To Forgive God
tommyb
Registrant
(a chapter)
__________
(night)
"Didn't like what I saw."
"Why did you put a period after it?" Brodie says in his Bloody Maddy, rural swagger. His face seems recovering. It's recovered some before ... He's been forced clean before ... during lockup, law-enforced, bars included. It's been two months now ... the boy ... that good one, me now ... no alcohol. Two suicide attempts, six weeks apart, within the two months. The last one came close, staved off by a forty-eight pill Hail Mary, last minute. Then sobbing in the ER. Least 'didn't get as far as Googling the VA pills in the cabinet ...
Maybe he's used to my despondency(?) ... silence ... 'Turned my head to the side as he pulled a critically-thinking drag from his cigarette, his brown eyes two empaths. 'Turned the boy's head to the side, in blank-minded silence.
"Then what did you do?"
__________
(morning)
"Sometimes the things you don't want to do," he says. "Are the things we most need to do," he continues in his booming baritone. His street moniker remains 'wide' as opposed to obese, retired football pro instead of college. He's been recovering for fifteen years.
"You'll find loneliness a very common reason [for relapse and recovery]. And boredom."
"The best thing in life is life."
"This ain't a movie. Your life is at stake."
"You were violently sexually assaulted by a man," she says. "At three years old," she continues. "And you were classically autistic almost certainly by neglect."
" ...'Know..."
She has a soft, clipped speaking voice, confidentially intelligent. Her lack of height makes her seem even younger. She lacks the too-young-to-be-a-therapist vibe. One could lay on a couch like Woody Allen, her wealth of certain knowledge the 'unpacker.'
"Sometimes it's the journey that reveals the destination," he says.
"You came full circle at twenty-one," she says. "...Innocent eyed. You saw through all man-made things and that there was nothing new under the sun--"
"--'Didn't grow up damages goods--"
"--Your hand shook for six months."
"Sometimes I am doing better than I feel," he says. "No feeling is final. That's why they call it the present moment."
"No matter how much your ducks are in a row. You're going to deal with life on life's terms."
'Been watching the old Newsradio episodes, listening to them through headphones like in God's Country, secret Seinfeld appointment radio. 'Been piano playing the music of them good old days, church hymns meeting the spiritual affliction of Southern Appalachian blues on the chapel's Kawaii. It always makes one want to call Dawn. How can one miss the same relatives 'had to escape in the dead of night, finally, successfully ...
"A big thing for me," he continues. "Was getting out of my own way ... It takes what it takes. That's the mystery of the process ... Pain shared is pain lessened ... I find the more I know, the more I realize how much I don't know ... I want yaw to sow these tears for tears of joy ... I learned to approach life like a man ..."
__________
(morning)
"Congratulations," it says, maybe three months ago. "Five years."
To have earned such respect. Seems a new phase in life. The five-year pin didn't scare. Like the general store's. Long ago, when 'was twenty-three. Has it been almost twenty years ... 'Avoided the intel, instead. 'Swear it's one's thirties that fly by, including a hard-fought pandemic, suppose, part of it, while one's forties has this depth, acceptance, sense of humor. If keep thin and fit and wear the beanie, 'get carded; maybe there's a breadth. A suicide day at least makes itself known and desperate, unlikely options for a legal upper become important, relevant, even kind of stupid, maybe. Anything to avoid the actual suicidal: competent, capable, does his research, cleans the apartment, catches up laundry and dishes, leaves the door cracked. First one checks the savings account, then one agrees to lock up, moderate, one month. It remains important to keep most of the money, the truck money.
"... The job needs to get done," he says, while she nods. "... Americans are do do do. It's how are you doing instead of how are you feeling ..."
"It's just the baseball field in God's Country, all around," has been the first abstract thought for twenty years. It's why 'like to wear baseball caps. "It's just the baseball field."
