Tired of Writing

[Syntaxed]

I've stopped recording my flashbacks for the past few weeks. Fact is, I tired of writing them down. I know that's a shame, because I have so many and so much new information is given to me that it's hard to keep track. As I mentioned a few weeks back, the days are running together, and so are the memories, and I don't know if I'm taking the time to process what I'm seeing and feeling. I hate the flashbacks so much, but am powerless to do anything about them. I feel like I'm raped daily - how do you process that?

Well, in the interest of getting back into the "swing of things" I did not have a flashback today. I have, for the past few days, been working through a flashback in scenes and I think I know where it's headed, but too much background would have to be written to just jump into it now. Just know that there were other children involved and I was offered to other partners as gifts from one pedophile to another. It sickens me, it really does. And my heart breaks for the other children who are part of this secret, shameful club that I belong to that met far too often in the outskirts of Ocala, Florida 27 years ago.

 

[roadrunner]

Syntaxed,

I'm so sorry to hear you are having these difficulties with flashbacks. Have you spoken with a T about them? They are part of the process of recovering traumatic information that you need for recovery, and it is possible to do things to control or lessen them, if not stop them all together.

One thing to do is to think if there's any special place or situation that makes you susceptible to flashbacks, and then avoid that. When I was getting flashbacks I found that what usually set me off was being alone in a quiet room; I would hear some random little sound, and that would trigger me. So I began playing music if I was going to be alone in a room for any period of time, and that helped me a lot.

There are also exercises you can do when you feel a flashback beginning, and a T could help you with those as well.

I'm so sorry you are discovering the terrible secret of being shared, and yes you are right, what a shameful club. But just bear in mind that this is NOT your shame. You were the victim along with others. The shame belongs entirely to those who betrayed you and the other children.

Much love,
Larry