through my eyes (trigger?)

[tone]

Looking at Sick Puppy's art work inspired me.

I wonder now, if the adults around me just ignored my strange behaviour at such a young age. You see , Idon't remember all of the details of my abuse, at least not in the sense of a "normal memory", it is more like invasive images or residual pictures like when one stares into a strong light and then turn their head away and the spot of light is still there imprinted in your eyes. I do remember however what i was as a child, rubbing myself onto adults, undressing dolls and using them as theater props in all imaginable positions. I can still remember that clearly , and even then , I had no guilt about it but I did not know why i was doing it. I remember shivering and moving away when my father or any other adult (still do)
touched my shoulders or tried to hug me. I remember the dark shape that I imagined (?) walking down the hall without ever reaching me, never before I forced myself to sleep ( I always convinced myself it was a sasquatch. It's funny that I am not afraid of Sasquatch anymore ( I know they wouldn't do that.
That's enough for now

 

[Sick Puppy]

I am sure I showed signs of abuse too, but the adults around me either chose to ignore it, were in denial, or were too wrapped up in their own problems to notice me. I remember one time in elementary school when a boy that was older than us had $20 and we were all clamoring to get it. That was a lot of money to us! Everyone was trying to do things for him so that he'd give them the money. I offered him oral sex, carried it out in the school bathroom, and was caught. I was in elementaty school! If that's not a sign of abuse, I don't know what is! The school did call in my mother but she acted shocked and suprised and said that I must have learned it by accidentally watching a porno of my father's. They believed her Or maybe they just didn't feel like spending money and time to investigate!

I think a lot of times the adults around abused children just don't bother to watch for or pay attention to the warning signs.

 

[zadok1]

boy, i remember my mom catching me with the neighbor girl. i was like eight. naturally, being the boy, they blamed it on 'boys will be boys' scolded me, and made me tell her and her parents i was sorry. after being shamed and yelled at, i wasnt about to tell the truth. i remember mom asking me where i got such an idea, and just saying, "i dont know"

after getting in trouble i wasnt about to tell her that i had done it before with my abuser, and another neighbor girl. i was in enough trouble already.

what gets me in hindsite, is that she never even explained that what i was doing was sex!!!! i came away just as ignorant and confused as before, only now i was more careful about hiding it. i often wonder, if she had told me the truth, would i have gone on to get so screwed up? a lot of my issues came about because i felt perverted and sinful. if i had felt healthy and normal, i dont think things would have turned out the way they did.

a good post, that really got me thinking.
jeff