Tired of this fight..

Tired of this fight..
J

Jaysen

Registrant
I am so goddamn frustrated with this shit.

Everytime I feel like I'm making some progress something comes along and fucks it up and sets me back. I'm not talking about the situation with this girl either.... lately it's just everything in general.

Everything is a reminder. I know I need to talk my way out but it's so much easier to turn to the booze/drugs. I've done good, a little more than two weeks without any alcohol/drugs. Then last Sat. night I got hammered.

I don't mean to complain here and I'm not looking for any solutions either, just don't know where else to put it.

Thanks,
Jay
 
you just described my life dude,seems like everytime i think i'm going forward,something comes along to knock me back,two steps forward 3 steps back,cant fucking get ahead,its like shit stays hidden till it can do the most damage then out it pops,like the guys here tell me just try to hang on dude shadow
 
Hang on for what reason?
Don't think I want to keep on doing this for the next 30 something years.

It's like you're trying to run up a fucking escalator the wrong way! And you're right it does seem like that. There can't possibly be anything else to remember... that is until you're totally defenseless and then it floors you.
 
Jay,

Getting past all this crap usually isn't so simple as just giving up the alcohol and drugs - cold - and deciding okay, now I'm going to do it better.

I remember when I was 20 and just about bottomed out on alcohol and drugs, a professor of mine at college told me he was making me his teaching assistant for a freshman course, and the condition was I had to get clean. I promised him that instant I would never touch hard drugs again, but he cautioned me: "Don't make promises to yourself and others that you can't keep. Take it slow and do it in small steps that will last."

It's not the end of the world if you got hammered last Saturday. Don't judge yourself for that, just pick yourself up and start out again. It does get better, if not as fast as we would like.

Much love,
Larry
 
I know it's not simple and it's not the getting hammered part that I'm judging myself on, it's the what I did after I was hammered part.

I know it doesn't happen overnight...
 
I won't even ask! :rolleyes: I'll just comment that I vaguely recall alcohol and drugs leading to some very "creative" trends in decision-making.

L.
 
Hey Jay, as far as staying off alcohol and drugs, try my approach. I have come to believe that there are GOOD and valid reasons to drink and alter the conciousness, (even kids do it, ever see them twirl themselves around just to make themselves dizzy? LOL). Anyway, I have resoved that I will only drink to CELEBRATE or sanctify an occasion. I will not drink anymore just to relieve a stressful day, or to "wind down" after work etc.

The key for my quitting alcohol is to question WHY you're doing it in the first place, then, to question WHAT is it really accomplishing. Yes, alcohol can reduce stress, but it's only temporary, and we need more permanent solutions.

As far as drugs go, with me, I gotta pass a drug test for employment, so no drugs for me for a while!!
 
Why am I doing it? So I don't have to face all these issues and all the shit in the past. What does it accomplish? Absolutely nothing other than being able to sleep at night.

Why am I really doing it? Because it makes it a lot easier to punish myself once I'm wasted. What does that accomplish? Temporarily "feeling" something other than what I usually feel.

I don't do it to wind down or relieve stress, I do it to get drunk and pass out.

I like your approach....
Thanks,
Jay
 
The old tools are always easier, and they work great. For the moment. And then everything comes back and it's either grab the old tools again or learn another way. My addictions aren't alcohol or drugs, but they've got me anyway. And no matter how long I do this work, about once a month I reach for the old tools even though I know they don't do what I really need them to do.

I have no solutions. Just know that I understand. I know writing here helps me. Staying close to people I love and away from my toxic family helps. Being myself--as artistic and emotional as I feel--that helps. It's when I clam up and am forced to be somebody I'm not that I act out. But all the thinking about it in the world hasn't fixed it. If you discover the cure, I could use it, too.
 
Jaysen

"I don't do it to wind down or relieve stress, I do it to get drunk and pass out".

