To be a child again

To be a child again
R

rax

Registrant
Hi,

We all have had our childhood stolen. At a very early age, our joy, laughter, happiness, innocence and freedom was stolen.

I want it back. I want to be the kid that I was supposed to be.

This may be unusual, but I go out and buy kids toys. If I buy cereal, the minute I get it home, Im searching for the free toy inside.
Im my adult self at the office and when Im meeting people, but ever so often, I become my child
And I also let the kid inside me, come out to play. Im basically a kid when Im with myself or with understanding friends. A really dear friend of mine has been very supportive, and with him, I can be a kid all the time.
This is helping me in some ways and feels theraputic.
Does anybody else do this, or is it just me?
 
My childishness was much more pronounced when I was in college, but there are several lingering signs of it.

1)Of my 20 favorite movies, about half of them are animated movies (though I will fight you on the "kids' movie" label).

2)I had to cut back on my action figure buying, because it was getting too expensive.

3)The most common meal that I will prepare for myself is a bowl of cereal. I stopped eating the "Lucky Charms" type cereals in college, though.

4)My computer is most likely to be used for games, if I'm not surfing the Net (or here).

5)I am seen as the "cool staff" at work, because I take my Playstation 2 into work, to let the kids play.

6)I take great pride in wearing my "Decepticon," "Space Ghost Coast to Coast" and "Nightmare Before Christmas" t-shirts to work. I get more joy, when the kids actually pick out what they're from.

I see one of my greatests gifts that I can give to the kids I work with, is bringing some of that childish joy that I'm sure has been lacking. And sometimes (but its happening more often) I'm reminded of the plain goofy things that kids do, and I want to laugh/cry: at how funny it is, and cuz it melts my heart.

Hmmmmm...

It just occurred to me that, since I had buried my abuse for 24 years, I didn't really have my childhood "stolen" from me in the same way. I still got to have the joys of Little League baseball, camping with my family, playing with my friends, etc. On the other hand, I don't know how silly I really allowed myself to be, when I did those things: I've always seen myself as "more mature" than the other kids around me.

Anyway, the short answer is: Yes, I act like a kid a lot. Despite my long-winded, well thought-out, and erudite answers.

Little J
We're in this together, and stuff.
 
Rax, and J, and all others who read this, you write that you want your childhood back. NO, ME. Unfortunatly for all of us our childhood was STOLEN. Can we have it back? I don't think so. Yes, we can play with toys, do children things, and wish for times back whenever, that they were supposed to be better. However, as the saying goes, "time waits for no one." Things have gotten so bad for me, that when I see problems involving children on the radio, movies, or even on TV, I cry and immediately think of my childhood years, and cry some more. Now, we are in today, and hopefully are trying to change how the public deals with children, children ways, and what they are exposed to. Yes, abuse will continue, but we are trying to DECREASE the act(s). We may think our atempt is small, but then history has shown that even ONE PERSON CAN CHANGE HOW WE DO SOMETHING. As J finished his post, "we are all in this together", I want to add, "and upward." Bosishere
 
Rax,

Yeah, i do that stuff too, alot.

I have several sides of me, some very grown up ones and some little kid ones.

I describe myself as 17 with 30 years experience, i like that much better than being 47.

I used to feel like 9 or 10 inside, now i feel more like 17 or so. So i am growing up slowly but surely, i figure i will be a grown up somewhere around 80 or so, maybe not.

I think getting back to being a kid and making for some of the things we just plain missed out on is a good thing, I know it is good for me. I think of it sometimes as me reparenting myself and helping me grow up.

I am glad your here.

John

[ September 07, 2001: Message edited by: SoCalJohn ]
 
I couldn't relate more to to wanting my childhood back. Sometimes it seems that it is all I can think about, the anger makes my insides hurt. But I do indulge in some of the same things that my 13 year old son enjoys, being a video game addict, and being a generally silly dad at times. I have to say that I am so happy I found this site.
 
thanks for your posting. you have delighted all of us. if still being a child is a side impact of being abused, it may be a good result. enjoy it. others will love you because of it. have fun. be silly. its ok. its good. best, chuck
 
A year ago, shortly after I got back from Mike Lew's Kirkridge retreat, I went out and bought a new motorcycle. I hadn't had one for 18 years and I'd forgotten how much fun it was. For me there is joy in riding on the twisty roads and getting an adrenaline rush when I accelerate out of a corner or down a straightaway. I was always congratulated for being such a "grown up little boy" and for being "so mature for my age". My childhood ended at 12 years old. I had to be so in control of my emotions then, afraid that someone, anyone would find out. You don't have a choice about growing older but you do have a choice about growing up. I think that I need that child like wonder and just plain fun to retain whatever sanity I have left. I waited 40 years for this and I'm enjoying it now.

