to much pain

to much pain
L

lipsticklullabies

Registrant
i could deal with what he did to me.
OR
i could deal with being gay.
OR
i could deal with the way my family treats me.
OR
i could deal with having ocd.
OR
i could deal with the deaths of so many of my friends.

OR being the keyword
i can not deal with all of this.
im in so much pain, and my mom doesn't care. she causes half of it
i cant even explain the way she treats me, its abuse, yeah but its unbelievible. she twists things, there is no way i can make her happy, there is no way around getting in trouble.

this post isn't really about "what happened" even though thats what this site is about, i just dont have anywhere else to go that i feel safe.
and i think it sucks that the only place i feel safe is an internet website, as aposed to with my family, my home, my room or anything like that.
i just wish that she could really love me
she says she does but if she did why would she do these things to me?
i think, she loves me because im her kid but she doesn't like who i am, and doenst like or love me as just a person. the only reason she loves me is because im part of her, and that just shows how selfish she is.
i wish that i could feel better. i hate the two things that make me feel better, one is painting, and i hate that because its something she "gave" me and taught me, and the other thing i wish i didnt have to do because it hurts my friends and i know its not healthy but, i cant control it. and i dont really wanna stop because it DOES make me feel better.
ugh i dont know
//josh
 
I'm sorry you are going through so much pain. You deserve to be loved for who you are and it's sad your mother can't do much for you.

It's hard at times to see that we can't rely on others to give us the things we really need like peace and self-love. If only such and such had loved me or if only such and such hadn't happened. I think of these things all the time. The fact is they happened and we can't change that but we can change ourselves. Nobody has power over that unless we give it to them.

We can't please everyone in the end so ultimately we have to be okay to just be who we are. If they don't like it we don't have to hate ourselves for it nor act like someone else--that's their problem.

From my own experience I've found I can be in terrible pain at times yet still be at peace. Even if I have no friends, a low income, and have to deal with CSA, PTSD, and depression, those are not me. Those are my situations.

May you find inner peace my friend.

Jesse
 
CSA, bi-polar, PTSD, Gay....so many gifts. Was there no one else in line? Those are mine, by the way. I do have people close to me who love me though, Josh, and that is probably the most important one. I'm sorry your mom doesn't like you for who you are. Anyone who can say the things you have just said and the way you said them is very sensitive. Don't take someone else's lack on as your own. I did that with my dad and never did get over it. He was the one who had the problem, and I was the one who took on the blame. I felt that he didn't love me because I was unlovable. Children often come to that conclusion when they get no love from their parents.

If it helps any, this is where I come, or try to, at the end of a hard day of living. It truly is a place of safety and of love and of caring.

Everyone deserves to be loved for who they are. That's the place that we all should get to start from. That's what our parents should give us. We should understand from the start that their love for us is unconditional and will always be there. That's what the rest of life is built on. I am loved. No matter what else happens to me, I know that I am loved. And you never quite get over it if that's missing. You're loved here, Josh, unconditionally, because we all understand what it means not to be. And what I'm finding is that the safety and love that I feel here is something that I can build on and take little by little with me into that not so safe world.

You've got a lot to deal with. I really don't know how young people with all the problems that are built into that transitional period are able to deal in addition with the problems that are built into coping with abuse. All of you have my complete admiriation, and any help I am able to give. This is a safe place. It's a good place. It can help. I'm so sorry about what you're going throughm Josh, I really am. Bobby
 
Josh,

I too am sorry about the pain in your life. It just plain sucks. No child or teen should ever have to experience the things you have. I'd wave my magic wand and make it all better for you if I could.

I'm glad you have this place to come to where you feel safe. I also have made this place a refuge. A place where people understand because they've experienced the same things I have. I like what Bobby says about it. It's a place where I can learn that I really am OK and accepted, and where I can take what I've learned out into the world and put it into practice.

I also admire the fact that you have said how you feel here. There is real healing available to you when you do that. I'd encourage you to continue interacting here. It may take some time, but if you continue being honest with yourself here, the time will come when you notice things aren't quite as painful as they once were.

Hang in there Josh, because you are worth it.

Lots of love,

John
 
( ( ( ( ( (((((JOSH))))) ) ) ) ) )

I feel for you. What you are going through sounds overwhelming to me. Just know that you are welcome to come here and post any time you wish and know that there are people here who care.

Love ya

Darrel
 
Josh, my father is the same way, have to try and stop trying to get her to love you. If she doesn't, that's her problem not yours. It's her loss... I know it hurts but you can't make her change. You're overwhelmed, been there... one thing at a time one day at a time...
Jay
 
Josh,
If you are gay you are gay. Accepting that could be part of your healing process. I have gay friends and I wouldn't trade them for a million bucks.
My dad was different than your mom. He was too into me, my body, my sports. There was no getting away from him. I wanted to please him through sports (I wrestled), and as I performed well and received scholarships, it never fully satisyed him (in my eyes anyway).
My dad hit me when I was in my teens. I wouldn't call it abuse, he would lose his temper. He was a bar owner and drinks often. He used to be a boxer. My brothers and I feared him, but we had each other. I am the youngest. I never new my mother, she left soon after I was born. I saw pictures of her, she is beautiful.
I believe your mother loves you on some level. You must remember, her affection will not be there if SHE is going through some mess emotionally. I guess family counceling is out?
When my friend came out of the closet to us, we supported him and nothing changed in my relationship to him. He is still part of our group of friends who go camping a get crazy. He said his friends and School teachers really helped him out. When he told me, I hugged him and told him I love him. It was weird but great. He held me and cried a bit. I cried too. He said it was a relief to tell his friends because it was inside him for so long. Talk about male bonding. I held him and told him he makes me proud.
I hope that you find a support system with friends, school, and different people. Please do not do drugs if you are medicated for OCD. I am sorry your mom is not warm and kind to you. I am sorry you lost friends. I have lost friends too. I miss them today.
Sorry for the ramble.
Jake
 
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