That was me for 30 years and then I managed (god knows how) to get sober and clean and then the shit really did hit the fan. That was 1994 in 1997 my abusers decided to raise their ugly mugs above the horizon and I had nothing to fall back on, no way was I going to go through the withdrawls that I experienced that last time of picking up a bottle of smirnoff blue label vodka, I had to face my demons stone cold sober, it wasnt easy and many a time I wanted that blessed relief from the past in the shape of oblivion. Now if I had got completely wasted with my new found information I could have done something very stupid that may have led me to doing a life sentance as I'm a nasty peice of work when tanked up, thankfullY I didnt I dislcosed to the police whilst I was sober and got a result ...... if I had gone to them drunk and/or stoned would have they taken any notice of me? ...... Somehow I doubt it. As of today three perps have been convicted because I stayed sober ..... and I am still chasing the others.

I used to drink with my mates nigh on every lunchtime/evening ..... they could stop at any time ..... the only way I could stop was literally to pass out.

It can be done and I'm the weakest willed person on the planet ....... its bloody hard work but very worthwhile in the end.

Kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"
 
Jaysen

For a while but not when I actually gave up, plus I had gone through four rehabs that used the twelve step philosophy and the only real thing that helped me was the phrase "A Day At A Time". I gave up going to AA when I was told that is was not usual to talk about other hassles such as drugs and abuse. That pissed me off no end, but here I am a few years down the line, still off the sauce and drugs except for nicotine and caffene in the shape of tea.

It may well have changed now ..... I have not been to a meeting for years.

I was introduced to AA when I was 18 by way of a recovering alcoholic of a boss. It was either go to meetings or lose my job, which I did eventually .... lose my job that is.

Kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"
 
Jay,

I was into alcohol and drugs beginning about age 13, and for exactly the same reasons. By 16 I was drinking myself into convulsions and at 18 I figured I wasn't having fun at a party until I had thrown up at least once or twice. Add to that little extras like grass, hash, acid and speed, and yeah, I was doing a class A version of numbing out.

Looking back, I can see what I was really doing was punishing myself for being, as I saw it, worthless and unloveable. What broke me out of it was being taken seriously by a college professor who 1) told me I had to choose between living my life and losing it, and 2) helped me to see I really did have things to live for.

I think that was the key somehow - seeing that being a slave to drinks and drugs was robbing me of a lot of other things that could be mine.

Much love,
Larry
 
I really need to get my ass into AA or a rehab or something. I don't think I'm punishing myself, I don't really feel unloveable. Worthless, yeah sure sometimes but doesn't everyone? Maybe I do feel unloveable sometimes too... but not like "oh shit nobody will ever love me", or "I don't deserve anyone to love me" It's more like, "If I do this or act this way, this person will love me... even if it's only for a few hours." After that, yes I'm probably worthless. I know I'm drinking/drugging my problems away and it feels damn good at the time. Next day sucks of course.... Hey, you know me... still paddling down that river...

Jay
 
Jay,

I hope you can at least cut your drinking down, and try to not take drugs.
I felt for years like I was a worthless piece of sh*t too, and drinking afternoon and night.

Wow! Did my body give me a jolt to stop drinking so much, I was just like permanently semi conscious.

I saw all my friends with good jobs and beautiful girlfriends, they all got married with nobody to love me, but there were always girls interested.

But I thought! How could I ever take a girl out and explain what happened, and why I was so f*cked up.

It was always, that if I found a girl, I just went into terror mode, thinking, if I tell her, will she just freak me out and say goodbye.

It is a self defeating behaviour, because if a girl shows signs that she loves you, she will take you warts and all, and this is where trust issues come in.

I never thought that any woman would take me on, until I came here and read friends and family forum, where these women go out of their way to 'fix' there own spouse.

Wow, they are prepared to do it, to actually live with our type of hurt, and I guess that is what love is really about, for me anyhow.

You have to understand that the fight does get easier, so never give up, I was the wimp of the family, but I fought, and we all did to make us the men we are today.

Being honest with your feelings in this place, is at least letting you explore possibilities to find happiness, and it is not easy, but never impossible,

ste
 
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