia? I thik there is a medical school there and they might well have someoone trained in treated victims of sexual violence.

Bob

 

[outis]

Chris,

SIA is all over the place. The list of meetings I have received from them is for MD, DC, DE, and VA.
Their office is understaffed, but if you leave a message on their machine, they say they will call back collect. I considered calling them with a $5.00 calling card number that they could use, so that they could call even when I wasn't here to accept the charges. I don't know if they'd do that, but it might be worth a shot. Eventually I just sent them some money and a self addressed stamped envelope with a request for info on meetings. (They ask for $2 for a basic information packet.)

I am not the only guy in the group that I attend. I don't think you'd be very likely to find many people as young as yourself who are working on their SA issues. Though it's not impossible (you're the proof), it is unlikely. One of the books I read, maybe "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew, said that many SA victims wait until their 30's and beyond because it finally feels safe enough to address.

You are really amazingly courageous. God, how I wish I had your kind of bravery when I was younger.

I have a phone list from the group with way more names than I've met. There are quite a few guys on the list, but I've only been to two meetings so far. I'm the only one so far who was abused by someone not a blood relative, and I admit sometimes that makes me feel out of place. But I finally realize I have to get help. There is no other option.

You know, your school might list staff credentials on the web somewhere, for the school or the school system itself. That might let you get some insight into whether there's a counselor with advanced training.

Another option might be a rape crisis center. Even a volunteer at a battered women's shelter might know about the kind of resources that are available for both male & female victims. I had considered calling a local women's shelter about the time I found SIA.

You're on the right track. Keep looking, keep working, keep hoping.

It sounds like Bob might be able to help you some more. Follow up with him.

Thanks,

Joe