To lie or not to lie, that is the question.

As some of you may know, I live and work in japan.

This question I face daily.I have recently been telling the truth more and more.

The Japanese people are very family orientated and are also curious. They also have some strange ideas about honesty.

Remember I am a teacher who from Monday will be teaching students between 12 and 18 years old.

Im not talking about students. I am talking about other Japanese teachers of English and other subjects.

Now then, my question is how should I deal with the questions like "What does your father do?"

Japanese men work till they die. My wifes grandfather is 85 and still works full time on a farm 7 days a week.

I want to be honest and tell them he is in prison and why. But I cant. I have done this in the past and resulted in my being treated like an outcast.

Recently I told 4 women I know, 2 now ignore me.

In Japan its often considered more honorable to just ignore something that to put ones foot in it by saying the wrong thing.

How can I forge a good relationship with my co-workers when I am having to lie to them?

Should I lie or find vailed ways to cover the truth?

Any advice greatly appreciated.

 

[roadrunner]

JZ,

I know how you feel here. My wife is Lebanese and very Westernized; she knows all about my abuse issues and is an important source of encouragement and support.

But I would never be able to tell her family, although we all get along very well. There is no real awareness of CSA issues in the Middle East, and to admit that one had been sexually abused would be a matter of tremendous shame. Very few people would understand points like: "The abuser was an adult and I was 11".

In areas like this where there would be definite misfires as the information passes from one culture to another, I think it is not the responsibility of one person (like you or me) to try to restructure how the host society views things. Sometimes it is as important to avoid causing confusion and harm as to tell the truth.

If I were in your situation I would just say that my father has passed away. And in some sense that would be true. Do the Japanese get curious about details in such a case? If so you would have to have back-up details to hand and stick to them no matter who you tell.

Again, I would stress that it is not our task to try to challenge an entire society. How Japan (or Lebanon) ultimately comes to terms with CSA will emerge from indigenous trends and ideas, not from guys like us coming from outside.

Much love,
Larry

 

[John Oarc]

The truth is always the best policy, that is what I think. However, people do not always have the right to know everything about you. The truth would be "I would rather not say" if you would rather not say.

I put it like this in a meeting one time. The presenter said, "Some times we need to tell people what they want to hear, like your wife asking if the dress she has on looks good on her, you should reply yes." I told him that I would tell the truth, she might not look good, a friend at the party could let her know this, tell people what they want to hear usually backfires on you, if she loves me I expect her to let me answer with the truth, if she does not like my answer, why ask the question. I rambled but I hope it helped. I face off with the truth every day like most people, but my challenge is billing for services that may or may not be questionable from the Medicare Standpoint.

Take care man,

 

[RICK57]

You could say that 'he was not a good man, and I don't care to speak of him'.

I used to work for a Japanese Company, and I don't think the majority of Japanese people would push it further!?

Best wishes ...Rik

 

[Hauser]

I suggest that you seek advice from other Americans that are living there in Japan. Many westerners have great insite to the culture that is very different from ours.

I don't have a clue what to tell you dude.

I've learned a lot about Japan from this guy, an American that lives in Tokyo. There are sooo many seemingly crazy nuances to the Japanese culture, you may have stepped on 50 unspoken rules just by speaking badly about your father, no matter how justified it was.

Personally though, I would not find it necessary to talk to my co-workers about the abuse that had effected me. I don't feel that they're equiped to understand. Not only that, but it would explain the many strange things that make up my personality and I would always feel like they would think of me as "damaged goods" or something , Hell I don't know.

Hey, perhaps you should consider WHERE you're telling them, and what the setting is. If it's at one of your co-workers houses after work and you're relaxing over some sake, well, maybe they're be more inclined to understand you and not feel compelled to maintain some level of professionalism etc.

Hey, how about, if they ever ask about you Dad again, to simply give them a copy of your story, as it was printed in those U.K. newspaper articles. I would be assuming that they could read English so nevermind.

 

Thanks guys, you've all given me something to use if needed.

I think Rick is closest to the button though, they would never ask more, specially if I load my voice with the utter contempt I have for my father.

And Hauser, I do have several copies ready, stapled together should I need them. Recently Ive used them for example with my bank (HSBC).

When they write and ask "why didnt you pay your credit card bill" I send them a copy and scribble on the top "read this, does that answer your question?"