For ten years now, it's been: It's just Willahford and Royal on the baseball field. Willahford has his blindspot, Keep Him Alive. Royal's permanently half blind, not innocent eyed when he crossed the line, but 'am not required. Between Royal and the boy it's always been Ron and Harry Potter, on the baseball field.
"It's just the baseball field. All around."
__________
(alcohol)
Everyone told you to stay away from me. Yeah, I staved off the lucid nightmares. Wouldn't people say, "Wow. You drink fast." And you had a youngin's pride in it. Everyone commented red flags. Could've told you myself. I owned your sleep. I took your sleep away. You come from heavy stuff -- you met God's Country? -- You had to beat up Shaq just to save him. Don't nobody last five minutes in God's Country but you, to this day. You come from heavy stuff. How does one tell a youngin that. What was you thinking. You don't even know you're still a youngin, in this world. You got your soul to keep at twenty-one and knew you were eternal now, your original soul forever. Yeah, I'll kill you. Don't let me. Yeah, when you didn't want to drown, you reached for me. I had you. Long back when. Let me go.
(pills)
I saved you. I make you wonder God's opinion of me. Why is it you play the piano now as if you don't come from heavy, like none of it happened. Same fingers as the boy, digits with all Mozart Twelve Variations muscle-memorized but you couldn't play without me. Even the piano be disappointed. I sped up your slow, falling-behind brain, Forest Gump. Bet Gump would've had a normal later-life if he'd had access to me. Forest Gump meets the Color Purple meets August Osage's usually all's you's got to say 'bout your classic American boyhood, adult six feet unders and all. How would you be without me, if not for me. Even more of a robot. Everyone would think you're homosexual but for me. I gave you access to the present moment, 'stead of your robot ways. Yeah, you look at yourself straight. You see straight. But you couldn't feel a thing. Not without me, then, that's for sure to the point you would've forgotten how altogether. Play the piano now and tell me otherwise. Now's you can play whether me involved or not, just as good. REmember post-deployment? Don't worry. You don't need me anymore. I know you will honor me like you honor your dead. Let me go.
__________
(poem)
'Know 'am in God's plan.
Without choice.
Others are human.
'Most important to fit in.
Think together not the same.
He does like to throw into the deep end.
'Am treated like the hardy horse.
__________
"Your head is a dangerous neighborhood. Don't go alone."
"Not feeling good enough, or comparing yourself to others, are signs of low self-esteem."
"Each man represents every man before him. Including the heroes."
"Be Still. So as to hear the whispers of God."
"I have guilt because I care about being a good person. It's actually a sign of integrity."
"I'm not the person I am when I'm sober."
"The paradox of depression is focusing on it, instead of more suppression, makes it go away."
"Lucid nightmares are trying to reconnect oneself with those feelings of intense urgency and pressure that were once true in real life."
"Paranoid schizophrenia: The real world is too dangerous for acknowledgement. It's a defense mechanism. I personally believe there are no limits to healing. Even schizophrenia."
"See your body as your best friend and confidant, looking out for you. A bout of depression is not punishment. Your body is trying to tell you something. For your benefit."
"It's time to realize you have more inside of you than the ebb and flow of life."
"Every individual remains more powerful than what's going on with them."
"Some patterns are intergenerational."
"There's many paths to salvation. The college professor said. Your job is to help them find theirs."
"Remember: You don't have to row that boat alone."
"Gratitude can be a practice."
"Virtue is to live a morally pure, excellent life."
"I had to forgive myself. Not beat myself up."
"It's hard work."
"Feelings are a part of wisdom."
"Emotion: Energy that wants to get into motion."
"What's going on inside should be seen as a blessing. Not f_cking anxiety, loneliness, boredom, rawness..."
"Newton's Law: Energy cannot be created or destroyed."
"Honor there's no time machine. Honor the necessities of the past. Honor the emotions."
"Disassociation is a survival instinct."
"Having an emotion is never a problem. The handling can be."
"Compassion is passion."
"True laughter contains no fear."
"Connection is the opposite of addiction."
