tired of being "the rock"

tired of being "the rock"
A

ARW

Registrant
Going through this seperation from my wife. Tough. Since I was a kid I've been jammed into the position of the Caretaker in my family. For my narcissistic nightmare of a mother, my needy brother. My dad was gone and didn't want anything from anybody, or more pointedly to have to give anything.

Did the same with my wife. Most of my friends. The Rock, The Shoulder, etc. Now I feel pretty fucking alone, except for my T, who rocks, thank god. Yes I'm spilling some feelings of self-pity, been controlled most of the time. Controlled. As Ever. Almost no one's really checking in. They can't handle the fact that I'm in a crisis. Scares the shit out of everyone, or it doesn't fit their idea of who I am. Or, most frighteningly, I've surrounded myself with a lot of vampiric people so I will feel useful, like the Caretaker kid who only got love for parenting my parent. Even after the SA my mother didn't want to question, inquire, with so many laughably obvious indicators that some MAJOR shit had gone down. As she wanted me to go right back to my role as her Rock and not show any weakness or inattentiveness to her needs. F'ing C*#t. Sorry. Shoulda put this on unmod I guess.

Back to Control Mode.

Al
 
al,
i hear you so loud and clear, my brother. i look back over my life and there were so many times i believed that had i only remaiined the rock everyone wanted me to be, then i would not have lost all i did. being that rock is what everyone expected of us. when i did show my vulnerability...when my incomprehensible terror was so very clear, they left becase it was too much for them, or so i always believed. but, bro, we have to be able to open up. as much as it goes against the grain of what we grew up with believing, that very vulnerability is what really makes us human. i am grateful you were able to come here and share that in this safe place, al. bro, you are not alone, never again.
 
I know what you mean. And to take it a step further, we try and try and try to make these emotional black holes happy, and they're never satisfied. We're the rock, and like you say, the vampires keep on sucking. And then finally, like your post here, we say, fuck it all. That's when I explode (or implode--I'm not sure which), act out, make people upset, and then the guilt. I hate it. My therapist says there are givers and there are takers in life. We maintained our sanity by imagining that by giving we would be valued. When in reality, parents should value their little boys for existing, not just because we earned a little love. Just dealing with my mother on the phone for 5 minutes is enough to make me crazy and want to act out--the rebel against this person who will never be satisfied with who I am, no matter how perfectly I do everything, no matter how much I do "the right thing" in dealing with her. I'm a permanent disappointment. Pretty sad for a rock.

You're on the right track. There's got to be a happy medium where we are able to accept as much as we give. And just realizing that we keep choosing vampires for friends helps us to be more aware of the friends we choose. I know my choice in friends has changed a lot. I'm needing people who don't need me so much.

I'm sorry for the tough time. Know that we're here for you all the way, OK?

Peace.
 
Alex,

You sure did! No one can hold up forever as the rock that everyone else depends on, or exploits. I hope you can feel free to let go of that here and just ask for whatever help and support you need.

Much love,
Larry
 
I think it is sooooo good that you reached out and asked for what you needed. You seem to always be there for many of us and I appreciate that. But, it is nice to see you reaching out as you deserve to be taken care of as well. I think it is a good example for the rest of us.
I wish you the very best as you go through this transition.
 
Al,

you gave up your childhood to be a parent figure, that is how I felt too, so I know some of this.
Being the rock all your life, means losing out on loads of things you should have done.

Its like, you help everyone, all of your life, and suddenly, they all leave you, when you need help.

I know you feel alone right now, but guess what!
You did a great job in your childhood, and will one day be paid back for your achievements.

Always remember that you have strength,

ste
 
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