Steve from Chico
 
I am so glad to read your post rax, as well as the several responses. You are right on target...many of us had our childhood stolen from us. And, as Steve has mentioned, many of us have been praised for being so grown-up and mature and, as a result, we fed off of this and, in a twisted way, unknowingly contributed to the demise of our childhood. Crazy, isn't it?

I know I don't play enough, and I didn't play enough with my kids when they were growing up. Oh, I was there all right....and I was responsible, and I certainly loved them and read them bedtime stories and took care of them and gave them what they needed. But I probably deprived them of ME. Why? I wasn't in therapy or recovery then. I didn't know who I was or what I needed. I was on autopilot and I was doing the "right," mature thing. I think that I never really knew how to play enough as a kid and, therefore, I wasn't able to bring that quality to my own family.

Since I've been on a path of recovery I have indulged myself in more whimsical and kid-like behaviors every now and then. I have a wonderful photo of myself (pre-abuse) that my wife had enlarged several years ago and I have it on my office wall. In the years that I was an elementary school principal I often referred to that photo when I would talk with kids (some of whom were in my office because they needed a come-to-Jesus experience!). It helped me to remember the importance of the child within. (Okay, the fact that it's a black-and-white photo is a dead giveaway....!)

Your post, rax, is a wonderful reminder for me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Dynamite Don
 
Hi,

Felt good to see that a lot of us are in touch with our inner child.
Acting like a child is something I cherish and it makes me happy and cheerful. I can just banish all memories and just live in the moment.
In the cycle of birth, childhood, teens, adulthood, old age and death, Im just completing a step that was left incomplete before. Becuase of the abuse, I matured suddenly, became responsible for my acts and for myself, became extra-cautious and ran far ahead of others, while they were carefree and playing in the sun.

Now, happy days are here again, and Im not going to miss another season!

love
rax.
 
rax, my man,

When you said
Becuase of the abuse, I matured suddenly, became responsible for my acts and for myself, became extra-cautious and ran far ahead of others, while they were carefree and playing in the sun.
Click to expand...
, well, that sums it up for me big-time.

I love it that you are now claiming and embracing LIFE....way to go! You are very wise for your years!!

Dynamite Don

PS....(This is a surrogate dad speaking!) Have you made an appointment with the doctor yet?
 
and i thought i was the only one who felt like this......most days i feel like i'm five......some days i'm 15........but i never feel older.....sometimes in therapy i revert to the 2-3 year old when my abuse began.....i've even reverted to that child-like state on my own.....it terrifies me that i might be permanently caught in that time period.....in other ways, maybe i'd be happier being that innocent and naive again.......i see little boys and my heart breaks......i cry inside and out.......i just want a real life.....mine has been totally destroyed by the abuse.....i'm just trying to find some kind of happiness before i die.....at least i know i did not abuse other children when i seriously thought about it as a teenager.....that is the only thing that has kept my sanity......just think how the bastards that abused us feel.....they must live in torment, i certainly hope they do anyway......if they could only understand the deep tormenting damage they have done to us....i guess they probably do since most abusers were abuse victims as well....but i guess some people can deal with the abuse.....unfortunately, i have not been one of those people.....i've run from the abuse my whole life.....by doing that, i've run from really living.......i know i used to fantasize about being hercules so i would not have to be the slave any more.....the slave that had to perform oral sex......i just thought these memories at 4 meant i was gay.....now i realize the meaning was much deeper......much more cruel.....i still engage in magical thinking.....if only, we could all revert to the age when the abuse began.....and alter what happened.....to dream the impossible dream.......michael ps.... something that has really helped me is to play with my 5-year-old niece.....it allows me to understand her innocence, her love of life....it lets me be a kid again playing candyland, go fish, barbies......maybe this will help me regain a tiny bit of my childhood.....if not, my niece surely knows how much i love her anyway.....
 
Michael,

Something that you said in your post really touched me deeply:
..i see little boys and my heart breaks......i cry inside and out.......i just want a real life....
Click to expand...
I have felt this same feeling on so many occasions...and I thought I was the only person on the planet to be touched in this way. As a classroom teacher - and later as an elementary school principal - I would see these very functional, "together" little boys who are so alive, energetic, and enthusiastic and I would have this overwhelming feeling. Now I know what it was....I was seeing in them the little boy that I never was - but might have been if it were not for the fact that this was stolen from me.

Thank you.....I finally got it!

Dynamite Don
 
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