"This is my community." [NA] [AA] [Recovery Dharma] [Celebrate Recovery] [etcetera]
"We only keep what we have by giving it away."
"Substances did for me what I couldn't do for myself. Then there was a turn."
"I had to learn to join the human race."
"I was so socially fragile in the beginning."
"We don't shoot our wounded."
"Everything you want to be you already are, because it's already inside you. Your 'want-to-be-like' is part of your identity, its specificity. It's part of your identity, who you are, their way concerning this or that. Not the person." -- Royal.
Classic Greek quote: "The more we step to the edge of what we know. To the edge of the light. We only know two things: We'll step on something solid, or suddenly learn to fly."
__________
(August, Osage County, 2013)
Violet Weston, Meryl Streep: "I thought we were having a funeral dinner. Not a cockfight."
Karen Weston: "That's one thing about mom and dad. You gotta tip your hat to anybody who can stay married that long."
Barabara Weston, Julia Roberts: "Karen, he killed himself."
Barbara: "They're called Native Americans, Mom."
Violet: "Who makes that decision?"
Barbara: "It's what they like to be called."
Violet: "They aren't anymore native than me."
Barbara: "In fact, they are!"
Violet: "What's wrong with Indian?"
Barbara: "Why can't you just call people what they want to be called?"
Violet: "Let's just call the dinosaurs Native Americans while we're at it."
Violet: "Soon you'll be gone, never to return."
Barbara: "Don't start with me!"
Violet: "Your father, you broke his heart when you moved away."
Barbara: "That is wildly unfair."
Violet: "You were Beverly's favorite. You know that?"
Barbara: "I'd prefer to think my parents loved their children equally."
Violet: "I'm sure you prefer to think Santa Claus brought you presents too."
Barbara Weston: "This mad house is my home."
Bill Fordham [husband]: "Yeah, think about that statement for a second."
Barbara: "Three days ago I identified my father's corpse. And now I'm supposed to sit here and listen to you viciously attack every member of this family--"
Violet: "--Attack my family? Have you ever been attacked. In your sweet, spoiled life? Tell her about attacks, Mattie Fae. Tell her what an attack looks like! ... Don't tell me to settle down! God-damn-it! I'm not a god-damn invalid. Am I to be abided now? Have I been passed over?! This WOman came to my rescue when one of my mother's many gentleman callers was attacking me with a claw hammer. This woman has dents in her skull from hammer blows. What do you know about attacks?! What do you know about life on these PLAins!!!"
Violet to Mattie Fae, at first: "...This is the crux of the biscuit! We lived to hard, and then we rose to high, we sacrificed everything, we did it all for you. Your father and I the first in our families to graduate high school. And he wound up an award-winning poet. You girls just given a college education. Taken for granted no doubt ... Jesus! if you'd worked as hard as us you'd all be PRESident!"
__________
(morning)
"Oh," she says. "The U.S. Gymnastics team."
Simone Biles. The Goat. The Catholic Priest victims. The Boy Scouts of America. Ostracized, abandoned. The perps protected to the hilt. The story too dark to be true -- in America. It is God's country. She showed vulnerability in Tokyo, the vulnerability of a sexual assault victim with the "twisties." Four years later tenacity's an understatement. Badassery, resiliance, more badassery. Now she's on her way to Paris. Only they debunked the Americans' excuses: they weren't ostracized, abandoned, because they were boys. The U.S. Gymnastics team, concerning -- all female. What's a half-Anunnaki, half-Sasquatch, half-Sasquatch, half-Anunnaki to do. Birthed, harmed, miseducated, lied to, nuked, left for dead, with little memory of what we'd survived. Could we be any more human. 'Tried to prepare her by peppering August Osage, County references. The females of God's Country were mean as skunks with hearts made of flint. By way of comedy, humor, tried not to break her heart, concerning the anecdotes. 'Guess it doesn't take long to piece it all together. She teared up anyway.
