Tired

[serafina]

My boyfriend and I were together for two and a half years. Our time together was difficult. Not only did we live in different cities, but my boyfriend was dealing with his abuse issues and had been clean for about 6 months. He goes to counseling and things have gotten much better for him. When we met, he was having nightmares, not sleeping, lots of flashbacks. I was very naive to anything regarding sexual abuse and violence. He had been very violently abused as a very young child by a family member. So it was not always easy for me to know what to say or do and I admit that I often times said and did things that hurt him. But here we are now and we are trying to salvage any sort of relationship with each other, even if it is just friends. We fight constantly. He never feels like I do enough. I don't support him like he wants, I am not angry enough, I am not sweet enough, I am not emotional or I am too emotional. Nothing I do is right-ever. He is constantly angry with me. He feels like I stand up for everyone except him, I disagree completely. But I do feel like he needs to control his anger and actions if he wants to get live in society. There are certain ways to behave. You can't just blow up at people because they say something that offends you. I guess you can, but you won't get along in life very well. He has never had any close friends since I have known him, this worries me alot. He has been living at home with his parents for several years, while getting his life back together and is about to move out on his own again. We have to be apart. I don't know what will happen. We are both so resentful and frustrated with each other even after having survived so much. I come here to learn what I can, I went to partner support groups, helped find him counseling and he just seems to hate me sometimes. I am never enough and never do enough. Like I have said so many times to others. He wants me to be his savior, but we both know I am not.

 

[Mike Church]

HI Serafina. I know of which you speak. During all my married life up until the recent past I lashed out at those I loved the most. My wife and Daughter. The main reason was that it was safer for me and selfish on my part. I caused me a lot of trouble at work over my life too. I had a lot of trouble with authority and was in a constant state of rebellion. I was short with everyone. I desperately wanted to be normal and yet I could not. I was in a rage most of the time and that anger was directed at myself because I believed what happened to me was my fault. I should have prevented it. Aslo when I was abused at 16 my body betrayed me. I got aroused confiorming in my mind that that is what I wanted. My perps perpetuated that and the feeling of guilt has lasted a life time. I am 62 now and am still in recovery. One thing that has helped immensly is that my T has prescribed an anti depressant Effexor for me and that has helped. Remeber please that he really does not want you to be his saviour. what he really wants is for someone to point him in the right direction so he can start feeling good about himself and heal. It is not an easy road. By concealing what has happened to him over the years he has played right into the hands of the peretrator making him safe. Do to think that I did that too. But there is no manual handed out when we are abused that tells us what to do. One way or the other we survive and that is a temendous feat in and of itself. We do not credit ourselves with any strengths . If that is not strength I do not know what is. I was also afraid of intimate contact because I knew where it led. To me being raped and used and abused physically. To me intimacy was a game of winners and losers. We so want to be intimate yet we are terrified of it because of our past what the abuse has driven us to do. If you feel like it show this to your boyfriend and just ask him not to judge but to seek similarities to the thought process and feelings. It is a miracle that we ever have anyone who sees in us things that we do not believe we possess.