thoughts on motherhood: possible trigger

[theo]

hello everyone,
there has been a thread in the family forum about maternal perps that i have been participating the last few days. obviously, this has personal ramifications for me. it has caused me to give more thought to the implications of the maternal abuse i have suffered. i am really not sure how to proceed with this post because there is a great deal going through my mind and heart.

when my memories started over a year ago it was centered on the recall of the the direct abuse by her former husband on me and my sister when we were 3-5 yrs old, as well as her neglect, abuse, and emotional incest. in the last month, on top of the recalled memories i had about two months ago regarding her former husband that sent me into a near fatal spin, i had recently recalled more direct abuse by her that i had buried for so long. i do not refer to her with the honorific title of "mother" because of those recent recollections. responding to blue's query about dominating maternal perps and their continued influence on their grown sons refreshed this topic for me that i was trying to avoid. i do not regret responding to the thread, but now i am having to deal with some of the feelings that i was avoiding.

i look back over this past year and i see that i have lost everything i held to be true about my life. that is too categorical, of course, but the essential identity of what we carry from our past seems lost to me now. in fact, during my session today i was forced to face this very issue of my identity, or its lack thereof to be more precise. it is kind of like the thread i started a couple weeks ago on the question of masculinity. today i clarified in therapy what masculinity was to me. it involved honor, duty, and obligation. that is what a man is to me. the heart, soul, and everything else fall within the three of honor, duty, and obligation. my therapist posed the following image. he asked if the warrior that was the man i described was really the child. he asked if during a moment of despair whether i would, as the warrior, throw away the sword. this is inconceivable to me because my sense of honor, duty, and obligation would prevent me from tossing that sword no matter my despair...that is what it means to be a man...that sword never, ever leaves my grip, even in the long sleep. sorry, not trying to be morbid here or frighten anyone. i am just trying to understand the chaos of the last few days. i feel as though something very fundamental is taking place right now and i don't understand it.

it has to do with the abscence of a central identity for me in my childhood and the fear that i fabricated one making me a golem of some kind. it has to do with trying to understand what my maternal perp stole from me as little theo. it has to do with putting the shattered pieces back in some kind of picture that i can be proud of. perhaps it has to do with little theo wanting to find the mother he never had. i really don't know.

 

[Leosha]

Hey there Theo,

your thread speaks loudly to me right now. Very very much so. I can feel what you are saying, I know that we have 'talked' of this some, but really, I can understand the betrayal and loss you feel. It is NOT something that you did wrong, or that you deserve to feel shame for. Yes, I know that is true, regardless of the situation, to all of us here. But it seems there is some additional shame that comes to us with abuse by mothers.

MAY TRIGGER>>>>
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Okay, so always, I knew some things my mom had done to me. You say the 'emotional incest'. Yes, I can relate to that. I can relate because of at times being forced to sleep with her, even as a teenager, and having her touch me wrongly, telling me she does not need a husband no more, she has me. (She and my gran and I all lived in one room for quite a few years, due to money, so usually I slept on floor). And always, she would be touching me in private areas, teling me she is my mom, she has to make sure her 'big boy grows right'. I am still, to this day, processing that line. But most recent memory, I have of her, I told you some of it Theo. This is something that I know is right, even though it is just now that I am remembering and retaining it. I have spoken of it before to a few people, and just panicked it away again, never retaining it as a memory. Now, somehow, I have. I remember my mom would put me in the bathtub with her, as a smaller child (I was I think 6 at time of this memory), and would touch me and have me touch her also. This memory, it is of me finally telling her 'No', and her becoming angry with me for that, pushing and holding my head under the water while yelling at me to never tell her no. To this day, I am terrified of water, I can not even take a bath, and showers are very short, and never knew why. Now I know.

I feel some of what you feel. But, it is so strong, the sense of having been betrayed. She was my freaking mom. She was the person most supposed to love me and protect me. I know she never did the second. Now I wonder if she ever did the first. I will be seeing her next week, for holiday. Not sure how that will be.

((((Hugs)))) to you my friend, and good luck in processing this in your heart and mind.

Leosha

 

[theo]

leosha,
i want to thank you very much for responding to this. a lot of what you shared had paralelles with my own experience. there were the bathtub and bathroom experiences, sleeping with her (though no memory of anything else), but also the memory of almost drowning in the local reservoir around the age 2-3. there is so much that i don't want to deal with, but i know i have to as i can. i keep wondering more and more if little theo went into hiding so long ago only to create something me to take over. everything i thought i was from my childhood onward seems to be nothing more than a stupid mask. my t has said that i need to create an identity since i did not have one (okay, that is my slant on it, but it makes one wonder if there is some kind of perverse irony in this...similar to the good side of losing one's memory, you are always making new friends). i recall the immediate impact of the memory flood from last year when i felt as i do now that everything was a lie and i was nothing but a golem. the good side? as i observed above, i get to create any identity i want...the golem of a thousand faces.