"Something to find out," she says. "After all these decades."
__________
__________
(night)
"Didn't like what I saw."
"Why did you put a period after it?" Brodie says in his Bloody Maddy, rural swagger. His face seems recovering. It's recovered some before ... He's been forced clean before ... during lockup, law-enforced, bars included. It's been two months now ... the boy ... that good one, me now ... no alcohol. Two suicide attempts, six weeks apart, within the two months. The last one came close, staved off by a forty-eight pill Hail Mary, last minute. Then sobbing in the ER. Least 'didn't get as far as Googling the VA pills in the cabinet ...
Maybe he's used to my despondency(?) ... silence ... 'Turned my head to the side as he pulled a critically-thinking drag from his cigarette, his brown eyes two empaths. 'Turned the boy's head to the side, in blank-minded silence.
"Then what did you do?"
__________
(morning)
"Sometimes the things you don't want to do," he says. "Are the things we most need to do," he continues in his booming baritone. His street moniker remains 'wide' as opposed to obese, retired football pro instead of college. He's been recovering for fifteen years.
"You'll find loneliness a very common reason [for relapse and recovery]. And boredom."
"The best thing in life is life."
"This ain't a movie. Your life is at stake."
"You were violently sexually assaulted by a man," she says. "At three years old," she continues. "And you were classically autistic almost certainly by neglect."
" ...'Know..."
She has a soft, clipped speaking voice, confidentially intelligent. Her lack of height makes her seem even younger. She lacks the too-young-to-be-a-therapist vibe. One could lay on a couch like Woody Allen, her wealth of certain knowledge the 'unpacker.'
"Sometimes it's the journey that reveals the destination," he says.
"You came full circle at twenty-one," she says. "...Innocent eyed. You saw through all man-made things and that there was nothing new under the sun--"
"--'Didn't grow up damages goods--"
"--Your hand shook for six months."
"Sometimes I am doing better than I feel," he says. "No feeling is final. That's why they call it the present moment."
"No matter how much your ducks are in a row. You're going to deal with life on life's terms."
'Been watching the old Newsradio episodes, listening to them through headphones like in God's Country, secret Seinfeld appointment radio. 'Been piano playing the music of them good old days, church hymns meeting the spiritual affliction of Southern Appalachian blues on the chapel's Kawaii. It always makes one want to call Dawn. How can one miss the same relatives 'had to escape in the dead of night, finally, successfully ...
"A big thing for me," he continues. "Was getting out of my own way ... It takes what it takes. That's the mystery of the process ... Pain shared is pain lessened ... I find the more I know, the more I realize how much I don't know ... I want yaw to sow these tears for tears of joy ... I learned to approach life like a man ..."
__________
(morning)
"Congratulations," it says, maybe three months ago. "Five years."
To have earned such respect. Seems a new phase in life. The five-year pin didn't scare. Like the general store's. Long ago, when 'was twenty-three. Has it been almost twenty years ... 'Avoided the intel, instead. 'Swear it's one's thirties that fly by, including a hard-fought pandemic, suppose, part of it, while one's forties has this depth, acceptance, sense of humor. If keep thin and fit and wear the beanie, 'get carded; maybe there's a breadth. A suicide day at least makes itself known and desperate, unlikely options for a legal upper become important, relevant, even kind of stupid, maybe. Anything to avoid the actual suicidal: competent, capable, does his research, cleans the apartment, catches up laundry and dishes, leaves the door cracked. First one checks the savings account, then one agrees to lock up, moderate, one month. It remains important to keep most of the money, the truck money.
"... The job needs to get done," he says, while she nods. "... Americans are do do do. It's how are you doing instead of how are you feeling ..."
"It's just the baseball field in God's Country, all around," has been the first abstract thought for twenty years. It's why 'like to wear baseball caps. "It's just the baseball field."
