Tired of being good and strong

Tired of being good and strong
D

Darkheart

Registrant
I am really having difficulty admitting this to myself, but I am tired. And exhausted. My mind will not stop running things over and over and over in an endless spin cycle. You know what I mean. We have all been there. Just really bad for me right now.

The only clear thought that I have had the past few days has been this: I am so tired of being strong. From being the "good-one." From keeping up the good grades at school. From I dunno, just everything.

I want to tell myself that I am so over everything, that I don't have flashbacks or cold shakes or nightmares, but I am not over everything.

I still feel. I still hurt. I still want so much to be able to cry but can't. I keep looking to the future, dreaming of the day when I can help other guys. I keep trying to reach out. But here I am alone and sad and tired.

Am I just fooling myself? I dunno. All I know is that I keep thinking things I shouldn't, like jumping off the wagon and really tying one on or going out and getting totally f****d up. Why? Why? Why?

I am in a really good place right now, ok job, doing really well in school, doing great with my boyfriend, family ties still good. Where is all of this coming from?

Thanks for the opportunity to vent.
 
You are helping Dark, even as you express how you are feeling. It helps others know that they are not alone in having similar feelings to your own.

I don't rejoice at your pain, but I say I understand - I've been there numerous time before and it's not only OK to feel this way at times but it will also be OK soon as well.

Thankyou for sharing. Take care.
 
Things do change, everything does, in time, with patience and perseverance. I know it hurts now, it won't forever. I felt much the same as you do now when I wrote this 'poem' a year or so ago. I'm nowhere near that place now, believe that it will change, because it will.

Im so tired.
Tired of being the strong one.
Tired of conjuring strength.
Tired of helping everyone else.
Tired of always trying to do the right thing.
Tired of never feeling like I am doing the right thing.
Tired of always worrying about how everyone else feels.
Tired of hurting.
Tired of waiting for the occasional good day
Tired of living through all the other days.
Tired of learning.
Tired of keeping up the front.
Tired of fighting.
Im so fucking tired.
Tired of hiding.
Tired of trying to reveal myself.
Tired of healing myself.
Tired of hurting myself.
Tired of hating myself.
Tired of hating them.
Tired of cleaning up this mess on my own.
Tired of being alone.
Tired of trying to like myself.
Tired of this and that and everything else.
 
Dark

I can relate to where you are coming from. Sometimes it just seems to much.

I have found a good T & attend a Malesurvivor group which all help. Although leaving some of the meetings I feel very Triggered but it feels diferent. I have confidence in the future and am starting to loosin up with my wife, she tends to ask more questions then I'm ready to answer just now but I'm getting there.

It's just so dam hard sometimes.

Hang in there, it does get better, so they tell me. Take care.

Craig
 
I know it gets better. I am just going through a period in my recovery. Its just that just when I thought I was a-ok, here I am, two steps back! But, I didn't get to where I am by giving up, and I'm not going to start.

Just have to tell myself "First put your feet on the floor, then stand. Now, go out there and greet the day." Ugggh
 
It's already good that you express your emotions here. They can be painful, and it's expectable to see a person who has undergone sexual abuse hurts. You are right in your feelings. You can be tired. At the same time, what you say helps others.

Alexey
 
Yep. I appreciate the opportunity to express when I need to. And the comfort of knowing I can be quiet too.
 
Darkheart, every time someone comes in and communicates how he feels, as you have done, that is reaching out to the rest of us. It tells the rest of the community that we are not alone, that others also feel as we do but have gotten it together to say so.

I smiled when you spoke of being in an endless spin cycle. It must be a common problem, as you say. But what a cool way to portray that feeling!

Thanks for sharing all this with us,
Larry
 
Dh,

The only clear thought that I have had the past few days has been this: I am so tired of being strong. From being the "good-one." From keeping up the good grades at school. From I dunno, just everything.
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You have a lot on your plate right now. And it sounds like you don't feel like you are getting a lot of kudos for 'staying the course' and being a good student etc.
So let me say it. You are doing GREAT! And everyone is proud of you. Unfortunately, family, boyfriends and friends often take things for granted. Tell them that you are feeling like your efforts aren't appreciated. Let your family know that you need more positive feedback. Amazingly, most people don't give a lot of positive feedback. I know I'm always a bit negligent in this way. My kids will do something great and I won't make a big deal of it. Then later when they are less than brilliant, I'm all over them.
Lastly, I would suggest that you take some time out just for yourself. Reward yourself. Sounds like a cliche, but take some time to smell the roses. hey .... that is a cliche. Peace, Andrew
 
I fell exactly what you're talking about every time I do too much for other people--too much socializing, too much helping others. A voice inside, which is a good voice to listen to, says, "Hey! What about me!?" And the more I ignore that voice, the stronger it gets until it's like, f*** it all. Like, If I'm going down, I'm going to go down with a bang. On top of that, my parents are like Mr. & Mrs. Perfect. Everybody loves them, and I have NEVER been good enough. Again, FINE, I can't be good enough? Take a look at THIS! The rebel explodes.

I've been damaged emotionally by my family, the SA. It's like a handicap, in a way. Because of my past, I would love to help every single person and listen and stop abuse everywhere and give to people who need it, be the friend or role model I never had--all that. But I can't. I have to take care of myself. If my stress goes up too high, I have to take a day off. I have to give myself "down time". And if I don't come here and write about my pain and get with my support group, I will crash and I will go down in flames. I need support. I can't do it alone.

Sometimes, the strong thing to do is to admit we aren't that strong. And we need help. It's putting the truth of our lives out there where everybody can see. Like you did in this post. And you know what? We're here for you. We're going to be OK, but only if we lean on each other a little bit.

Take care of yourself, OK? We're all here to help each other. You don't have to do it all.
 
Thanks for all the support guys, it really means a lot to me. It is such a great feeling to be able to express my feelings here and not be questioned or be told to just get on with things, etc. I have support of family and boyfriend, so that helps too. Just been feeling overwhelmed at times, and work has been crappy lately, lots of workplace politics and stuff.

I am feeling better now though. I actually slept 6 hours last night! Hooray!!

And, my favorite time of the year is here - Fall!
Then Thanksgiving Christmas! So, I will just stay in the moment!

ForeverFighting: My favorite verse in the Bible is from Revelation: "and there will be no more tears." God bless all of you for being there. I will be ok in a day or two, or three... :)
 
Originally posted by Darkheart:
I still feel. I still hurt. I still want so much to be able to cry but can't. I keep looking to the future, dreaming of the day when I can help other guys. I keep trying to reach out. But here I am alone and sad and tired.
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Darkheart---You helped me. That's not in the future. That's right now. I see you as a kind, loving, and gentle person that has so much to offer.

I'm sorry You're hurting right now. I know how it is to just want to dig a hole, climb in it, and pull the dirt in after yourself. It's easy to get caught up in that, but if I do that then "he" wins.

It seems that when I'm hurting the most and feel the most down is when I am planning to tell my story or when I am actually doing it. But what I've discovered is that every time I tell my story it helps someone else face their demons. If I can do that then I will gladly do it over and over again regardless of the pain.

I do realize that I have to take care of myself and I do that, but I cannot stay silent.

I guess what I am trying to say to you is even in your pain you are helping some of us and that is a precious gift that you give. Don't underestimate the power you have or sell yourself short. You are loved here. When things get bad like they are now let us be strong for you. That's what we're here for.

Courage,

John
 
I am feeling better lately. Not sure how I will feel later, as I am going to be busy, busy, busy.

I am in school M, W, TH, and F. I work 3-11 F, S, Su, M. And now I will be tutoring T, W, and Th. So, If I am absent a lot, do not worry. It means I am ok. If I need anything at all, I know just where to turn!!!
 
I Only wish to say Thank You Dark for Helping me. I was wondering around in here and found your Thread and it was at the right time for me. Thank you.

IC from the responses you are doing better I am Glad and Thank You for being in the right place at the right Moment.
 
Kaceechase,

It is great to know I have helped you, even a little bit. Yes, I am doing better now. Or, at least I am keeping myself too busy to feel anything for a while!

Forrest
 
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