Tickle torture (trigger warning)


Hello everyone, I was wondering if anyone had similar experiences to this? When I was a kid, I was *extremely* ticklish (I probably still am, haven't been tickled in ages), and I would always get tickle tortured by guys at school and outside of school. There was this family that my family was very close to, and they had a son who was around 4 or 5 years older than me, so when we went round his house when I was 4-6 I would always have to 'play' with him, which almost always consisted of me going to his room, him pinning me to the ground, climbing on top of me and tickling me until I couldn't breathe. I would always be yelling at him to stop, but no matter how many times I said it he would keep tickling me and there was nothing I could do about it, and it went on for ages. He knew I hated it, and that's why he did it. This would also happen when he would come over to our house, and I was always scared of having to go play with him because I knew it would happen, but I didn't feel like I could tell anyone as tickle torture is sort of socially acceptable, even though what he was doing was excessive and crossed the line into bullying. At school, my friends would always pin me down in the playground at breaktime and tickle torture me in the same way. It got so bad that at one point I was having nightmares about being tickled, as it would happen to me so often and I really hated it but there was nothing I could do about it. There were so many times in primary school where I would be pinned down by other boys and tickle tortured; one time I went to my friend's house for his birthday party, and it turned out that he and our other friend has planned to corner me in his bedroom and 'tickle me to death', which is basically what happened. He managed to tackle me to the ground, climbed on top of me and tickled me until I couldn't breathe, again it went on for ages even though I kept saying "stop" and I was powerless to get away. Another time, two other friends pinned me down onto one of the benches in the school changing rooms and tickled me non-stop for ages, again ignoring my pleas for them to stop. Another time, a boy in the year above me who was a bully and who I never spoke to managed to get me on the ground outside the locker room and tickle tortured me. He was way bigger than me and again, just feeling his weight on me as he overpowered me and tickled me was a horrible experience.

This shit just kept happening all throughout primary school, I guess because people knew how ticklish I was and how much I hated being tickled. When it's that regular and excessive, with it going on for ages no matter how many times you say "stop" and people are doing it because they know you hate it, it crosses the line into bullying, and it really did feel like torture. I just hated the sensation of it, feeling completely powerless and not being able to do anything about it, just having to take it. It also felt like my body was betraying me, because I was laughing even though I hated it, and the laughter made the bullies do it to me even more as that's the reaction they wanted. When I was sexually assaulted at the age of 12 in my final year of primary school by another boy in class (penetration with an object through my clothes), I think the previous years of constant tickle torture played a role in why it ended up impacting me so much, as it was a pattern of my bodily boundaries constantly being crossed and people crossing them because they know I don't like it. It's kind of sadistic. I just hate being touched now and being made to feel vulnerable or 'soft' in any way. I just try to remain stoic the whole time and not really express any emotion.