Thoughts on how we were groomed

Hey pow

I think that's great to be able to bring your perp to justice. I'm sorry that you're not feeling well with what's going on with your situation but I hope that destroying your perp in court will help you heal.

It is easy for me as a person who was abused to say to someone that you weren't responsible for what you went through but I still blame myself for being responsible for most of what went on in my childhood. I say that because I can see the small facts of the what things were happening for me whereas I can only look at your situation as a whole without the small reasons for you saying that you still hold yourself responsible for what you did. My T and many members here have asked me many times what would I think if someone was doing the same thing to my kids as what happened between me and papasan. Of course I would say it's wrong but I feel that the circumstances were different with me. I don't know if that makes much sense.

For instance I feel responsible for the year of hell I went through when I was 14. I was offered to do some modeling for magazines and such but I ended up in porn magazines and not Macy's adverts. Movies were made and photos taken of me. That included many hours every week plus well over 100 photos taken of me every week on Tuesdays after school. I feel responsible for the simple reason that I said yes to the offer and nobody told me to. In fact papasan told me never do anything without asking him first, so I wasn't listening to him and therefore I made my own decision.

I also feel that it was my decision to stay with papasan because I loved him as my father and I was willing to do what he wanted.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
Hey NM

You might be correct but I cannot look at my situation as just black and white, I think that there is more gray involved. My parents moved to a new neighborhood when I was 9. My best friend was gay like me. His sister and her girlfriend (who were 6 years older than us) would take pictures of us. At some point they started taking pictures of us when we were naked together like when we were playing chess or having a pillow fight. Nobody forced us to get naked. Yes her ulterior motive was to sell those pictures to the boy magazines of the early 60's and whoever wanted to pay for them. You were able to buy those boy magazines at newsstands in NYC in the '60s. If we had been fooling around in his pool naked she would take pictures. We were never threatened and I would imagine a lot of those pictures were pictures of opportunity. Yes we had a lot sessions where we were posing for the camera. Again nobody forced us. I really don't think that anything that those girls did was illegal at the time. I remember seeing some of those magazines with our pictures in them.

Where I complied is when I got into making movies when I was 14. Papasan had told me never do anything for anyone without asking him first. Papasan took me to a tailor shop in order to get a Nehru jacket. He took me the first time and then I went back to the tailor for follow up fittings. The tailor told me that I was a beautiful boy and that I could do modeling clothes or similar advertising gigs. I didn't listen to papasan. He had told me that I could make some nice money in modeling. I still feel that this decision to become a model was mine and mine alone. The compliance part come in when I got off the city bus at a stand alone building called Wetsones (which was the same kind of hamburger joint as McDonald's) near my parent's house. I called the number the tailor had given me to call when I got off the city bus and someone would come to pick me up. I got picked up and just as we started moving I got a backhand across my face, I was then grabbed by my hair and thrown to the floor of the car bleeding. That started a year of Tuesdays of terror and compliance.

Nobody forced me to have my photo taken when I was 12 for around 5 years and nobody forced me to want to be a model when I was 14. Those are some of the gray areas I was faced with.

I should also mention me and papasan having sex when I met him when I was 12. I really believed that dads had sex with their sons. Again my decision.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
While this thread is about how we were groomed I have seen some documentaries about grooming kid and how they didn't even know that they were being groomed.

I was wondering how long did it take for your perp to groom you and start getting sexual with you.

The documentaries I have been watching mentioned that it could take months or longer to groom a child. I know with me the end of the grooming process happened the first time I met Papasan who was my judo instructor when I was 12. Also I feel that the grooming went so quickly was because we took showers and sauna together after practice. While I loved the attention he had given me during practice (since I wasn't getting it from my parents) I look at the showers and sauna as the consummation of our relationship. He was now officially my surrogate father.

I would clean the judo school in exchange for classes. One of those jobs included watering the rock and benches in the sauna where I was always naked as were others. Basically that meeting in the showers included some horseplay but he did wash my hair and back down to my legs.

A few days later I went to the city judo school to practice and stay by him that night and taken to school the next day. That was the first time we had sex.

By the time I was 12-1/2 I was being prostituted. Within a month since we first had sex together he was leaving me by his "friends". He had left me with his friend because he had some "work to do at the office" late that night that was due in the morning. That night after practice we wouldn't take a shower but I did stay in the sauna because that was my job at the judo school. After I got dressed after the sauna papasan told me that I'll take a shower at his friend's apartment. He told me to behave myself and listen to what he said.

Even at this early age these "friends" would always have sex with me but would mostly take pictures and movies of me. Soft stuff like taking a shower or masterbating. I had no problem with these things because since the time when I was 9 years old people have taken pictures and made movies of me naked. I still didn't realise that this was the start of being prostituted, I thought this was all natural.