For ten years now, it's been: It's just Willahford and Royal on the baseball field. Willahford has his blindspot, Keep Him Alive. Royal's permanently half blind, not innocent eyed when he crossed the line, but 'am not required. Between Royal and the boy it's always been Ron and Harry Potter, on the baseball field.
"It's just the baseball field. All around."
__________
(alcohol)
Everyone told you to stay away from me. Yeah, I staved off the lucid nightmares. Wouldn't people say, "Wow. You drink fast." And you had a youngin's pride in it. Everyone commented red flags. Could've told you myself. I owned your sleep. I took your sleep away. You come from heavy stuff -- you met God's Country? -- You had to beat up Shaq just to save him. Don't nobody last five minutes in God's Country but you, to this day. You come from heavy stuff. How does one tell a youngin that. What was you thinking. You don't even know you're still a youngin, in this world. You got your soul to keep at twenty-one and knew you were eternal now, your original soul forever. Yeah, I'll kill you. Don't let me. Yeah, when you didn't want to drown, you reached for me. I had you. Long back when. Let me go.
(pills)
I saved you. I make you wonder God's opinion of me. Why is it you play the piano now as if you don't come from heavy, like none of it happened. Same fingers as the boy, digits with all Mozart Twelve Variations muscle-memorized but you couldn't play without me. Even the piano be disappointed. I sped up your slow, falling-behind brain, Forest Gump. Bet Gump would've had a normal later-life if he'd had access to me. Forest Gump meets the Color Purple meets August Osage's usually all's you's got to say 'bout your classic American boyhood, adult six feet unders and all. How would you be without me, if not for me. Even more of a robot. Everyone would think you're homosexual but for me. I gave you access to the present moment, 'stead of your robot ways. Yeah, you look at yourself straight. You see straight. But you couldn't feel a thing. Not without me, then, that's for sure to the point you would've forgotten how altogether. Play the piano now and tell me otherwise. Now's you can play whether me involved or not, just as good. REmember post-deployment? Don't worry. You don't need me anymore. I know you will honor me like you honor your dead. Let me go.
__________
(poem)
'Know 'am in God's plan.
Without choice.
Others are human.
'Most important to fit in.
Think together not the same.
He does like to throw into the deep end.
'Am treated like the hardy horse.
__________
"Your head is a dangerous neighborhood. Don't go alone."
"Not feeling good enough, or comparing yourself to others, are signs of low self-esteem."
"Each man represents every man before him. Including the heroes."
"Be Still. So as to hear the whispers of God."
"I have guilt because I care about being a good person. It's actually a sign of integrity."
"I'm not the person I am when I'm sober."
"The paradox of depression is focusing on it, instead of more suppression, makes it go away."
"Lucid nightmares are trying to reconnect oneself with those feelings of intense urgency and pressure that were once true in real life."
"Paranoid schizophrenia: The real world is too dangerous for acknowledgement. It's a defense mechanism. I personally believe there are no limits to healing. Even schizophrenia."
"See your body as your best friend and confidant, looking out for you. A bout of depression is not punishment. Your body is trying to tell you something. For your benefit."
"It's time to realize you have more inside of you than the ebb and flow of life."
"Every individual remains more powerful than what's going on with them."
"Some patterns are intergenerational."
"There's many paths to salvation. The college professor said. Your job is to help them find theirs."
"Remember: You don't have to row that boat alone."
"Gratitude can be a practice."
"Virtue is to live a morally pure, excellent life."
"I had to forgive myself. Not beat myself up."
"It's hard work."
"Feelings are a part of wisdom."
"Emotion: Energy that wants to get into motion."
"What's going on inside should be seen as a blessing. Not f_cking anxiety, loneliness, boredom, rawness..."
"Newton's Law: Energy cannot be created or destroyed."
"Honor there's no time machine. Honor the necessities of the past. Honor the emotions."
"Disassociation is a survival instinct."
"Having an emotion is never a problem. The handling can be."
"Compassion is passion."
"True laughter contains no fear."
"Connection is the opposite of addiction."
"This is my community." [NA] [AA] [Recovery Dharma] [Celebrate Recovery] [etcetera]
"We only keep what we have by giving it away."
"Substances did for me what I couldn't do for myself. Then there was a turn."
"I had to learn to join the human race."
"I was so socially fragile in the beginning."
"We don't shoot our wounded."
"Everything you want to be you already are, because it's already inside you. Your 'want-to-be-like' is part of your identity, its specificity. It's part of your identity, who you are, their way concerning this or that. Not the person." -- Royal.
Classic Greek quote: "The more we step to the edge of what we know. To the edge of the light. We only know two things: We'll step on something solid, or suddenly learn to fly."
__________
(August, Osage County, 2013)
Violet Weston, Meryl Streep: "I thought we were having a funeral dinner. Not a cockfight."
Karen Weston: "That's one thing about mom and dad. You gotta tip your hat to anybody who can stay married that long."
Barabara Weston, Julia Roberts: "Karen, he killed himself."
Barbara: "They're called Native Americans, Mom."
Violet: "Who makes that decision?"
Barbara: "It's what they like to be called."
Violet: "They aren't anymore native than me."
Barbara: "In fact, they are!"
Violet: "What's wrong with Indian?"
Barbara: "Why can't you just call people what they want to be called?"
Violet: "Let's just call the dinosaurs Native Americans while we're at it."
Violet: "Soon you'll be gone, never to return."
Barbara: "Don't start with me!"
Violet: "Your father, you broke his heart when you moved away."
Barbara: "That is wildly unfair."
Violet: "You were Beverly's favorite. You know that?"
Barbara: "I'd prefer to think my parents loved their children equally."
Violet: "I'm sure you prefer to think Santa Claus brought you presents too."
Barbara Weston: "This mad house is my home."
Bill Fordham [husband]: "Yeah, think about that statement for a second."
Barbara: "Three days ago I identified my father's corpse. And now I'm supposed to sit here and listen to you viciously attack every member of this family--"
Violet: "--Attack my family? Have you ever been attacked. In your sweet, spoiled life? Tell her about attacks, Mattie Fae. Tell her what an attack looks like! ... Don't tell me to settle down! God-damn-it! I'm not a god-damn invalid. Am I to be abided now? Have I been passed over?! This WOman came to my rescue when one of my mother's many gentleman callers was attacking me with a claw hammer. This woman has dents in her skull from hammer blows. What do you know about attacks?! What do you know about life on these PLAins!!!"
Violet to Mattie Fae, at first: "...This is the crux of the biscuit! We lived to hard, and then we rose to high, we sacrificed everything, we did it all for you. Your father and I the first in our families to graduate high school. And he wound up an award-winning poet. You girls just given a college education. Taken for granted no doubt ... Jesus! if you'd worked as hard as us you'd all be PRESident!"
__________
(morning)
"Oh," she says. "The U.S. Gymnastics team."
Simone Biles. The Goat. The Catholic Priest victims. The Boy Scouts of America. Ostracized, abandoned. The perps protected to the hilt. The story too dark to be true -- in America. It is God's country. She showed vulnerability in Tokyo, the vulnerability of a sexual assault victim with the "twisties." Four years later tenacity's an understatement. Badassery, resiliance, more badassery. Now she's on her way to Paris. Only they debunked the Americans' excuses: they weren't ostracized, abandoned, because they were boys. The U.S. Gymnastics team, concerning -- all female. What's a half-Anunnaki, half-Sasquatch, half-Sasquatch, half-Anunnaki to do. Birthed, harmed, miseducated, lied to, nuked, left for dead, with little memory of what we'd survived. Could we be any more human. 'Tried to prepare her by peppering August Osage, County references. The females of God's Country were mean as skunks with hearts made of flint. By way of comedy, humor, tried not to break her heart, concerning the anecdotes. 'Guess it doesn't take long to piece it all together. She teared up anyway.
"Something to find out," she says. "After all these decades."
__________