Time for that first post.
About a year ago, after a nasty breakup I told a friend that I had been drugged and sexually assulted by someone I considered a close friend when I was 18 (I'm 35 now). It was the first time I had ever told anyone about the abuse. It was a big deal for me, but I thought that that was the end of it. I figured it was over and done and it was just one of those secrets that was going to live in the closet and not do much and not hinder my life in any way. I assumed that all of the problems in my past relationships were just regular relationship issues. Nothing special. After all, everybody has bad relationships. Or so I thought.
I met my current girlfriend a few months later. We had a lot in common. In fact we both disclosed quite a lot to each other early on in the relationship, and I of course included that I had been abused sexually. She had been physically abused in the past but had a good bit of recovery under the bridge. We agreed to run the relationship with complete honesty. The good news is that we still do have a very honest and healthy relationship. The best relationship either of us have ever had to date, and I am a lucky man because of it.
About a month ago, my girlfriend came to me with some concerns about intamacy and how I deal with it. I told her that it was not the first time that I had heard those concerns from girlfriends. I told her that I thought it might stem from the abuse. She agreed. I did some research online and was completely overwhelmed. Because I already had a meeting scheduled with my therapist (for ADHD) two days later, I took the issue to her. In the mean time I realized what a massive toll this abuse had taken on my life and especially on my relationships. I was able to look at all of my past relationships in a whole new way. It was literally mindblowing. And not in a good way either. I cried a lot and kept gathering information online.
My therapist was very receptive, understanding and started me working right away in the "Courage to Heal" workbook. The nightmares and anxiety hit about two weeks into it as the overwhelm normalized. The memories started streaming back too. For the first time in my life I became too scared to leave the house in the morning. My emotions flipped the "rollercoaster" switch. Overwhelming terror and nausea became regular feelings. Lots of crying and confusion. Reasons for my past behaviors come pouring down on me. It is uncanny to what degree abuse has affected my life.
Today my therapist asked me a question about how the abuse changed me and the nature of my relationships. It hadn't. By the time we drilled down that far we ended up bringing out some of my worst fears. What happpened in those dark parts of my childhood that I can't remember? How do those blacked-out memories correlate to rather unnatural sexual behavior between the ages of eight and fourteen years? Why did my mother ask me if anyone had touched me in private places when I was little? Why didn't my mother like my father's parents? What had happened to my little brother? How much has his life been messed up because of things that I did when I was little? All of this hit me like a freight train today.
So I know now that that the abuse has permeated my entire life. Most of my worst fears in this regard have come true, even though I knew deep down inside that in reality it was going to be something like this. I have been making good progress with my therapist and in the workbook, making sure to keep my tempo slow and metered. I am scared about all the stuff that is going to be coming up as memories continue to return. I know that I have got a long, hard recovery ahead of me. I know that I need to establish my support network, and this is part of it. So here I am. A little shell shocked, rattled, but ready to fight to take my life back so that my dream of having a healthy and happy family might one day come true.
Thanks for being out there, guys. I think I am going to need your support.
I met my current girlfriend a few months later. We had a lot in common. In fact we both disclosed quite a lot to each other early on in the relationship, and I of course included that I had been abused sexually. She had been physically abused in the past but had a good bit of recovery under the bridge. We agreed to run the relationship with complete honesty. The good news is that we still do have a very honest and healthy relationship. The best relationship either of us have ever had to date, and I am a lucky man because of it.
About a month ago, my girlfriend came to me with some concerns about intamacy and how I deal with it. I told her that it was not the first time that I had heard those concerns from girlfriends. I told her that I thought it might stem from the abuse. She agreed. I did some research online and was completely overwhelmed. Because I already had a meeting scheduled with my therapist (for ADHD) two days later, I took the issue to her. In the mean time I realized what a massive toll this abuse had taken on my life and especially on my relationships. I was able to look at all of my past relationships in a whole new way. It was literally mindblowing. And not in a good way either. I cried a lot and kept gathering information online.
My therapist was very receptive, understanding and started me working right away in the "Courage to Heal" workbook. The nightmares and anxiety hit about two weeks into it as the overwhelm normalized. The memories started streaming back too. For the first time in my life I became too scared to leave the house in the morning. My emotions flipped the "rollercoaster" switch. Overwhelming terror and nausea became regular feelings. Lots of crying and confusion. Reasons for my past behaviors come pouring down on me. It is uncanny to what degree abuse has affected my life.
Today my therapist asked me a question about how the abuse changed me and the nature of my relationships. It hadn't. By the time we drilled down that far we ended up bringing out some of my worst fears. What happpened in those dark parts of my childhood that I can't remember? How do those blacked-out memories correlate to rather unnatural sexual behavior between the ages of eight and fourteen years? Why did my mother ask me if anyone had touched me in private places when I was little? Why didn't my mother like my father's parents? What had happened to my little brother? How much has his life been messed up because of things that I did when I was little? All of this hit me like a freight train today.
So I know now that that the abuse has permeated my entire life. Most of my worst fears in this regard have come true, even though I knew deep down inside that in reality it was going to be something like this. I have been making good progress with my therapist and in the workbook, making sure to keep my tempo slow and metered. I am scared about all the stuff that is going to be coming up as memories continue to return. I know that I have got a long, hard recovery ahead of me. I know that I need to establish my support network, and this is part of it. So here I am. A little shell shocked, rattled, but ready to fight to take my life back so that my dream of having a healthy and happy family might one day come true.
Thanks for being out there, guys. I think I am going to need your support.