By the time I was 13 I knew I was being prostituted since papasan had spoken to me about it and I would do anything for papasan.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope

Severe stammer

My groomer and child molester was about 5 years older than me , it started from the age of 12 till I was 16 , he befriended me at first acting like a big brother and father figure, my home life was very severe abuse.
He started buying me gifts treating me very caring, I started to baby sit he would come round and give me alcohol and start to cuddle me then started to touch me, it felt weird and confusing I couldn't go home and tell my family I was ashamed, it consisted of oral sex and masturbation , after 4 years I stabbed him and tried to kill him to stop the abuse, I punctured his lung , he told me he lost his spleen which was a lie.
Anyway the abuse stopped but made me very confused in life not with my sexuallity just about feeling used as a sex toy , I never spoke to him after I stabbed him, he did warn if I told anyone id go to jail
My childhood before the grooming was being beaten regular and drowned in the bath, raped by my oldest sister once.
I took drink and drugs to escape reality .
Hey ((((( Severe )))))

That really sucks, I'm sorry you had to go through all that shit.

((((( HUGS )))))

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope

Severe stammer

Thanks for the reply .
Im only just coming to terms with the impact my childhood has had on my adult life ,
Its taken 46 years to get the right support and understanding so im hoping with what life I have left can be spent in peace .
Big Hug x


I thought.. and sometimes still think along the same lines as you do. He didn't force me, I liked the attention, I didn't mind giving him sex (we were in a 'relationship' after all, he deserved it) and so on.
Hard cold truth is wether there was violence, wether you consulted another adult first or not, wether the groom took months, years or minutes..
I was a kid. I thought of myself as quite grown up and mature and all that, but I wasn't. I was just a lonely young boy craving some kind of human attention, any kind at all.
They were adults. They knew EXACTLY what they were doing.
Hell, if I danced around naked in front of them begging for it, it was and will always be THEIR responsibility to say no.
To keep their dirty hands to themselves.

I don't think you were any different from me. From all of the other kids.

Severe stammer

He did the odd time get forceful , but I was trapped , I couldn't go home as I was being severely abused at my family home aswell , it was like I was trapped sometimes in a body with locked in syndrome as I had a severe stammer .
I did,nt class it as a relationship with my Groomer I thought I was just some sex toy for his pleasure it was very confusing , but at 12 I didn't know what was really happening I felt ashamed I didn't know where to turn but I felt ashamed and scared at home aswell , my home life wasn't exactly peace and harmony I was a punch bag and bullied drowned and screamed at and called stupid and other abuse , Ive been pretty numb most of my life and on some occasions felt like a living nightmare .
Anyway im feeling better this last year .
Take care x


Severe stammer, thank you for your bravery in sharing with us your story. It is horrendous what you went through and no one blames you that it has taken 46 years to begin to deal with it. I believe you and give you my full support as you begin your recovery journey. You are a strong soul.

Sven and Jeff, I had those same feelings too about me "willingly" posing for people in my abuse and being some sort of an agent in it, but the thing is, those who abused us took advantage of your naivety as children. It is just the same way as an intoxicated person who "willing" takes off their clothes - a sober person who engages with them is taking advantage of them and their "willingness". And just like an intoxicated person, kids don't have the full mental and emotional capacity to willfully consent to sexual activity.
Hey JayBro

My environment. when I was 9 years old (I have no memory of anything before that) consisted of me and my boyfriend were walking around in the buff at his house. So posing naked for his sister's taking pictures was no big deal since we were already naked.

At supper with his parents there was always wine served but of course we weren't supposed to get drunk but we did have more than our share either by the table or in the basement where he had 4 or 5 big casks of wine. To me they were a typical Catholic Italian family and I wanted to belong to it. His parents were the nicest people I knew at the time. I'm sure that that the parents would have blown a fuse if they knew what their daughter and her girlfriend were doing with us. Walking around the house naked is not posing for a magazine naked.

My friend's father's made his own wine in his basement. We helped him crush the grapes. And of course there were also many times that we got shitfaced drunk in the basement laying on the floor. If my friend's sister would find us the pictures were sure to follow. I thought that this was a normal environment. Since another one of my friend's family belonged to a nudist camp. so we would walk around the house naked and the parents were not prudish

So being naked was no big deal. This naivety was to change very abruptly at the end of the summer when I was 9-1/2. It was a totally different type of environment where being naked was a must and pain was forthcoming.

Even if I was straight and was never naked with anyone I became a target and part of an environment where I didn't have much choice of what was done to me. It became do this or that and I complied even until I came out of the USAF and put an end to my life in the game.

As for ((((( Severe ))))) my life took the road that someone else wanted me to take. My parents, which I only found out 3 weeks ago that I was adopted, didn't exist for me so. I fell in love with my judo teacher, I hate to use the word pimp simply because I still love him and he has given me a life that my parents didn't. He took me everywhere, to the '64-'65 world's fair umpteen times. We went to museums we did everything a kid could ever want. But by 12-1/2 I was a prostitute strung out on wine, glue and weed. He was my judo teacher, surrogate father, friend but also my pimp.

I came here to MS in June 2011 and back then I could not even say what I just wrote. But by the fact that you are here you will have friends and brothers that will help you out of your "living nightmare". Not one of us will forget what happened to us but we will hopefully be able to cope with it. I'm very far from coping with my past but at least I don't want to blow my brains out anymore. unfortunately it is still an option but it shows how far I've come. I'm now able to tell most of my story to other people here and maybe one day I might even be able to tell people outside of MS.

Good luck and I'm so happy that you came here. Unfortunately I would have hoped meeting you under different circumstances.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope