thrown again...
I was having a really good month last month. I was aware of my self, could feel my body, wasn't dissociating, and all the normal triggers just felt like hiccups. Then it has to happen again...
I have always had memories of my abuse, but they were obscure and covered with fantasy and fragmented until I became completely aware. More of the memory has come through in the past year, each time I feel stronger I am hit again. But the last month was different. I was at peace.
But peace only seems to last so long. I've been able to deal with these memories as memories and really haven't faced them as events that happened to me. I can dissociate when that comes close and memory is safe as memory. I haven't told anyone in my extended family about the abuse, only my parents. I feel like if the abuse is not confirmed then it wasn't as real.
But then last week one of my cousins started to tell my dad about how my step grandpa (my abuser - who died when I was 12) tried to lure him away to isolated places; but then he ended the conversation. I know what he did to me, but it hurts knowing that it probably happened to others in the family and it really sucks to start to hear the experience. The reality is hitting me hard today. Almost as hard as the first conscious awareness that I was abused - but I guess I'm moving forward because I am stronger with it.
I don't know why I'm posting this. I just need to say it. I'm sorry that I bail out of here when things are going well and then come back to vent when I'm once again thrown. I think that when I'm doing well I can dismiss it all as it doesn't have a big impact on my life and I am afraid that if I keep looking I will see more and hurt more and never heal. At some point I just want to put it all away and be able to walk forward proud of who I am. Free of guilt, shame, terror. But just putting it all away won't lead to that freedom.
I have always had memories of my abuse, but they were obscure and covered with fantasy and fragmented until I became completely aware. More of the memory has come through in the past year, each time I feel stronger I am hit again. But the last month was different. I was at peace.
But peace only seems to last so long. I've been able to deal with these memories as memories and really haven't faced them as events that happened to me. I can dissociate when that comes close and memory is safe as memory. I haven't told anyone in my extended family about the abuse, only my parents. I feel like if the abuse is not confirmed then it wasn't as real.
But then last week one of my cousins started to tell my dad about how my step grandpa (my abuser - who died when I was 12) tried to lure him away to isolated places; but then he ended the conversation. I know what he did to me, but it hurts knowing that it probably happened to others in the family and it really sucks to start to hear the experience. The reality is hitting me hard today. Almost as hard as the first conscious awareness that I was abused - but I guess I'm moving forward because I am stronger with it.
I don't know why I'm posting this. I just need to say it. I'm sorry that I bail out of here when things are going well and then come back to vent when I'm once again thrown. I think that when I'm doing well I can dismiss it all as it doesn't have a big impact on my life and I am afraid that if I keep looking I will see more and hurt more and never heal. At some point I just want to put it all away and be able to walk forward proud of who I am. Free of guilt, shame, terror. But just putting it all away won't lead to that freedom.