Tired of Feeling like a "bad boy"
When I hit puberty (from what I can recall) I became obsessed with trying to be a "good boy". I felt like I had done something terribly wrong and I felt overwhelming guilt. I remember a few things I did that certainly would have been considered to be "wrong" or "bad" that were typical for a 12-13 year old in the mid to late 70's, but really nothing that could account for the all pervasive sense of guilt and badness I felt. My hand washing compulsion that had been an issue for 3-4 years, evolved into other ritualistic behaviors in an effort to find redemption, relief from my guilt and deep shame. For example, I believed that God wanted me stand on the edge of my bed (the metal frame portion) and as it dug into my feet, say 40 Hail Marys (yes I was born into a catholic household). I wanted to be a priest my freshman year in high school, thinking that would fix me. I kept a running list of all the "sins" I committed throughout the day during my freshman year--for instance normal boy stufff like laughing at a joke about a fat person, looking down a girls shirt to see her bra because the bottons to her blouse were open...And on the way home I would confess my list to my mother who would reassure me I was still ok (that provided only temporary relief). It seems no matter what I did or how hard I tried I couldn't shake this feeling of badness...I discovered masturbation at 12-13 with the help of my older brother who had a porn mag collection. I remember one day he threw one at me and told me to take a look at it. I was blown away and compulsively masturbated from that day forward fearing discovery for Having rubbed myself raw...thought my mother would find out. During this period of time I would sneak into his bedroom to take a look and jerk off. However, the 13th century masochistic monk in me in an effort to exert control over my sinful nature, started holding the magazine open and looking away, refraining altogether from masturbating. I felt some sense of moral relief when I was successful, only to fail the next time around and become riddled with guilt. By freshman year I stopped masturbating altogether and remained chaste until my junior year. I continue to struggle to this day and have only recently started to look but not touch once again...40 years later!
I could go on with many more examples but the Bottom line is: I've continued to struggle with this sense of badness...something I need to hide from myself and others...a secret I suppose...a ruthless disciplinarian...a part of me that is damned and fears divine punishment. I've allowed this to shape my life and have only recently come to realize this feeling IS the sexual abuse. This "bad boy" feeling IS the violation, this feeling IS the result of that line being crossed with my mother (and father...both of whom were exhibistionistic and voyeuristic). This feeling IS how I felt when these things were going on, when my mother would bend me over the tub and wipe me...and it's so much a part of who I am, that interacting, asserting, "inserting" myself into the world today constantly triggers it.
Does this make sense to anyone? Am I on the right track? Thanks! TDC
I could go on with many more examples but the Bottom line is: I've continued to struggle with this sense of badness...something I need to hide from myself and others...a secret I suppose...a ruthless disciplinarian...a part of me that is damned and fears divine punishment. I've allowed this to shape my life and have only recently come to realize this feeling IS the sexual abuse. This "bad boy" feeling IS the violation, this feeling IS the result of that line being crossed with my mother (and father...both of whom were exhibistionistic and voyeuristic). This feeling IS how I felt when these things were going on, when my mother would bend me over the tub and wipe me...and it's so much a part of who I am, that interacting, asserting, "inserting" myself into the world today constantly triggers it.
Does this make sense to anyone? Am I on the right track? Thanks! TDC
