Thoughts on what to do?

Thoughts on what to do?

jswife

Registrant
I'm the wife of a survivor. He has only told me a few things in the 6 years we have been together. That he was abused, that he can't remember his childhood and that he wants to leave this area because this is where it happened. My mother is a survivor and she had some scary behaviors when I was growing up. She would disassociate, sometimes having different personalities, she would pursue multiple relationships with strangers and leave us randomly.
My husband has no behaviors and to be honest that scares me. He is a loving and giving husband. He is an excellent father that balances love and discipline beautifully. We have never fought or argued. All of this scares me. I often feel like he is faking all of this while his insides are just crumbling turmoil. And I am scared that one day he's going to lose his ability to "fake it" and fall completely apart. That if I don't help him he's going to turn into my mother somehow.
Yesterday I asked him to work on something in relation to our children. He acted defeated like he had failed me, it wasn't even a big deal and I try to handle things so gently knowing how delicate his ego can be. And then last night he said that he has been feeling off for a few months since someone yelled at him at work. That he hasn't feel as much of a man. Just admitting that makes him feel so defeated and worthless. I know from what I've read why that is and I try to be there for him.
I guess my question is do I encourage him to get help? Is he really holding it all together- is it not an act? Will getting help make him fall apart? I'm not sure what is best for him. I don't want him to pretend like everything is ok if it's not. But if he doesn't let me in then should I just be supportive and leave him alone? Thank you for this page, it helps me tremendously in understanding and supporting him.
 
As a qualifier, please know my married experience is unfortunate. I read partners and wives here and find wonderful caring people like you.

I needed to qualify, so you can discern the connection of my experience to what you're going through.

To me, you've shared what I know and experience about feeling defeated, and getting upset with any conflict. It adds too much confusion about why I'm so upset, and why it lingers. That's where being defeated is for me. I perceive others can move on, aka: deal with it.

I think hiding is a correct way to describe myself too, however, we're all different, and he may bristle at that? Perhaps his sense of being a man demands he show confidence, and anything to expose any hint of weakness will feel very defeating? I think it's that for most men, but, we're all different.

He may want to talk with you, he may not? I know that before I opened up, I had 39 years of trying to stop the any idea of thinking about it. Then, one day, for me, a floodgate let everything open onto me at once. I had no help from home, but someone online posted a number to RAINN, and I called. I think that's because I have a lot of sobriety that I could call them? I was a blubbering mess! I might have needed to drink?


I think you're in the right mindset, and place to start with help for yourself and hopefully that may bring your husband? Don't be too surprised if he's not ready, this is incredibly nuanced for the problems and therapies.

Question? Has he had any (for anything) therapy sessions before? Some men, including myself have very poor past history with psychologists and Therapists. It could be a deterrent to seeking help? It was for me. The men here made an effort to have me give it another chance. This time with a ptsd and childhood trauma trained therapist.

That has proven to be an excellent effort. I know it's helping me. Maybe you could pre-check such a therapist for him. Go online (that's how I started) and seek ptsd and childhood trauma in their experiences. They almost all list what they're trained to help. Send an email to get a bit of exposure with that Therapist and ask a couple of questions.
 
Hi Jswife and welcome, sorry that you need to be here.

On the one hand, it sounds like your husband is doing extremely well and has made some remarkable achievements and I love the fact your proud of him for that. On the other, it is true that abuse has a nasty habit of festering until its dealt with, and though dealing with it is always going to be difficult, there is a point that it often becomes the lesser evil, not to say that your husband or any survivors indeed will do unpleasant things (see the myths section on the front page), but it might become difficult to hold things together..

For a lot of survivors (myself included), there is a long period where we insist that we're fine, that everything was in the past. For me, it took the emotional equivalent of being run over by a ten tonne truck in 2007 before I realised i wasn't fine, that my abuse wasn't dealt with, its possible this is where your husband is, especially if you say he has something of a fragile ego and a tendency to perhaps underestimate himself.
For me, it was that the memories of what happened were still there, the reactions they created were still there, but it was like watching a film with the sound down, it had no force since I was removed from it.
I now realize that I was anything but "fine", that genophobia, social isolation and other issues were pretty damn obvious and wouldn't be things could've dealt with until I dealt with the abuse itself.

perhaps asking your husband gently if he's okay about his abuse or if he wants to talk, or pointing him towards this site or to resources like Mike Loo's book victims no longer might be helpful. You cannot make that decision for him, it has to be his! choice to deal with this when he is ready to do so, but you can be there and support him, that support can mean a huge amount.

When I met my lady in 2015, I'd already been in recovery for quite a while yet there were still pretty major issues, heck one of the things i first told her was that it was better we didn't get together since I had no life to share with her.
In my case, honesty about my abuse and about feelings hs had to come first, particularly since I suffered from extreme genophobia (fear of sex), which my lady was extremely kind and patient in dealing with, indeed I can't say how grateful I am to her for being there with me, and know that my recovery wouldn't be as complete without her.

One thing I will say is that while dealing with abuse isn't fun it can! and will get better, and despite all the horror stories, it actually is possible for survivors of sa to have happy marriages afterwards.

i have been inhumanly, amazingly lucky in my lady, and in sounds like your husband has a similarly partner in you.

Hope some of this helps.

Luke.
 
Thanks for the replies! I have read through many of the posts on here and your insights for others and have found them so helpful.

Ceremony, I'm so sorry for your experiences. You should be proud of your sobriety- I know it was a hard fought victory for you. My husband has had no counseling. He's not open to the idea yet. We have some excellent ones in this area and I have done some research so that if he feels ready I can give him gentle direction towards some that might be good for him.

Dark Empathy, thank you for the kind words and support. This has been a rough week for me.
I saw somewhere in here where the book When you Love a Man who was Molested was mentioned. I found a way to download it privately and have been reading it. I told him about it and how I want to be able to support him and not say the wrong things. I told him how much I love him and how he's worthy of love because I love him and the children love him and God loves him and how I want him to be able to love himself. His voice changed and the little boy inside him said, "I should love myself?" I feel like that was a new idea I gave him and the book has helped me so much. Thank you both for your support. I wish you love and healing.
 
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