tips to support male survivors (possible trigger warning?)
pedropedro
Registrant
Unless in special discussion topics like pregnancy, ALWAYS use gender-neutral language around rape and violence, for BOTH victim and agressor. It’s not optional.
No survivor is either a “distraction” nor a “whataboutism”.
Male survivors have boundaries that need to be respected. Yes, in the bedroom, but elsewhere too. For one thing, jokes about violence towards men, sexual or otherwise, or about figurative or literal castration/emasculation are no more OK than jokes about violence towards women. This also includes phrases like “I bathe in men’s tears” and “Men are trash”. Be aware that people who say these things not only make us feel uncomfortable, but unsafe. Support our need to avoid them.
We wish women were more aware of women making men uncomfortable - and that they can and should intervene.
Most male survivors are not misogynists. But many are gynophobic. These are not the same thing. We don’t hate women, but we do often have a hard time trusting women. We’re working on it. Have patience.
Whatever your gender - if you have been violated or ever are in the future, don’t be afraid to tell someone. Even if someone doesn’t believe you, others will. I know I will.
If someone in your life tells you they’ve been violated, believe and support them whatever their gender. They told you because they trust you.
Parents - tell all your children that no means no when anyone say it - including them.
Male survivors often go back and forth between questioning if they’re “still men” and feeling guilt, shame, and self-hate about being men. Nightmares and anxiety around castration are both very common.
Many people have good intentions with using the phrase “toxic masculinity”, or at least think they do. But we don’t need to be saved from ourselves. We don’t need the patronizing and infantilizing “Great Female Savior” version of the “Great White Savior”. These remarks are considered by many male survivors to be a form of “benevolent bigotry”, similar to the phrase “I cherish women.” or “bitches be cray-cray”.
Male survivors have struggled to claim or reclaim our masculinity. Saying that phrase is calling some bad behaviors or their motivations inherently like us; inherently like what we struggle our whole lives to reclaim.
Using That Phrase also implies our pain is due to our own expectations of masculinity. This is victim blaming and lets our abusers off the hook. Many have expressed that they’d almost rather go through our rape again than have to see/hear That Phrase. Also, my rapes have been blamed by some people on my masculinity itself, a few times on my penis.
Misogyny exists. But so does misandry. Neither are acceptable. Call both out.
Don’t try to explain our feelings and our experiences to us. If we say don’t do or say something (like “Toxic Masculinity”) - don’t do or say it!
Don’t police our sitting posture. Many male survivors find “manspreading” empowering, and you never know who is a survivor.
Male survivors tend to have insecurities about their bodies, especially their genitals. Men with smaller penises, or whose abuse did not involve their penises, may worry that it’s useless or that future partners won’t like it. Survivors with larger penises may feel that their penises are dangerous and think they are somehow evil because of it.
No survivor is either a “distraction” nor a “whataboutism”.
Male survivors have boundaries that need to be respected. Yes, in the bedroom, but elsewhere too. For one thing, jokes about violence towards men, sexual or otherwise, or about figurative or literal castration/emasculation are no more OK than jokes about violence towards women. This also includes phrases like “I bathe in men’s tears” and “Men are trash”. Be aware that people who say these things not only make us feel uncomfortable, but unsafe. Support our need to avoid them.
We wish women were more aware of women making men uncomfortable - and that they can and should intervene.
Most male survivors are not misogynists. But many are gynophobic. These are not the same thing. We don’t hate women, but we do often have a hard time trusting women. We’re working on it. Have patience.
Whatever your gender - if you have been violated or ever are in the future, don’t be afraid to tell someone. Even if someone doesn’t believe you, others will. I know I will.
If someone in your life tells you they’ve been violated, believe and support them whatever their gender. They told you because they trust you.
Parents - tell all your children that no means no when anyone say it - including them.
Male survivors often go back and forth between questioning if they’re “still men” and feeling guilt, shame, and self-hate about being men. Nightmares and anxiety around castration are both very common.
Many people have good intentions with using the phrase “toxic masculinity”, or at least think they do. But we don’t need to be saved from ourselves. We don’t need the patronizing and infantilizing “Great Female Savior” version of the “Great White Savior”. These remarks are considered by many male survivors to be a form of “benevolent bigotry”, similar to the phrase “I cherish women.” or “bitches be cray-cray”.
Male survivors have struggled to claim or reclaim our masculinity. Saying that phrase is calling some bad behaviors or their motivations inherently like us; inherently like what we struggle our whole lives to reclaim.
Using That Phrase also implies our pain is due to our own expectations of masculinity. This is victim blaming and lets our abusers off the hook. Many have expressed that they’d almost rather go through our rape again than have to see/hear That Phrase. Also, my rapes have been blamed by some people on my masculinity itself, a few times on my penis.
Misogyny exists. But so does misandry. Neither are acceptable. Call both out.
Don’t try to explain our feelings and our experiences to us. If we say don’t do or say something (like “Toxic Masculinity”) - don’t do or say it!
Don’t police our sitting posture. Many male survivors find “manspreading” empowering, and you never know who is a survivor.
Male survivors tend to have insecurities about their bodies, especially their genitals. Men with smaller penises, or whose abuse did not involve their penises, may worry that it’s useless or that future partners won’t like it. Survivors with larger penises may feel that their penises are dangerous and think they are somehow evil because of it.