Tired and not who I used to be

[Grunty1967b]

Today Im feeling very blah and tired and disheartened and not really able to work all that well. My mind tell s me to act out and it will makes things better but I know thats not true and Ill feel worse not better.

If I think about why Im feeling this way it could be because this has been my first full week back at work since before the Christmas/New Year break.

I think about the times (years) that I was an emotional rock, not given to emotional swings or even feelings for that matter. I was always the same. Never feeling down or low. That existence as I know it is gone now. Im an emotional being now. I cant seem to switch back to feeling nothing. I wish I could but I also think that probably would not be a good thing. This is all part of my recovery I guess, but I really miss not being able to soldier on and be strong all the time.

 

[WalkingSouth]

Wow! You sure described me with that post. Like you were reading my journal or something.

I so often want to just be able to be stone faced again sometimes. Ain't gonna happen I'm afraid. When I really get honest with myself about it though, I'd much rather take the emotion over life without. Besides, I hurt a lot of people during those years too, which I regret. Hopefully that is a thing of the past.

Thanks, friend, for helping me understant that I'm not alone in the way I'm feeling this week.

Lots of love,

John

 

[Bill123]

Grunty,

I have felt this way a lot. I was an emotional rock- I used to think this was a good thing. I was non-emotional and strong. I felt like I could deal with whatever came along without any emotional display.

Now my wife left me and I'm thinking more about sexual abuse and I can't not be emotional. I am trying to function at work. I think to myself, at least I need to be able to be my old strong self at work, but it is not really possible these days. Somebody asks about my wife and I immediately feel like I'm going to start crying. What happened to the old me. He's gone and nowhere to be found. I haven't fully decided what I like better, but I don't seem to have a choice- lot's of emotions are here for me to deal with.

I guess this is my misconception from growing up in our society. I was taught that men are strong if they are unemotional. Showing emotions is a weakness. I need to unlearn this somehow. Unfortunately, there is a large gap between intellectual knowledge and what I really feel and what I have incorporated into myself regarding the way a man "should" be.

Thanks for posting this. I am happy to know that I am not alone feeling this way.

Bill

 

[roadrunner]

Grunty,

Thanks for your thoughtful post and for starting a really good thread. You comment:

Im an emotional being now. I cant seem to switch back to feeling nothing. I wish I could but I also think that probably would not be a good thing. This is all part of my recovery I guess, but I really miss not being able to soldier on and be strong all the time.

I think you're right; if we could go back to feeling nothing that would be a bad thing, not something to celebrate. Our emotions are part of our humanity, and shutting them down is just an act of denial that defies the reality that the emotions are still there. They just build up in unhelpful and sometimes dangerous ways.

I find that working with my emotions is one of the greatest challenges I have before me. It means casting aside a lot of nonsensical male stereotypes and launching myself out into unknown territory, and at first I felt so embarrassed all the time. But I am already seeing the benefits and I would never go back to the way things were for me. Regaining our emotions doesn't just mean that we can cry and be afraid, it also means we appreciate and genuinely experience love, trust, compassion and caring and see ourselves as worthy of both giving and receiving these feelings.

Much love,
Larry